Sometimes I think my life is a continual stream of sadness, a quiet and unremarkable trip downriver that comes with once-in-a-lifetime views on both banks, a journey periodically punctuated by a boulder of happiness or a sheer drop of excitement, followed by meandering bends of curiosities or wild rapids of uncertainties; rinse and repeat and unstoppable until one day when I find myself in the big blue.

Row, row, row you boat
Gently down the stream
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
Life is but a dream.

This is the most moving piece I've read in a while. Maybe because the subject matter is close to my heart. The very mention of pedophilia would usually send me heaving and panting in rage screaming bloody castration on the perpetrators, so reading this was kinda agonizing, because it humanizes the very group of people I detest with all my soul. Granted, the person in the story hasn't committed any crime, but still.. I felt an incredible sense of sadness and sympathy reading this. I pray for strength and courage for the person, and his fellow "strugglers". I still hate everything to do with this, but I found compassion for them. :(

life and love and why

I had barely sat down when she took a seat beside me. Her smiling face was friendly and she asked if it was my first time there, and if I would be coming regularly. I said that I'd only be there today as I was with my husband who was a special guest there today. Her bubbly personality continued to engage me, and we conversed for a while. That was when I found out that she was a refugee from a South Asian country, and she has just recently arrived in Malaysia with her new husband and his family of seven more people. Something had happened back home, and they had to leave everything behind and flee. The young woman was well spoken -- well, she holds a degree in B.Comm with Honours from a reputable university back home. They looked like they were middle class citizens where they came from. Now here, the family of nine is sharing a small flat and are looking for work to support themselves, but without the necessary documents, it's impossible to find a proper job. We promised that we'd try to help them the best we could. They sounded hopeful, and expressed how grateful they are for being here.

My heart is heavy. My heart is light. My heart is broken. My heart is full. 
My heart is...

Sigh. I really don't know what to make of life and how to believe that God is in control when evidences point everywhere. In spite of my doubts, I truly believe that he is, he sees, he knows. Funny how this faith is what's driving me crazy and keeping me sane. God, please protect and sustain and strengthen them through this storm.

me, success kid?

Hmm, going by this list, I suppose I'm doing pretty well in life. Let's see..

1. Your relationships are less dramatic than they used to be. - YESSS
Drama is not maturity. As we age, we should develop maturity. So maybe your relationships were drama-filled in your past, but if you have moved beyond that, then you are successful.

2. You are not afraid to ask for help and support any more. - I SUPPOSE SO.
Asking for help does not equal weakness. In fact, it is a strength. No person has ever succeeded in isolation. It takes teamwork to accomplish goals. Asking or help is a sign that you have grown as a person.

3. You have raised your standards. - OR HAVE I LOWERED THEM?
You don’t tolerate bad behavior any more – from other people, or even yourself. You hold people accountable for their actions. You don’t spend time with the “energy vampires” in your life anymore.

4. You let go of things that don’t make you feel good. - KINDA
No, this is not narcissistic even though it might seem like it. Self-love is success. Love yourself enough to say ‘no’ to anything that doesn’t make you happy, doesn’t serve your purpose, or drags you down.

5. You have moments where you appreciate who you see in the mirror. - YEA, THE WONDERS OF MAKEUP
Ideally, you should appreciate who you see in the mirror at every moment. But even if that doesn’t happen, if you do it more than you used to, then that is success. Love yourself. You are awesome.

6. You have learned that setbacks and failure are part of self-growth. - WOULDN'T I KNOW IT.
Not everyone can have success 100% of the time. That’s just not realistic. Life is about victories and losses. So look at your setbacks as stepping stones to something better. In reality, there really is no such thing as as setback. It’s all just part of a wondrous journey.

7. You have a support system that includes people who would do anything for you. - YES :)
If you have figured out the people who “have your back” and recognized the ones who only pretend that they do, then you have succeeded. This is a painful realization, but once you learn to see the signs of betrayal, you can stay away from those people.

8. You don’t complain much. - NOT SURE ABOUT THIS ONE.
Because you know there really is nothing to complain about. Unless you really have gone through some horrific life experience and had unimaginable losses, most of what we all experience on a day-to-day basis is just mundane. And successful people know that. And they live in a space of gratitude.

9. You can celebrate others’ successes. - YES
Just because other people succeed, that doesn’t make you a failure. Applaud the people who rise to the top. The more positive energy you give to other people’s victories, the more you will create your own.

10. You have passions that you pursue. - ERR. YES? MAYBE. NOT SURE.
You are not stagnant. You know you have something wonderful to contribute to the world. You have unique talents and gifts. Not only do you know that, you pursue it.

11. You have things to look forward to. - YES!
If you don’t have exciting things going on in your life that you are eagerly anticipating, then you are slowly dying inside. Successful people create goals that they are passionate about pursuing. They let this excitement drive their life.

12. You have goals that have come true. - YES
Even though “failures” are a part of life, you have stuck to your goals and dreams long enough to make them come to fruition. You have some tastes of victory. It fuels you.

13. You have empathy for others. - YES
A person without empathy is dead inside. Empathy equals spreading love and positive energy into the world. Successful people know this. They love others as if they are family.

14. You love deeply and open yourself up to be loved by others. - YES
Love is risky, and sometimes scary for people. It’s the one thing we all strive for, but it’s also intimately tied to the one thing we fear the most – rejection. If you open your heart enough to love and be loved, then you are successful.

15. You refuse to be be a victim. - YES
You know that life doesn’t always happen to you. Many times, you are a co-creator of your life experiences. Successful people know this and refuse to be kept down by life experiences. The rise up and conquer anyway.

16. You don’t care what other people think. - FOR MOST PART, YES
You know you can’t please everyone. You know that the standards with which society judges people is many times unrealistic. So you just keep true to yourself and love the person you are.

17. You always look on the bright side. - YES
Life can be full of disappointments – if you choose to see them that way. Otherwise, they are learning opportunities. No negative experience is ever wasted as long as you learn from it.

18. You accept what you can’t change. - MM, YES?
Let’s face it – there many things you can’t change in life. All you can change is how you view what happens. If you can change your negative perspective on situations to a positive one, then you are successful.

19. You change what you can. - YES
And let’s face it again – there are many things you can change in life. Successful people don’t sit around accepting the negatives that are changeable. They get out there and do something about it!!

20. You are happy. - YES!
To me, this is the ultimate definition of success. It doesn’t matter what the balance is in your bank account, how big your house is, or how many fancy vacations you take. If you are happy, then you are succeeding in life.

I suppose as long as the definition of success doesn't take into account career achievements or monetary gains, I should be okay hehe! Sometimes I do wish I have those as well... but oh well, I KNOW that I'm very, very blessed so I'm really thankful for all I have.

Hmm.

In the past two days, I came to hear from different people some not so nice things said about two people I was really close with at different points in my past, but we are now more like acquaintances, strangers even.

And I felt sad, because I don't know why they did what they did, and also because I believe those things are not totally out of their characters. Maybe they have their own views on those matters and reasons for their behaviors, but... I can't say I wasn't disappointed. Sounds judgy right? Sigh.. Were they always like that? Maybe I was more forgiving of their flaws when we were closer, or maybe they have changed, or maybe... It's been a long time. And I remember them from when life wasn't so complicated. When all we had to worry about was finishing school homework or whether we registered in time for a particular course that semester. Not when friendships come to a crashing end due to misunderstanding or drift away as we head different directions in life. I sometimes do miss friends I've lost to time and circumstances, and I wonder if they think about me sometimes -- if they do, hopefully it's with fondness and not with grudge lol. :(

Mm, I wonder what other people are saying about me.. I've definitely done things that warranted a raised eyebrow or two. I would still cringe when I remember some of those deeds where I could have chosen to be the bigger person, a more gracious person, a more humble person, but didn't. *oh god why* I was (and am) naive and proud and oblivious, the three main ingredients to brew the perfect storm. Bleh. To anyone I've unknowingly or intentionally hurt, I'm sorry. I'll say that to you F2F if I could, so this is my err.. rain check.

