offloading.

Ahh the weather just screams "blog something!".. okay, not screaming, just gently suggesting. It's gloomy and gray outside and I could see a light drizzle but I'm lovin' it. Okay, let's get to it.

I've been thinking, the past four years (roughly 2010 onward) felt like it has only been just one year. You know how I always lament that time passes by so quickly, I suppose the past 1,460 days felt exactly right as a year and not four. Memory-wise at least, everything seems so recent. It's like I've just joined the company, I've just left my old church, I've just grown closer to my present group of friends... I suppose the birth of this blog back then marked the beginning of that "new year", and when I read back the entries, they didn't seem like it was another lifetime ago.

Maybe the leap year is there for the reason that it signifies a complete cycle, that each one should consist of four trips around the sun instead of one. Maybe time isn't linear as how we usually measure it, but something more dynamic and differs from one individual to another but we use standard time-keeping so that we could be on the same page. And this change only starts once you hit 30. So by that measure, I'm 31 going on 32, which is exactly how old I feel. I love it how pieces of puzzles like these make perfect logic-defying sense in my head. Haha!

I've also wondered if I'm going through some sort of midlife crisis. I'm 35 (in conventional year *cough*) this year, right about the halfway mark to 70 which is how long I expect to live. So yeah, like some people who go through MLC with a new sports car and a younger wife, I seek other forms of excitement.. like, I never expected to like Chinese pop music, but I went crazy over Leehom which made me a happy bunny for a good long time. And I certainly never in a million years would have expected to be a fan of Eminem, no more than I would have expected myself to ever like K-pop (it hasn't happen yet, but at the rate things are going, who knows!). Maybe I like that he's so far removed from my world but here I am, probably close to exhausting all online links with his name and trying to talk myself out of the crush (yes) by constantly questioning myself and slowly expanding my base to other hip hop artists.

But just as it was with every other musician or band or singer that I like, I don't go very far off base. I will check out their peers who are of equal standing if not more superior (like how I checked out Jay Chou for Leehom), but my loyalty and connection are already sealed with that one entity in that given space and time. I find it impossible to rank the musicians/bands/singers I like (and by these I mean the ones I was really into, where I've heard their entire catalog of songs, not the ones where I just like one or a few songs).. I feel a deep connection with each of them, and each is different from the other because I relate and bond with them at different season of my life.. so even if I don't listen to them very often now, their importance doesn't fade and I can instantly feel the same fervency when I hear any of their songs. And this journey, I must say that I'm thrilled (and perhaps a little wary) of what's going on, but I will ride the wave out.

You know, there was this line from Em's latest song that struck a chord with me, when he rapped, "Say f--- it before we kick the bucket, life's too short to not go for broke." Not that I want to be reckless, but I've been thinking about that a while now and have been wondering what that means for me. I've always felt that I'm holding back, perhaps stemming from a strong need to feel that I'm in control. I also feel like I've been waiting a long time for something but I have no idea if whatever that is is coming or not. I still feel that I'm living a lot for myself, and of course I'm fine with it, but I'm just not sure if.. Hmm, maybe I'll just continue waiting. It's a good place to be, I won't deny that, but I'm just hoping I'm not missing the boat or bus or train or flight to wherever I'm supposed to go.

Anyway, I don't know how long or how deep I would be wading in these waters, but I wish I had discovered it earlier! I really love the wordplay and verbosity afforded by hip hop. There's so much more room to tell a story or to express one's thoughts and feelings. And to have the stories in rhymes, now that's music to my ear. I just think it takes mad skills to spit a string of cohesive rhyme so I'm practically awestruck over and over again. And the raw honesty is definitely a major pull factor for me. And yes, I'm all too aware of and will not deny the violent/misogynistic/offensive aspects found in rap songs but hey, it's not confined to this genre. Summer song darlin' Robin Thicke's Blurred Lines is a wolf in sheep's clothing, which is worse.. so yeah, I'm navigating with caution, and I believe my friends will keep me in check too. At this point, I'm just enjoying rapping as a sublime art form. Bleh, I think my endurance for coarse language is stronger now (thanks but no thanks, Em).

Moving on, I find reading my personality description to be such a relief most times. It assures me that I'm not weird (or at least if I was, that I'm not the only one). True to my ISFP character which is described as being "intense people who experience their emotions on an intense level. Although they may appear to be light-hearted, they are in fact extremely serious, and take their relationships seriously", I experience very strong, almost overwhelming, emotions that I feel like I have no control over (e.g. as shown in my response to my favorite music). It's like there's a giant magnifying glass and my emotions are like the sunlight going through it and hitting one spot that is me. I am averse to being run over by emotions and yet I still experience it through and through. This is what I mean when I feel like I'm driving myself insane. I hit very high highs where I feel like I could take on the world. Like the haiku that I wrote, I cannot begin to describe the level of satisfaction and pride and contentment and depth that I felt when those words were formed, first in my heads as fragmented description of what I was feeling and scattered pieces of what I was thinking about, and later when I manage to collect and have them materialise as typed words. In those three lines and 14 syllables was captured my entire state of being at that moment in time, and to have it down in written words is just so... so good. But that all those feelings could be so consuming and amplified to the point where I think I might implode. And then when I snap out of the stupor, I'll be staring at those three lines and 14 syllables and not being able to imagine anyone else seeing them beyond that. Have I unwittingly convinced you that I need to be institutionalised? Hehe!

Also, we ISFPs are also said to "may have a problem with communication. With Introverted Feeling dominating their personality, they are more vulnerable than most to being hurt. Perhaps because of this, they tend to hold back part of themselves from others, and do not always say what they think or feel. This is especially true during conflict situations, which the ISFP abhors more than anything in the world. Confrontations and arguments are very difficult for the ISFP to deal with. They feel personally threatened in these situations." I told you that I hold myself back. Mm, since this is part of my character, I wonder if I could break out of it. And yes, no conflict please, can we all just get along, here have some cornflakes kthnxbai.

Anyways, I'm done writing for now. Just want to get some stuff off my chest. I love this blog for this very reason! *breathes normal again*