So I just finished watch a tear-jerker J-drama, 1 Litre no Namida (リットルの涙, lit. "1 Litre of Tears"; also called A Diary with Tears or A Diary of Tears) about a girl who was diagnosed with an incurable degenerative disease at 15. Normally I would not touch this genre with a 10-ft pole, but Dz highly recommended it and a quick read of some reviews echoed that, so I decided to jump into it.

At 11 episodes, I thought it was pretty manageable for a weekend binge watching. I was also curious about my reaction towards tear-jerkers. After my previous outing with Anohana, I was admittedly a leeettle disturbed by the fact that I didn't shed any tear while the other reviewers were crying buckets. While I rarely, if ever, cry watching dramas and even think it's funny when say that I may have a heart of stone, I did wonder why I am like that especially because it doesn't jive with the emo person that I am.

But going into the show with those thoughts was perhaps where my "experiment" got off on the wrong foot. I knew it was a sappy movie, so my guard was up and I probably subconsciously kept it so throughout. And it being a drama, my patience started to wear thin halfway in, and that was after I discovered the Speed button on Youtube (where I caught the show) and proceeded to watch the show at 2x. That coupled with the lack of audio half the time due to music copyright issue resulting in me watching a lot of the second part of the show in silent, so I might have been a little detached from it all. The only tear I ended up shedding was from yawning. All these notwithstanding, I will try to give a somewhat objective thought on the movie, with the help of hindsight..

First, a quick synopsis (courtesy of Wiki):

Fifteen-year-old Ikeuchi Aya is an ordinary girl, soon to be high school student and daughter of a family who works at a shop that makes tofu. As time passes, unusual things start happening to Aya. She begins falling down often and walking strangely. Her mother Shioka, takes Aya to see the doctor, and he informs Shioka that Aya has spinocerebellar degeneration - a rare disease where the cerebellum of the brain gradually deteriorates to the point where the victim cannot walk, speak, write, or eat. A cruel disease, as it does not affect the mind. The script is based on the diary Aya kept writing until she could no longer hold a pen.

So... after all those things I said earlier, I actually liked the show. While I'm not gushing about it, I think it has its merits and definitely more going for it than I give it credit for. For me, let's see.. I liked that it was based on a real-life account (with photos of the real Aya during each credit run) -- the thought that this really happened to someone made it more real, more sobering. Her optimism and strength was inspiring in the face of the nightmare her conditions were turning into (she would soon be difficult to walk, talk and even eat -- for a 15yo active girl, I couldn't think of a worse place to be).

I thought the acting all around was pretty good, esp the lead actress (Sawajiri Erika).. I could partially feel her pain, her fears, her not wanting to trouble people, and I cringed at her awkward attempts to walk, move, etc. However, I felt I was quick to distance myself from feeling too much. I think it's because the idea of losing control of one's body and speech and yet still having an alert mind deeply terrifies me and I don't really wanna dwell on them.

I also liked how her sister's character evolved, she who'd always lived in her shadow coming out into her own. I like her parents and their range of emotions and reaction. I think everything was believable (given that it's based on a real person, it should la) -- except mayyyybe the guy interest (then again, he's a fictional character, so maybe that's why.. even his family was kinda 2D and the tragedy linked to them cliched). But I liked that they didn't focus too much on the romance bit (esp since it technically didn't happen), but it was sad nevertheless knowing that they couldn't be together. Since the show is largely based on Aya's diary entries, I liked that they used actual quotes, again a reminder that this actually happened. But maybe because I've been watching anime a lot, I kept converting the scenes into animated sequence in my head as I watch the show. I thought that was quite funny. :)

Anyway, I don't think I'll be catching any drama anytime soon. I might make an exception if it was in anime format though.. but really, who knows.

of siblings and mermaids

It has been a weekend of binge watching for me (okay, there was also the visit to my siblings' place in JB, which was totally uneventful and totally awesome! *heart* =) Sis and I did up the guest room with some items I got from IKEA - we assembled a shelf, a clothes rack and a floor light, and spending time doing that was fun! I only wished that the bros weren't working this weekend - I saw so little of them! :( That said, it wasn't like we talked a lot but still, it was really nice just being there, being together for whatever time we had.. ^_^

Anywayyyy, I had a slow start to this anime called Seto no Hanayome early this week (h/t to Dz for the recommendation).. but it picked up speed and I finished all 26 episodes about 30mins ago and OMG IT'S THE FUNNIEST THING EVARR. Its humor is right up my alley and I've lost count of all my unbecoming and literal LOL moments.. It's just so OTT, I don't even know how to begin describing it. The husby even banished me to our room because I was distracting him from the Wimbledon tennis final (Djoko won 3-2 over Fed). But srsly, I haven't laughed so much watching anything in a longgg time! :D I got J started on it too but jury's still out on if she'd finish it, cos she said it reminded her of how she felt watching The Lego Movie (which she was meh about, and which I thought was the BEST MOVIE EVARRR (you see where we're going here).. so yeah. Okay, if I were to be pedantic, there were some things about the series that kinda irked me (in particular the female lead's POV on certain issues), butttt I'll just take a chill pill and revel in its slapstick silliness. So yeah I wuv it! Click here to stream the show.  