And speaking of the past, goodness gracious, last night I was happily digging into my favorite fish head noodle at my usual joint by myself, when whose face shall I see from the table next to mine but that of Miss Nomer (evil ex-boss with a name that doesn't suit her personality) O_O I might have stopped breathing for a few seconds there. Thank God she wasn't looking my way, so I quickly looked down to my lap (if ducking under the table was an option, I just might have), grabbed my phone and texted the girls for emotional support. I didn't dare to move for a while as I was sitting in a way that our eyes would definitely meet if I just sat upright.

I actually thought she saw me, so I was hoping she didn't remember me. Last thing I need was her coming over to say Hi. J asked if I was sure that it was her, but I didn't dare to avert my eyes her direction to confirm. I did however curi-curi snapped a blur photo of her. She was sitting with her husband and they were at the end of their meal. When they left, I looked up as she was walking away. The gait was unmistakably hers. I was relieved.. but on the whole 15 minutes drive home, I was reliving the nightmare that was her. It was more emotionally charged than usual, but I calmed down somewhat by the time I got home.

The thing is, I have long stopped hating her, and even recently ceased to hold her accountable for what I don't dare to do career-wise, but seeing her in the flesh for the first time since July 2009, it was truly unnerving. And at my favorite restaurant at that! *takes another deep breath* I had allllways played out the scenarios of what I would say or how I would react should this moment ever happen. I never come to any conclusion because even in my head I was trying to avoid/shun her. Bleh, I don't know la. J suggested I either kick her in the shins, or bless her. Can I opt for (C) God, please don't ever, ever let our paths cross again. EVER. Please? I suck right? Haha!

Anyway, sad and scary stuff aside, I will be going on a road trip with the girls tomorrow, and we are all very, very, very excited about it. J and I are driving up to Penang to meet S who's been there for a couple of months now on some artsy assignment, and she's finishing this weekend. So this is a makan plus homecoming entourage trip. Wholesome Threesome: Penang edition yo! :D

Btw, discovered this song by local singer Ali Aiman via A, and I absolutely love it. It deserves to go big, and I hope it does. Its mood befits mine right now. Happy long weekend for me! :D Xoxo.

oh happy day!

I don't usually go around looking for miracles so when it happened right before my very eyes, I can only praise God for his grace and faithfulness. This past Easter weekend was the most special one in my entire Christian life of... 19 years (!).

So....... my sister was baptized. Like, wow.

It happened on a perfect day. The skies was amazingly blue, the sun was beaming proudly, the ocean breeze... hmm, I don't remember it but I'm sure there was some.

We got to the beach at East Coast Park by 9:45am to join 40 other excited and smiling baptism candidates who were already there with family, friends, cell members, everyone who's come to celebrate this momentous occasion. My sister's bff Jane and her sister Glory and mom were also there, together with their cell leader (I can't rber his name) and a few other cell members. I'm so happy they all came to lend support and cheer her on.

Service started with a brief recitation of their commitment to the faith, and then we broke into songs of praise. After that, the candidates were divided into five groups (Sis was in Group 2) to go into the water. Five pairs of youth prayed over each candidate in every group right before their turn to go in to two church leaders who were ready and waiting to baptize each candidate in the of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.

So I witness as the waves gently crashed onto her feet as she tread surefootedly into the sea, and affirmed her decision and committed her life unto God, and as she went under and emerged a new creation. It is always an amazing ceremony to witness, but it's all the more spectacular to see my own sister going through with it. :)



Dearest sis, your life in Christ has begun. It's the most wonderful journey you'll ever traverse, but it will be so tough you'll constantly wonder if it's worth it. You will see things in new light for God has set eternity in your heart. You will experience heartbreaks and desolation. You will enjoy abundance of blessings in His presence, you will cry bitter tears in the same court. You will find your identity and worth and confidence in Christ, and others will besmirch the very same treasure you've found. You will experience high highs and you crawl in low lows. You will have words of praise flowing from your mouth and you'll ask unending questions in sheer frustration and you will curse in despair. You'll taste sweet victory and you will fail time and again. But just remember that through it ALL, Jesus is with with you, his spirit will not depart from you, you will never be alone. You will have Him in the best moments of your life, and You will have him to cling on to in your worst. I'm beyond happy that we are in this race together, and I pray that it's one where you'll finish in victory and we'll be joined by our loved ones. Xoxo - big sis. 

You call me out upon the waters, the great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery, in oceans deep, my faith will stand
And I will call upon Your name and keep my eyes above the waves when oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace, for I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters, Your sovereign hand will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me, You've never failed and You won't start now
And I will call upon Your name and keep my eyes above the waves when oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace, for I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior

Hillsong United :: Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)

of thoughts and things.

I'll admit it, it still smarts thinking of this, that it did not happen, or rather, did not last. One of the hardest emotions to process is that of being betrayed, even knowing that it was fake and scripted all along. Go figure.

I learned the term OTP (or One True Pairing) in the past few days of Tumbling. And Swarkles (a portmanteau of their nicknames in the show - Barney's Swarley (I kinda forget how he got it but everyone called him that and he hated it) and Robin's alter ego, the Canadian teenage idol Robin Sparkles) are my OTP. Just look at how good they look together! *drools* 

Also the reason I keep talking about it is because it's the easiest thing to write about. No need to think, just feel. And there is so much feels. Heh. I just wonder if my obsession with some things (TV series) and people (JF, LH, Em etc) even food (potatoes?) is symptomatic of something else in my life. Hmm.

Anyway, I was in the forest earlier this week. Zero internet connectivity but I wanted to write, and I did, so err, am just gonna dump the whole load here.

Tuesday 8-Apr-2014
I am in the forest, five hours’ drive into its heart, far far away from the city. I just finished watching one of the most hedonistic and depraved movies of recent times, Martin Scorsese’s The Wolf of Wall Street, and I’m feeling a little sick from all the debauchery -- Leonardo DiCaprio however, was awesome and believable in his role as usual. I decided to turn in, and read to sleep.

That I should be holding a book in my hand, snug in a double bed, with the wilderness that stretches for hours at all directions around me outside... I suddenly feel a wave of gratitude is washing over me. I remember the sunset from this evening, and I remembered the sunrise from months ago during my previous time here. They were precious moments to be savoured, and I look forward to tomorrow’s… although I am doubting that I would see it, knowing my sleeping and waking pattern. Still, being here, miles away from almost everyone I know, is amazing, unglamorous as it is.

A quick conversation with my colleagues just now that touched on career ambitions came to mind, and once again, I ponder at my lack of one. I don’t foresee myself much further from where I am today on the day I retire. Of course I would love to be earning a higher steady income, but I am not very driven to pursue that. I should live with that right, but it doesn’t help that once in a while I feel so envious of my friends making it in Singapore, Australia, the US, Norway, even in Malaysia, and here I am, wearing my deer-in-headlights look, asking all the wrong questions.

Back in the civilised society I left just 12 hours ago, I’ve been watching tonnes of Jimmy Fallon these days. I usually only watch snippets on talk shows on Youtube when something interesting links me from, say Facebook, but I find myself subscribing to his Tonight Show’s videos and just drawn in to clicking one after another of his older clips from his Late Night stint. I love Fallon’s stuff, especially the musical things he does with his bff Justin Timberlake, and his house band, The Roots, and all the silly games he plays with his guests, he’s very talented and relatable, and I especially love him fanboying over people and music – his giggles and suppressed excitement are infectious!

Fallon-ing aside, I’ve also been Neil Patrick Harris-ing and Benedict Cumberbatch-ing and Dan Harmon-ing (and of course HIMYM-ing!), and ok, my point is, I’m thinking, all these people I’ve named in this post, they are not very much older (or younger) than me, and look at where they are! Standing on the world’s stage basking in its limelight, glowing flawlessly and grappling with pressures I am unfamiliar with. And again, here I am, feeling guilty wanting to be contented with a very ordinary and unremarkable life.

Today, I visited one of my company’s veneer mills, and like my trip to our flooring factory in China, I saw all these workers in their bright uniforms going about their assigned tasks working 12 hours a day and six days a week, doing the same thing over and over and over again, and it makes me feel weird. I kept thinking, I was probably just one birth away from being in their shoes, born to an impoverished family struggling to survive and having to leave everything and everyone I know for a place so foreign and scary for a job that pays me minimum wages and that’s nothing but repetitive day in and day out, year in and year out, remaining nameless and faceless for most part…

Honestly, I feel guilty thinking that I’ve escaped that fate. What reason is there that I have a better life, especially when I don't do anything with it? I struggle to understand how each of us has a purpose for living, and while I believe that I have one, I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what’s mine, and it bugs me greatly. I know that I’m trying with my extremely human understanding doing something very futile. And this futility, it’s demotivating me.

Over and over again, I ask what is the meaning of anything. Is anything worth it? Is everything in vain? With the years flying by, why bother with anything? It will be over soon, wouldn’t it? I don’t expect God to answer these questions I’ve been asking forever, and his silence is discouraging and disheartening. Suddenly I feel as if I know nothing and understand nothing and see nothing and hear nothing and feel… nothing. I am scared.

This isn’t how I envisioned being lost in God mean when I sing that line. I’m moved by testimonies of God’s greatness, but I am well aware for every victory, there are ten stories of pains and brokenness that never get shared. I don’t know what I’m asking for but I want to be found in that.

Wednesday 9-Apr-2014
I miss the city a little, and dream of getting lost in one. New York, New York. Tokyo, London, Hong Kong and Paris. Moscow, Melbourne, Milan, Madrid… and Miri.

Everyone’s somewhere, and I’m here. The sky is clear tonight, and the stars scatter across the black canvas. It’s a beautiful sight on a quiet night; not total silence as in the background is myriad of unfamiliar sounds made by the crickets and creatures of the forest. I held my phone up and clicked on the Google SkyMap app and checked out the stars and constellations, most of which hold little meaning to me. And I imagine myself lying on the grounds at Joshua Tree with my best friends on such a night, and smiled knowing how glorious that would be.

Anyway, I finally finished watching The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Emma Watson is so beautiful, and I love every scene of her. I liked this movie. Looks like I’m in a rare mood for watching drama, this being the third in a row in as many days; the first being The Book Thief which I caught on the flight to Miri.

Speaking of dramatic movies, on my way in, a song played on the radio (Any Empty Wine Bottles For Sale 酒矸倘賣無) from the 1983 movie Papa, Can You Hear Me Sing 搭錯車 (wow, the full movie's here on Youtube! I wuv how the interwebz always amazes me =). I haven't heard the song in a while, and I haven't seen the movie since I last watched in back in the mid-80s. All I remember was that it was a pretty depressing movie about a man and his daughter. Reading the wiki page failed to jolt any further memory but the sentiment remains.

Did you know that I've lived through five decades - born in the 70s, lived through my childhood in the 80s and teenage years in the 90s, then early adulthood in the naughties, and now reaching my midlife point in the 2010's. I feel like these five decades was like the HIMYM finale, everything in the past billion years was trudging along and then bam!, everything just accelerated. I suppose the finale would be Jesus coming back again :)

This just came up on my phone's Bible app. Food for thought.

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2 (NIV)

the awesome wholesome threesome

So we have officially kicked off, with rapper names to boot -- name check: J Swagg, Chongy and Queen E in da houz yo! (Yeah, I was in my hip-hop fan wannabe phase when we formed, could you tell? :D) Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that the three of us came together some time the end of last year, where we have committed to meet up regularly to delve deeper into our Christian faith. It's a no-judgment zone for us to bare it all, no holds bar, to be at our most vulnerable (sounds scary right? :), to hold each other accountable, and to support and spur each other on as fellow pilgrims on a journey of the narrow road.

Can I just say that I love my hair here? Lol! Ooh I think everyone's looking good here. Ah, love.

What can I say but this is one of the best things to have ever happened to me, more so given my lack of a Christian community at this point in my life. These girls are my lifeline. I don't know what is it with me, but as I grow older, I am retreating further into my shell. I'm really glad that they were willing to do this (thanks to Chongy for suggesting it).

We call ourselves Wholesome Threesome, cause it kinda rolled of my tongue (I sometimes catch myself in my Adam mode, tasked to naming nameless entities..) Although it's a tad mouthful, we've kinda gotten used to it. I like how the words rhyme, their individual and collective meanings. *pleased*

What we basically do is to read a chapter of a book, do the study questions, practice what's practicable, and the come together and discuss about what we have read and done. We try to meet every two weeks to establish a steady routine (knowing what procrastinators we are hehe).

The first book we have chosen is Richard Foster's Celebration of Discipline. We would each take turn to facilitate the discussions although we rarely needed to be prompted to answer. There is always coffee (we have been going to different cafes each time, and boy, KL's coffee culture is alive and kicking - these places are packed each weekend, no matter how obscure its location. A running joke among us is that we should all quit our jobs, sign up for barista classes and start a cafe of our own)(that said, I seldom take coffee though because it keeps me wide awake at night, but sometimes I just throw caution into the wind and indulge) and discussions take forever because we are always (like ALL THE TIME) veering off topics -- each meeting lasts about 4 to 5 hours (I'm sure we could have finished in half the time if we needed to haha)!

These meet-ups are nourishment to my soul and spirit. My stomach gets a lot of exercise from laughing too. We speak the same language, laugh at the same things, fail in the same areas, it's really all good. It reminds me of what I had with Carol and Suet last time, and we had each other's back through some tough times. I'm just glad that in this part of my journey, I am blessed with these girls. What more could I ask for? :)

“Friendship is born at that moment when one man says to another: "What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . ."” ― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

World Vision (a charity I happen to support) recently amended their hiring policy to allow for people in same sex marriage to be employed, and the Internet blew up. In America that is. People were pulling out their sponsorship left and right because they were so disgusted how a Christian organisation could so cavalier with their hiring practice. I must be so naive a donor, because I never bothered with a background check on the sexual tendency of whoever that manages the money I send to WV every month. I just trust that it would reach the child's community and that it would benefit them. Did you mean, doing this is about ME and my infallible principles, and not the kids? Aw.

Actually I don't understand some Christians' preoccupation with homosexuality. The way it's painted in the media is as if it's the ONLY sin ever spoken of in the Bible. Forget about love and grace and all that jazz! Evangelists with overblown ego and private jets? Wow, so charisma, much impressed. Mean spirited, slandering neighbors? Come, come, share thy juicy goss. Proud of your grotesquely shapeless shape because eating in moderation is for the poor? Double portions of blessing for you. Loud mouth gay basher with a sweet lying tongue? Here's a special seat for you. You're love some one of your own gender?! Here's your ticket, enjoy your journey to hell. Before that let me give you a taste of what that's like here on earth because like, that's my life's calling.