#darkesttimeline
— Joel McHale (@joelmchale) May 9, 2014

About the only thing that could be worse in TVland than HIMYM's finale right about this time is the cancellation of Community. Which happened. I had feared it for years, and for the first time, I actually thought that this little show would finish the race, so I was practically stunned into silence when the news dropped on me. I went straight into denial and then onto Tumblr, where fangirls/boys be. There weren't that much noise generated. Made a feeble attempt on Twitter to get Netflix to pick the show up for a final season, as they had done for Arrested Development. Turned out that that wasn't going to happen. Hmm. I don't know how not to form emotional bonds with things like these. So yeah, I'll deal with this somehow. Should I hold my breath for a knight in shining armour? That kinda thing still happens, right?

Give me some rope, tie me to dream

Give me the hope to run out of steam

Somebody said, it can be here

We could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year

I can’t count the reasons I should stay

One by one they all just fade away

The 88 – At Least It Was Here

of thoughts and things.

I'll admit it, it still smarts thinking of this, that it did not happen, or rather, did not last. One of the hardest emotions to process is that of being betrayed, even knowing that it was fake and scripted all along. Go figure.

I learned the term OTP (or One True Pairing) in the past few days of Tumbling. And Swarkles (a portmanteau of their nicknames in the show - Barney's Swarley (I kinda forget how he got it but everyone called him that and he hated it) and Robin's alter ego, the Canadian teenage idol Robin Sparkles) are my OTP. Just look at how good they look together! *drools* 

Also the reason I keep talking about it is because it's the easiest thing to write about. No need to think, just feel. And there is so much feels. Heh. I just wonder if my obsession with some things (TV series) and people (JF, LH, Em etc) even food (potatoes?) is symptomatic of something else in my life. Hmm.

Anyway, I was in the forest earlier this week. Zero internet connectivity but I wanted to write, and I did, so err, am just gonna dump the whole load here.

Tuesday 8-Apr-2014
I am in the forest, five hours’ drive into its heart, far far away from the city. I just finished watching one of the most hedonistic and depraved movies of recent times, Martin Scorsese’s The Wolf of Wall Street, and I’m feeling a little sick from all the debauchery -- Leonardo DiCaprio however, was awesome and believable in his role as usual. I decided to turn in, and read to sleep.

That I should be holding a book in my hand, snug in a double bed, with the wilderness that stretches for hours at all directions around me outside... I suddenly feel a wave of gratitude is washing over me. I remember the sunset from this evening, and I remembered the sunrise from months ago during my previous time here. They were precious moments to be savoured, and I look forward to tomorrow’s… although I am doubting that I would see it, knowing my sleeping and waking pattern. Still, being here, miles away from almost everyone I know, is amazing, unglamorous as it is.

A quick conversation with my colleagues just now that touched on career ambitions came to mind, and once again, I ponder at my lack of one. I don’t foresee myself much further from where I am today on the day I retire. Of course I would love to be earning a higher steady income, but I am not very driven to pursue that. I should live with that right, but it doesn’t help that once in a while I feel so envious of my friends making it in Singapore, Australia, the US, Norway, even in Malaysia, and here I am, wearing my deer-in-headlights look, asking all the wrong questions.

Back in the civilised society I left just 12 hours ago, I’ve been watching tonnes of Jimmy Fallon these days. I usually only watch snippets on talk shows on Youtube when something interesting links me from, say Facebook, but I find myself subscribing to his Tonight Show’s videos and just drawn in to clicking one after another of his older clips from his Late Night stint. I love Fallon’s stuff, especially the musical things he does with his bff Justin Timberlake, and his house band, The Roots, and all the silly games he plays with his guests, he’s very talented and relatable, and I especially love him fanboying over people and music – his giggles and suppressed excitement are infectious!

Fallon-ing aside, I’ve also been Neil Patrick Harris-ing and Benedict Cumberbatch-ing and Dan Harmon-ing (and of course HIMYM-ing!), and ok, my point is, I’m thinking, all these people I’ve named in this post, they are not very much older (or younger) than me, and look at where they are! Standing on the world’s stage basking in its limelight, glowing flawlessly and grappling with pressures I am unfamiliar with. And again, here I am, feeling guilty wanting to be contented with a very ordinary and unremarkable life.