I mean, these people have no problem handing over their money to retailers who are in cahoots with sweatshops in third world country just so they could wear the latest designer dresses, and they don't check the credentials of the restaurant owners before making a food order. Because as long as I get my cronut wearing that trendy color-blocked top, who cares? But an illiterate child who's future is uncertain, you can't have my money cos there's a possibility that whoever I'm handling my hard-earned salary to isn't halal. So shut up cos I don't care what happens to you, can't you see I'm trying to make a point? And who you calling a hypocrite, punk!

Well done, guys. Your wallets have spoken. Call it principle and faith or what not, you know it's your money that talked and everyone heard you lour and clear. God is well pleased, as you are.

Clap.

Clap.

NB.

I don't know why I picked to write about this, I rarely ever speak on current issues pertaining to Christianity that don't affect me directly, but since I've been pretty annoyed the whole week about everything, I might as rant about this too. Because I'm unhelpful like that. Btw, World Vision reverted its policy a few days later, having succumbed to the pressure. Sigh~

gone.

like, my parents' hard-earned money as their house got broken into.
like, the passengers on the fateful flight.

那些年

[via]

It was blackish all around; the moon, pale and distant, and the night, balmy. The waves lazily washed the shore and our bare feet as we stood at the edge. But I was afraid of the sea at night, of strange monsters that would suddenly emerge and with one gulp swallow me whole, and I told you so. We giggled at how stupid that sounded. Still, my heart beat steadily grew rapid as my watchful eyes scanned the surface of hypnotizing waves for any suspicious movement. I made sure I was in the middle of the chain as we joined hands and took gingerly steps into the water. It was cold; I tightened my grip. Before long however, we were breaking into the chorus of every song we knew. How our laughter scared the monsters away.

那一年我們望著星空 有那麼多的燦爛的夢

以為快樂會永久 像不變星空陪著我

//五月天//星空//

//

[via]

In jest, you promised her a star. That night as we descended from the hilltop, you stopped the car near a streetlight, got out, walked over, stood where it was the brightest, stretched up your right arm, made some weak effort to jump, pretended to grab the bulb, held it out to us and said, here's your star. That didn't make sense but we thought it was the funniest gesture ever. We were easily amused.

那一年我們望著星空 未來的未來 從沒想過

當故事失去美夢 美夢失去線索 而我們失去聯絡
//五月天//星空//

//

[via]

至少回憶會永久 像不變星空 陪著我

最後只剩下星空 像不變回憶 陪著我
//五月天//星空//

Oh to be 18 again. If ever I was innocent and carefree, that was the last I knew what that was like, for the years since were anything but. Growing up was such a pain, but it was necessary. For a long time in my adult life, I didn't want to be one. Maybe I had held adulthood in such high esteem that when one grown-up after another kept distorting my ideals by being childish and irresponsible and selfish, so I told myself that I wasn't signing up for this. I thought one should only deserve to be called one if they've got their lives together, spoke only words of wisdom, and always making the right choices. So news flash: nobody is perfect. I was a foolish idealist.

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a (wo)man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. 1 Cor 13:11-12 NIV

Growing up is pretty fascinating. I was and still am a reluctant participant, but I got the full package nevertheless. And although I feel like I am the same person as I was 18 years ago, I know that I am a very different person. It would be pretty sad if I remained as I was back then. My encounter with God and with people have shaped me into the person I am today: a little less ignorant, a little more confident, a little less conceited, a little more perceptive, a little less selfish, a little more gracious.. and a long way to go till He's done with me. My flaws are glaring but God's power is made perfect in my weakness. And that's the kinda perfection I want.

beautiful soul.

This is a man after my own heart, his songs a panacea to my existential pains, his thoughts a comforting companion on this journey.

It's easier for me to believe in God than it is to believe that God loves me... [What makes me insecure is] the same reason why I have doubts that God loves me: I am very aware of my own insignificance, and one of the big human questions is meaning, like, what matters? Does anything I do matter? Does anything I have accomplished mean anything?

fact: cats sleep an average of fifteen hours a day

 [via]

I didn't even get the chance to properly say goodbye to November. December is already 35-minute old as I write this. I'm so tired right now everything's a blur. And it's beyond my own understanding why I'm not curled up in bed, and that I'm here typing away instead. I guess it's my masochistic side teasing me, or that I'm reacting to my own plan of waking up at noon tmrw (whee) because I know I still could get at least 11 hours of sleep after this.

Anyway it's been a tiring month, one marked with extensive traveling (just checked the calendar and found that I have only been home two weeks in the past five)(wow)(whee), and being under the weather. I'm not going to complain about any of that, because in the end, I have enjoyed the days away, although I didn't realise my body is so weak. But no, not gonna complain. :)

I've been working on a book project at work, which aims to chronicle the company's birth and growth over the past five decades. One of the things that we have had to do was talking to people, in particular the company's pioneers, key management personnel and long-serving staff, so the past few months have been the most intense in term of human contact hours I've ever had in my life. I think I've probably met close to fifty people so far (and with each meeting lasting an average of 90 minutes (the longest was 4 hours, the shortest, 30minutes), that's like 4,500 mins (75 hours)(wow)(wow.) of getting people to opening up and thinking back to the good (and not so good) old days and talking and listening. So much talking (them) and so much listening (me) omg. Thank God I'm not writing the book (we've commissioned a writer) because I wouldn't know where to begin. And end.

Anyway, I brought this up because I got to meet a spectrum of people and their various perspectives on life. There were those who are going strong and active despite being advanced in years. Chatting with them has been inspiring and amazing. You feel like life has so much to offer, and that you would like to be up and about and all over even when your whole head's gray. And on the other hand, there were a few.. for a lack of a better term, zombies. Tired, cynical, stuck in a rut, counting the days to when they will punch the time card for the last time (figuratively speaking). And the whole time I was with them, I kept thinking how I don't want to end up like that! I'm not terribly ambitious, and I'm getting comfortable where I am.. but I just don't want to be that listless and dull as I grow older.

I won't right? Mm, right.

Anyway, Thanksgiving's just passed. Too bad we don't celebrate it here, but 'sokay, I'm still really thankful for everything I have. The tangible and felt but especially the unseen and uncountable. Okay, I should go. The hotel bed is calling my name.. and I can't wait to go home tomorrow. Last thought before I slip into unconsciousness for the next 660 minutes: if December would last 60 days, I'd appreciate it very much. Kthnxbai.

a life worth reading

I've been on a biography/memoir reading spree lately; it was not intentional, it just happened and I think it's wonderful, especially because it's is one of my favorite genres. I don't usually write book reviews, but this has been a good streak and I would like to remember it, so here goes...

Bill Bryson's The Life and Times of the Thunderbolt Kid: A Memoir
Des Moines (pronounced Deh-Moin) is the capital and the most populous city in the U.S. state of Iowa, a fact that had meant little to me, but the city came alive reading Bryson's memoir, a testament of his way with words. Bryson's affection for the world of his childhood was funny and contagious. Among others, he's argued how department stores and movie theaters are two things that were different and better in the 1950s, parts of a life that he observes are not the same anymore.

I've been meaning to check out Bryson's other works as I have on a couple of good authorities that he's a brilliant travel writer. I actually don't fancy travelogues, but those people were really convincing so I'd love to give him another chance, especially after a positive impression this time around, notwithstanding my unfortunate first encounter with Bryson with the Short History of Nearly Everything where I struggled to finish the first chapter before giving up because I found it soo boring. 

Btw, there are two other US cities that I would now pause and pay attention to when mentioned: Rochester, New York and Detroit, Michigan. The former is Leehom's hometown and the latter, Em's. Leehom left NY since he was 17 and has established his roots in Taiwan, but Em looks like he'd have to be pried away from Detroit. I've just finished downloading Anthony Bourdain's take on the Detroit on his show Parts Unknown (thanks, D, for the heads up! =) and I can't wait to catch it.. soon. ^_^



Eminem's The Way I Am
The day before Em's birthday on October 17 (interestingly, LH's birthday is May 17, so excuse me if I felt a sudden affinity with the number 17 ;), I got a gift in the mail. Well, not really a gift, because it was something I bought for myself, but when it came, I was so excited I believe I might have let out a series of squeals in my colleague's presence haha! But yay, Christmas came early! So yeah, I bought Eminem's autobiography from bookdepository.com (awesome site, can't recommend it enough). It reached my desk just before noon, and by 2pm, I had passed the middle section of the 200+ page book. In my defense, I tried to put it down many many times, but I kept picking it up again. I couldn't help it. *hangs head in shame* But considering that it was really easy reading (not unlike reading a diary entry), and that there were a lot of pictures, it certainly wasn't a feat that I had read that much. By the time I got home, I wasn't very far from finishing it; I felt sad and the dread as I turned the last few pages.

The verdict? I enjoyed it very much but c'mon, why wouldn't I! :) It wasn't the greatest piece of written work, but it was a deeply personal piece. Some reviewers said that he skimmed through the tumultuous relationship with his mother and ex-wife, but really, what else could he have said that he hasn't in all his songs about them? That he didn't mean them? I'm quite sure those thoughts were real. He did briefly touch about the gruesome song about his ex-wife Kim, and he'd explained to her that those hateful songs he wrote about her reflected how he really felt and thought in the heat of their arguments so she would be okay with him putting them out. She relented for most part (did she have a choice?), but I feel that he did go too far at one point (he didn't write about it in the book but it's well documented on the internet), where they were on the way to his concert and she asked him if he would play that song and he said no, but I guess booze and/or drug changed his mind and he went all out deriding her on stage, and she felt so hurt and went home and slit her wrist. I hope he was wrecked with guilt over that incident! But lest you think she was a damsel-in-distress, she was also known to physically attacking him.. in public. So yeah, theirs was the real-life version of his hit song (look ma, a pun!) with Rihanna, Love the Way You Lie.

Like his songs, he's candid with what went on in his life and his head. The book provides insight into his early days struggling with poverty and being on welfare, bullies at school, having to constantly move from one home to another and one school to another, an absent father and an addict mom, minimum wage jobs, baby mama drama, and the insecurities of living where they were. It also chronicles his friendship with Proof who was instrumental in making him into who he is -- it was pretty obvious that without Proof, there'd be no Eminem. Sadly, Proof was killed in a bar fight-gone-awry in 2006 and words just can't express what it was like losing such an important figure like that in one's life; he struggled for years to get back on his feet. There was also his unrelenting pursuit of the art of emceeing, and later his explosion and exposure to the world at large. He hadn't expected to blow up like he did, and fame is still something he grappling with after all these years (he still raps about it). People who are familiar with his songs would already know most of the details of his life, but I think even the most hardcore of fans would still be able to find a tidbit or two in the book that they had not known previously.

My favorite chapter would be the one where he talks about being a father. He said that "being a dad makes me feel powerful in a way I hadn't known before, and it's the kind of power that I don't want to abuse. It's the kind of power that helps me overcome the bad shit from my childhood. It's like I'm rewriting my own history." He's always maintained that he's a father first and a rapper second, and he tries to be there for his kids (he has a daughter with ex-wife Kim, and he adopted the daughter of Kim's twin sister, and another daughter from Kim's other marriage, and "all three of my girls call me Daddy and they are loved the same" awww..) every chance he could. And he talks about how he tries to teach his daughters to be responsible and accountable and that their world isn't just a free-for-all and they've got things to do around the house, and how when they are older they'd have to get jobs and learn what it means to earn.. I'm just glad despite his troubled childhood and shaky relationship with Kim, that he would fall so naturally into the role of a loving, concern and involved father.

And this might be the wackiest confession I've ever made here or anywhere: you know how I've always have fears about attempting motherhood? Oh you probably don't because I don't ever talk about it. But it was something that stuck with me for the longest time, and though I do feel more ready now, Em was one person who actually got me to seriously consider that it probably won't be so bad after all (yes, it was that recent), with this verse in particular from Hailie's Song:

Some days I sit staring out the window, watching this world pass me by
Sometimes I think there's nothing to live for, I almost break down and cry
Sometimes I think I'm crazy, I'm crazy oh so crazy
Why am I here, am I just wasting my time?
But when I see my baby, suddenly I'm not crazy
It all makes sense when I look into her eyes

Yup. Who would have thought, right?

Lol, looks like I think I got a bit carried away with this review. To end, I know it's a very fangirl-y thing to say, but I could understand the reasons behind a lot of things he did, whether if they were justified or not, logical or not. He and I, we are kindred spirit, remember? LOL! Quit rolling your eyes!!



Ravi Zacharias's Walking from East to West: God in the Shadows

All I knew about Ravi before this was that he's a prominent Christian apologist. I sat under his protege's tutelage for the book of John. I knew that J is a huge fan(girl) of his. But I've not heard or read anything by him, and I have no excuse.

This book introduced me to him, not in the way he's usually introduced i.e. accolades upon accolades. I was introduced to a boy of low self-esteem who had no interest in academic but one who is affable and well liked. A boy who often for no obvious reason drew the ire of his father and stood meekly in the shadows of his more accomplished brother. A boy who struggled with understanding the meaning of life and drifted in the ocean of purposelessness for a long time before finding his calling that changed the course of his life, and many, many, many lives whom he's touched.

Many people who come to know Jesus have their lives changed 180 degree and that was what happened to Ravi. He became a voracious reader and his confidence grew, and God had him doing things he never knew he could or going places he never thought he would. You can't help but be absorbed in his story and just rad in amazement and awe at how things turned out.

And for the record, my short review here is in no way reflective of how I feel about the book. I won't necessarily say that it's the best of the lot here as each story and each life has its own charms and snags.. but this was definitely well-written and inspirational. Makes me all the more curious about his works. I suppose I should just get my mind ready to be blown away again.



Nadia Bolz-Weber's Pastrix: The Cranky, Beautiful Faith of a Sinner & Saint
I got to know about this book from Richard Beck's review and I was curious enough to buy a hardcover copy of it (usually I'd wait for the cheaper paperback version), also via bookdepository. The heavily tattooed Rev. Nadia Bolz-Weber is not your typical pastor, in any conventional sense of the word. Even her life path is unusual as it is presented: engaging, encouraging, irreverent, inspiring and funny.

One thing I loved about this was her brutal honesty. Sure, she swore like a sailor (uncensored in the book), and that would have bothered me a lot, but my tolerance for profanity has risen substantially thanks to Em (I don't know if it's a good thing but life is easier when I don't take offense at everything)(I mean, I still find a lot of things annoying and objectionable, but one less item off the list isn't too bad at all). I like what Beck said when warning reader of the litany of F-bombs in the book: ... to be honest, I get sort of annoyed in needing to give such warnings. Why are so many Christians such pious fragile little daisies? Do we really think Jesus was so easily offended? Goodness sakes, look who Jesus hung out with. 

And may I quote Richard again as to what the book is about:

It's a spiritual memoir that, roughly, moves through three parts of of Nadia's life. The first part covers Nadia's early years growing up in fundamentalist Christianity, her descent into drugs and sex, to her eventual return to Christianity. The second part is Nadia's calling to the pastorate and the founding of House for All Sinners and Saints. And the final part is stories about the growth of the church and Nadia's pastorate. All the way through are raw, powerful and confessional stories of both success and failure, each salted with the crazy juxtapositions created by Nadia's personal history and personality in light of her life as the spiritual leader of a faith community.

What I loved about Pastrix (a word used derisively by some conservative Christians who refuse to recognize female pastors) was how real she was and how forthcoming she was about her struggles with the word of God that most of us would probably think is "unChristian" to utter. I relate to her misanthropic nature and applaud her for fighting it (definitely made me think about how I am right now). Her church, the House of All Saints and Sinners is an all-inclusive church whose congregation would definitely raise more than a few eyebrows in most churches elsewhere. But urm, I'm cool with that. I don't know if I'd fit in there, or anywhere for that matter right now. I feel like I'm on a self-imposed isolation. I feel like I'm drifting. Sigh~ Man, are you guys reading this, I'm confessing left and right in this post. Anyway, I think one of the best things about growing old is realizing that a lot of things shouldn't and don't matter, and I think it's silly how people get up in arms over the wrong things (okay, me included, but yeah, all of us need to grow up). Like Ravi above, her story once again proves that God has a sense of humour most of us would only funny in hindsight, and that his way is wayyy beyond my puny limits, and once again, I put down all my earthly strivings before him and just sit silently at his feet.

Anyway, please allow me to quote Beck one last time: "That's what I most loved about Pastrix, how the bible kept crashing into the messiness of Nadia's life and the life of her crazy and amazing church. Being interrupted by the bible, in hard but often life-giving ways, is something that I can deeply identify with." Check out this video for one of her sermons where she recounted some of the stories she also shared in the book.



Benazir Bhutto's Daughter of the East 
I have just begun on one last autobiography I have in hand but I thought I'd include it in this list, that of Benazir Bhutto, the Prime Minister of Pakistan from 1988 until 1990, and from 1993 to 1996. She was assassinated in a bombing in 2007 (right about the time this book was published).

Her name was something I remember from way back then, and her being the first female Pakistani PM was pretty impressive to me then, and now. I'm only in the first chapter, and she talked about having kids during her tenure (she was then the only head of government in recorded history to actually give birth while in office, I'm pretty sure the record still holds). Of course her detractors had a field day trying to overthrow her, albeit unsuccessfully. Can't help but think she must have been one remarkable lady.

I generally don't read political bios because they are very detailed and those details usually just fly over my head, so... I do hope I'd finish this! If I do, and if I would write about it, I'd just update this page.

[via]

Wow, we are already ten days into November. Usually I'd be excited about being in this month, but this time around, it seemed to have arrived before I was ready.

Increasingly, I'm finding it hard to breathe. My plate is getting fuller by the day and I feel like I'm about to drop it soon and lose it altogether. And my procrastination is definitely NOT helping so I'm loading up on self-loathing. Been down with fever the past week, and I've actually never recovered from post-vacay fatigue, what more when I've had to travel for work soon after I got back. Sigh~ But really, realizing that my complaints just PALE in comparison to the other bigger stuff that's happening doesn't make it better...

My thought is with the victims of super Typhoon Haiyan in the Philippines. It's feared to have taken 10k lives so far. 10k! :( I could only pray for relief and reprieve to come soon to the survivors. What does one even pray for during such a time? Was just thinking about the typhoon, and natural disasters, in general, and questioning why they happen. I mean, I get death resulting from human acts (wars, genocide, murder, etc.) - we attribute that to sin - but why didn't God create a world that's disaster-free? Don't we have enough to deal with? Feels kinda senseless. :(

My prayer is also with a dear friend C, who's been diagnosed with a rare condition of having cyst growth in her spine. I.. Gosh, I don't know. It was one of the worst news I've had to wake up to. She sounded okay when I spoke to her today, but she's had a grueling two days coming to terms with the news. She'll be seeing a neurologist to determine the next step. God, please, please, PLEASE let her be okay.

Lord, have mercy.

So it seems like I'm approaching Eminem's latest album one song at a time. Today I've been looping and listening to track #11 Stronger Than I Was. It's an atypical song for him -- for one, he sang half the song (kinda like what he did on Hailie's Song). He usually gets a lot of flak for singing, and he's admitted as many times that his singing isn't up to par, but to my untrained ears, it's pretty decent, not great, but.. well, it sounds like him, singing, so yeah, it's cool. Maybe it's just me. I like his voice. Sometimes I play his interviews just to hear him talk. Although he often comes off angry when he sings, I find his talking voice soothing and assuring. Maybe it's just me. Anyway, I love this song from the first listen. There's something to it that I can't put my finger on. It feels familiar and foreign at the same time, and I found comfort in that contradiction. I also think his untrained vocal vibed hints of vulnerability and earnestness, and all that made this work. Maybe it's just me.

Some commenters have said that this song was written from his ex-wife's Kim's POV, especially the first part, but I think it vacillates between the two of them. You know, I do sympathize with him in that the two main women figures in his life were of very volatile personalities. I'm not excusing his misogynistic expressions (I feel like I'm doing that every time I try to justify him, but that's not my intention), but having seen the pattern of his trust being violated over and over again, I feel he deserved a break. And he got it. Should he have risen above that after all these years? It would have made an inspiring tale if he has, but the story isn't over yet, right? Anyway, he has mended his relationship with Kim since, and they are now able to work seamlessly as a team of parents to their kids. He's also apologised to her in the previous album in Going Through Changes so I guess it's all good at this point...

Hailie this one is for you, Whitney and Alaina too,
I still love your mother, that'll never change,
think about her every day, we just could never get it together.
hey, wish there was a better way, for me to say it,
but I swear on everything, I'd do anything for her on any day.
there are just too many things, to explain, when it rains,
guess it pours, yes it does, wish there wasn't any pain.
but I can't pretend there ain't, I ain't placing any blame,
I ain't pointing fingers, heaven knows I've never been a saint.
I know it just feels like we just pissed away our history,
but just today, I looked at your picture, almost if to say,
I miss you self consciously, wish it didn't end this way.
but I just had to get away, don't know why,
I don't know what else to say, I guess I'm.. [going through changes]

eminem :: going through changes

But wait, that's not the song I was talking about. It's this one below - do check it out! :) So far, so good, so hmm, what song should I check out next? A bit apprehensive cos I don't wanna break the streak haha!

and I thank you cause you made me a better person than I was

but I hate you cause you drained me, I gave you all, you gave me none

but if you blame me, you're crazy and after all that's said and done

I'm still angry, yeah, I maybe, I may never trust someone

eminem :: stronger than I was

Mm btw I'm falling ill again (got sick a few days in Taiwan too), and I'm traveling again tomorrow to Miri, so say a prayer for me please.

A final parting thought, I've been thinking about this guy (a friend of some friends) who recently died a hero. He was an outdoor enthusiast and operated his own adventure company. He died saving one of his clients from drowning, and his death was apparently a great loss to many. I've read a few testimonies (this for one) about what an awesome person he was, and the many lives that has touched and helped and saved over the years, in church and wherever else he was. Everyone agreed that he lived his life to the fullest and was a commendable steward of that life he was given. He was only 42 and left behind his wife and two kids and I guess the inevitable question on everyone's mind is why the Lord took him home so soon. He wasn't the first person whose departure warranted this question, but I guess it had to be asked. And as expected, God remains silent. Sigh~

I've often wondered how I would be eulogized at my funeral. I don't dream of greatness at all, but I want my life to count for something. I'll leave it to God to decide what that something is, and I pray that I will be faithful when it's entrusted to me.

will anything I'm doing now matter in..

a month? three? seven?
a year? two? eleven?
twenty-five when I retire?
thirty-five when I expire?

guilty pleasures.

I stumbled upon something Jon Foreman wrote back in 2010 which was tongue-in-cheek but hit the nail right on the head on the subject. In his article for Huff Post, Outside the Fences, he started off with:

Guilty Pleasures: the phrase alone implies a form of aesthetic righteousness. Your personal preferences (unique and subjective by definition), are kept in line by a higher standard of objective good (as defined by the community). The experts have agreed upon art that is right and superior. [..] Your joy is shameful; your pleasures are guilty. Scandalous even. [..] You have succumbed to your tasteless tastes: this is contraband art.

I suppose we feel the heat because in the court of "discerning" hoi polloi, we have been found guilty of liking something that's perceived as unsophisticated, uncultured or even crude. In fact, I'm not a defendant here, for I too have a seat on the judicial panel and I have my own standards of what's good and praiseworthy and what's not, and I exert the highest expectations on myself and sometimes others to adhere to and uphold those benchmarks and principles. And that, while being somewhat true (it's an ISFP trait), is also basically a bunch of bollocks. For who among us has not find joy reveling in some sort of lowbrow fun, be it smutty novels or questionable fashion choices or eyebrow-raising music taste? Hello!

Yesterday, J told me she was listening songs from That That, a defunct 90s English pop boy band, and she was "smiling [and] laughing like an idiot, thinking back on my adolescent craze" and having "goosebumps from the CHEESINNESSSSS", but how she "pored over them, every cassette tape, poster, magazine, video tape.. their voices not even good! except for Robbie Williams". Lol, what a load of cheese AND corn we use to consume right?

He looked exactly like this 20 years ago.

So last night I was inspired by that to look up my first celeb crush who inspired me to pick up Mandarin: Jimmy Lin. I tended to avoid talking about him for the longest time because I felt my joy was "shameful" as per Jon's words, but it's been 20 years, we've all moved on. Man, 20 years! And the dude looked like he hasn't aged a day! Haha, the same goes to LH and Em and everyone who hit jackpot with their gene pool. 

Anyway, I searched YouTube for the first song I knew from him: 今年夏天 (lit. This Year's Summer) from his sophomore album which launched his singing career, Summer of '92. I don't remember how I knew of him, but I remember going to the music shop and buying the cassette. It might have been one of the first albums, if not the first, I owned. I'd just became a teenager and he was this super cute 17 years old 陽光男孩 (lit. sunshine boy) and I developed the hugest crush for him lol!

And yes, the songs were cheesy and the lines so corny and the tunes so sappy and the feel so 90s and his voice could use more lessons, but the flood of nostalgia swept me away back to my awkward pimply-faced years like no time machine could. I'm amazed I could still sing along to some of the songs. Being a lyrics person that I was and still am, it bugged me back then that I didn't know what I was singing. So I painstakingly copied every word from the lyrics sleeve and approached my mom many times over for its meaning and how to read it. I didn't dare to show her the source of those words because I knew she wouldn't approve (not because of who it was, but because a cassette would have been deemed a frivolous purchase and my parents frown upon such).

It was tiresome at first because I didn't know most of the words, which meant I would have probably written down most if not all of the lyrics, but copying each character really helped in catching and recognizing it. I suppose by his third or fourth album, I didn't have to go to my mom that frequently, but I think it was around the first or second album when she asked me, "Where are these words from? Did someone send you a love letter??" LOL! I was incredulous at first because it never crossed my mind that it could appear as such, but really, it was word after word from sappy love songs.... can't fault her for her 1+1. She must be relieved to know that I was just learning to read words to sing along. Hehe!

This is an old pic, but cld pass off as current.

I also remember having a lyrics book where I'd translate all his songs into pinyin so that it's easier for me to sing along. That book was my pride. It also helped that he released one to two albums a year to remain relevant so there was always something new to look forward to (many pop artists still do, which erm, kinda say something about the quality of the songs/production *cough*). And then there were the magazines and posters and photos... we had no YouTube, no celeb gossip websites, no instant access to the latest news, and I had no English content to pour over, but these are mere bumps to a determined fan in her track. I also had a ring file of all the articles from magazines and newspapers I could get my hand on (they were all in Chinese) to keep up with everything Jimmy.

So yeah, that was my foray into fangirling, and it was really quite a thrilling ride. After a few years, he went into Taiwan's compulsory military training for its youth and was out of the media spotlight for a couple of years which was long enough for wean me myself off him. I never got back on the ride after he made a comeback, but I don't think anyone took his place in terms of having me pour in the kind of energy and time, until Leehom came along last year when I was reigniting my desire to learn Chinese. Interestingly, Leehom started his entertainment career only about 3-4 years after Jimmy, but I only took notice of him some 17 years later. I guess I'm not an early adopter. Haha!

Mm, Leehomania has died down quite a bit now that Em's in the picture, but I did learn a number of new Chinese characters over the course of 18 months (thereabout) so it was time well-spent. Well, with Leehom's new album underway, I suppose there's still room to absorb more. And if you're wondering if Em's influenced me in any way, he did, for my writing.. you may or may not have noticed that my recent posts are lengthier, where I also try to inject more assonance into my prose.

The answer is yes, as in yes it would kill him to smile. 

Speaking of Leehom, I'm building up really high expectations for his upcoming album and I'm worried I'm setting myself up for disappointment. It's his first album after he went independent of Sony, his previous label for the longest time, which means he has full control of the kinda songs he wants to put out. I could only hope that means fresh and new sounds, and fewer corny ballads (I know he still needs to have those to satiate market demand, but please Leehom, please let them be good). And I don't know if this is asking for too much, I hope the lyrical content of the album are also of a higher standard and covers a broader perspective of life than just the romantic aspect of it. You can see why I could be setting myself up to be let down, but I'll give him the benefit of doubt. And speaking of album, Em's eighth studio effort, The Marshall Mathers LP 2, is set to be in store on Nov 5 (yes, my calendar's marked :) No news on the release date of LH's album yet.

So yeah, guilty pleasures. They add such wonderful swirls of colours into one's life, so how could we not love them? So let's just go ahead and indulge sans guilt. We can save the condemnation for things that are actually hurtful or harmful. Cheers!

offloading.

Ahh the weather just screams "blog something!".. okay, not screaming, just gently suggesting. It's gloomy and gray outside and I could see a light drizzle but I'm lovin' it. Okay, let's get to it.

I've been thinking, the past four years (roughly 2010 onward) felt like it has only been just one year. You know how I always lament that time passes by so quickly, I suppose the past 1,460 days felt exactly right as a year and not four. Memory-wise at least, everything seems so recent. It's like I've just joined the company, I've just left my old church, I've just grown closer to my present group of friends... I suppose the birth of this blog back then marked the beginning of that "new year", and when I read back the entries, they didn't seem like it was another lifetime ago.

Maybe the leap year is there for the reason that it signifies a complete cycle, that each one should consist of four trips around the sun instead of one. Maybe time isn't linear as how we usually measure it, but something more dynamic and differs from one individual to another but we use standard time-keeping so that we could be on the same page. And this change only starts once you hit 30. So by that measure, I'm 31 going on 32, which is exactly how old I feel. I love it how pieces of puzzles like these make perfect logic-defying sense in my head. Haha!

I've also wondered if I'm going through some sort of midlife crisis. I'm 35 (in conventional year *cough*) this year, right about the halfway mark to 70 which is how long I expect to live. So yeah, like some people who go through MLC with a new sports car and a younger wife, I seek other forms of excitement.. like, I never expected to like Chinese pop music, but I went crazy over Leehom which made me a happy bunny for a good long time. And I certainly never in a million years would have expected to be a fan of Eminem, no more than I would have expected myself to ever like K-pop (it hasn't happen yet, but at the rate things are going, who knows!). Maybe I like that he's so far removed from my world but here I am, probably close to exhausting all online links with his name and trying to talk myself out of the crush (yes) by constantly questioning myself and slowly expanding my base to other hip hop artists.

But just as it was with every other musician or band or singer that I like, I don't go very far off base. I will check out their peers who are of equal standing if not more superior (like how I checked out Jay Chou for Leehom), but my loyalty and connection are already sealed with that one entity in that given space and time. I find it impossible to rank the musicians/bands/singers I like (and by these I mean the ones I was really into, where I've heard their entire catalog of songs, not the ones where I just like one or a few songs).. I feel a deep connection with each of them, and each is different from the other because I relate and bond with them at different season of my life.. so even if I don't listen to them very often now, their importance doesn't fade and I can instantly feel the same fervency when I hear any of their songs. And this journey, I must say that I'm thrilled (and perhaps a little wary) of what's going on, but I will ride the wave out.

You know, there was this line from Em's latest song that struck a chord with me, when he rapped, "Say f--- it before we kick the bucket, life's too short to not go for broke." Not that I want to be reckless, but I've been thinking about that a while now and have been wondering what that means for me. I've always felt that I'm holding back, perhaps stemming from a strong need to feel that I'm in control. I also feel like I've been waiting a long time for something but I have no idea if whatever that is is coming or not. I still feel that I'm living a lot for myself, and of course I'm fine with it, but I'm just not sure if.. Hmm, maybe I'll just continue waiting. It's a good place to be, I won't deny that, but I'm just hoping I'm not missing the boat or bus or train or flight to wherever I'm supposed to go.

Anyway, I don't know how long or how deep I would be wading in these waters, but I wish I had discovered it earlier! I really love the wordplay and verbosity afforded by hip hop. There's so much more room to tell a story or to express one's thoughts and feelings. And to have the stories in rhymes, now that's music to my ear. I just think it takes mad skills to spit a string of cohesive rhyme so I'm practically awestruck over and over again. And the raw honesty is definitely a major pull factor for me. And yes, I'm all too aware of and will not deny the violent/misogynistic/offensive aspects found in rap songs but hey, it's not confined to this genre. Summer song darlin' Robin Thicke's Blurred Lines is a wolf in sheep's clothing, which is worse.. so yeah, I'm navigating with caution, and I believe my friends will keep me in check too. At this point, I'm just enjoying rapping as a sublime art form. Bleh, I think my endurance for coarse language is stronger now (thanks but no thanks, Em).

Moving on, I find reading my personality description to be such a relief most times. It assures me that I'm not weird (or at least if I was, that I'm not the only one). True to my ISFP character which is described as being "intense people who experience their emotions on an intense level. Although they may appear to be light-hearted, they are in fact extremely serious, and take their relationships seriously", I experience very strong, almost overwhelming, emotions that I feel like I have no control over (e.g. as shown in my response to my favorite music). It's like there's a giant magnifying glass and my emotions are like the sunlight going through it and hitting one spot that is me. I am averse to being run over by emotions and yet I still experience it through and through. This is what I mean when I feel like I'm driving myself insane. I hit very high highs where I feel like I could take on the world. Like the haiku that I wrote, I cannot begin to describe the level of satisfaction and pride and contentment and depth that I felt when those words were formed, first in my heads as fragmented description of what I was feeling and scattered pieces of what I was thinking about, and later when I manage to collect and have them materialise as typed words. In those three lines and 14 syllables was captured my entire state of being at that moment in time, and to have it down in written words is just so... so good. But that all those feelings could be so consuming and amplified to the point where I think I might implode. And then when I snap out of the stupor, I'll be staring at those three lines and 14 syllables and not being able to imagine anyone else seeing them beyond that. Have I unwittingly convinced you that I need to be institutionalised? Hehe!

Also, we ISFPs are also said to "may have a problem with communication. With Introverted Feeling dominating their personality, they are more vulnerable than most to being hurt. Perhaps because of this, they tend to hold back part of themselves from others, and do not always say what they think or feel. This is especially true during conflict situations, which the ISFP abhors more than anything in the world. Confrontations and arguments are very difficult for the ISFP to deal with. They feel personally threatened in these situations." I told you that I hold myself back. Mm, since this is part of my character, I wonder if I could break out of it. And yes, no conflict please, can we all just get along, here have some cornflakes kthnxbai.

Anyways, I'm done writing for now. Just want to get some stuff off my chest. I love this blog for this very reason! *breathes normal again*

unhinged.

I rolled the blinds up and scanned the cityscape from my usual vantage point. The edge of the city was in plain view, a sea of blue and grey, bathing in the afterglow of dusk. That soon gave way to darkness, but not completely; orange lights like polka dots illuminated the canvas. The city seemed quiet from where I was: comfortably encased in my room. I put David Crowder on, one song in particular and set it on repeat, a familiar and comforting tune. I heard a knock. It's 'em age-old unanswered questions at the door. Here we go again.

Take my heart, I lay it down at the feet of you who's crowned

Take my life, I'm letting go, I lift it up to You who's throned

I tensed up when I became conscious again of the different nameless tensions that I was supposed to hold in balance, knowing that I was merely a nerve tic away from letting something slip. A cloud of uncertainty hovered over me. A slight sense of anxiety took a seat on my left, I shifted uncomfortably. Then a tinge of sadness sat down on my right and took my hand; a reminder of the realities of life.. and that I was alive. I know that I'm privileged to afford these thoughts, but it is one luxury I could probably do without.

Take my fret, take my fear, all I have, I'm leaving here

Be all my hopes, be all my dreams, be all my delights, be my everything

I thought of the two TED Talks I watched last night: one of Elon Musk, scientist, inventor, explorer, dreamer extraordinaire, Tony Stark in the flesh, and I was awe-struck by his vision and articulation; and then I watched Hyeonseo Lee who struggled to explain in heavily-accented English (her third language after Korean and Chinese) how she escaped the horror that is North Korea and her subsequent effort in extracting her family. Two figures who couldn't be more different in every way, sharing on the same stage stories that inspire and ignite something in us. And I thought of the circumstances of their birth, their adolescence and adulthood, and asked God why.

Then I thought about the people I read in the news recently who had died senseless deaths. I thought about the people I read about elsewhere: Facebook, Quora, Wikipedia, Weibo, all of us who lead different lives that happened to converge on social media. I thought of the person whose psyche I've been trying to grasp, through his works and his words. I thought about a person who has been out of my mind a long time. I thought about my close friends who are halfway across the world. And the one who's in the same city. I thought about my parents and my siblings. I thought about my husband and about us. And I thought about me. And my mind took flight on a moon-bound rocket ship.

And it's just You and me here now, only You and me here now

You should see the view when it's only You

Open my eyes to see You in the bigger picture, to see You in our midst, to see that You know and care, to see how this is the way it's supposed to be, to see what it would be. Open my ears to listen to Your word when You speak, to listen to unspoken words, to listen to Your heart beat. Open my mind to grasp the all-encompassing knowledge of God, and to apply that in life, to love and kindness. Guide me in Your way everlasting, and let me understand what that means in practical terms.