Today, I visited one of my company’s veneer mills, and like my trip to our flooring factory in China, I saw all these workers in their bright uniforms going about their assigned tasks working 12 hours a day and six days a week, doing the same thing over and over and over again, and it makes me feel weird. I kept thinking, I was probably just one birth away from being in their shoes, born to an impoverished family struggling to survive and having to leave everything and everyone I know for a place so foreign and scary for a job that pays me minimum wages and that’s nothing but repetitive day in and day out, year in and year out, remaining nameless and faceless for most part…

Honestly, I feel guilty thinking that I’ve escaped that fate. What reason is there that I have a better life, especially when I don't do anything with it? I struggle to understand how each of us has a purpose for living, and while I believe that I have one, I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what’s mine, and it bugs me greatly. I know that I’m trying with my extremely human understanding doing something very futile. And this futility, it’s demotivating me.

Over and over again, I ask what is the meaning of anything. Is anything worth it? Is everything in vain? With the years flying by, why bother with anything? It will be over soon, wouldn’t it? I don’t expect God to answer these questions I’ve been asking forever, and his silence is discouraging and disheartening. Suddenly I feel as if I know nothing and understand nothing and see nothing and hear nothing and feel… nothing. I am scared.

This isn’t how I envisioned being lost in God mean when I sing that line. I’m moved by testimonies of God’s greatness, but I am well aware for every victory, there are ten stories of pains and brokenness that never get shared. I don’t know what I’m asking for but I want to be found in that.

Wednesday 9-Apr-2014
I miss the city a little, and dream of getting lost in one. New York, New York. Tokyo, London, Hong Kong and Paris. Moscow, Melbourne, Milan, Madrid… and Miri.

Everyone’s somewhere, and I’m here. The sky is clear tonight, and the stars scatter across the black canvas. It’s a beautiful sight on a quiet night; not total silence as in the background is myriad of unfamiliar sounds made by the crickets and creatures of the forest. I held my phone up and clicked on the Google SkyMap app and checked out the stars and constellations, most of which hold little meaning to me. And I imagine myself lying on the grounds at Joshua Tree with my best friends on such a night, and smiled knowing how glorious that would be.

Anyway, I finally finished watching The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Emma Watson is so beautiful, and I love every scene of her. I liked this movie. Looks like I’m in a rare mood for watching drama, this being the third in a row in as many days; the first being The Book Thief which I caught on the flight to Miri.

Speaking of dramatic movies, on my way in, a song played on the radio (Any Empty Wine Bottles For Sale 酒矸倘賣無) from the 1983 movie Papa, Can You Hear Me Sing 搭錯車 (wow, the full movie's here on Youtube! I wuv how the interwebz always amazes me =). I haven't heard the song in a while, and I haven't seen the movie since I last watched in back in the mid-80s. All I remember was that it was a pretty depressing movie about a man and his daughter. Reading the wiki page failed to jolt any further memory but the sentiment remains.

Did you know that I've lived through five decades - born in the 70s, lived through my childhood in the 80s and teenage years in the 90s, then early adulthood in the naughties, and now reaching my midlife point in the 2010's. I feel like these five decades was like the HIMYM finale, everything in the past billion years was trudging along and then bam!, everything just accelerated. I suppose the finale would be Jesus coming back again :)

This just came up on my phone's Bible app. Food for thought.

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2 (NIV)

goodbye, HIMYM. you were and will always be legend-waitforit-dary.

Ah nine years. So much has happened IRL and in TV Land. But these were mostly good times, and we've been through a lot. We knew an end was inevitable as fans' patience is running its course.. and because nothing lasts forever, the ironical title of the 2-episode finale notwithstanding.

Warning: Everything ahead is a spoiler. Do not proceed below these images. You have been warned. :)




This is a truly bittersweet farewell because.. brace yourself, I'm gonna to rant for the rest of this write-up.

best 20 minutes of my life

Community is bacccckkkkk!!! Oh my heart! With Dan Harmon back in the creator's seat, the show seems to have received a new leash of life after a somewhat disappointing Season 4. But this season we are saying goodbye to two of its main cast: Pierce (Chevy Chase)(whom I never really liked, so I didn't mind his departure)(he had a fallout with Dan) and Troy (Donald Glover a.k.a. rapper Childish Gambino)(whom I really, really liked)(he's leaving cos he wanted to focus on his music career, and it does not help that the show's constantly on the threat of being canceled)(I meeesh you already Troy, and how will Abed cope with you going off? Gosh, I'm genuinely heartbroken as one can be... over a TV character, and yes I feel silly crying cos obviously it's not real but.. but.. like the lava on the floor (farewell episode reference), it was real enough for Abed, it's real enough for me. I hope he comes back next season :( These guys are the best, I tell you, THE BEST!! =) Okay, I just want to say that I'm totally stoked about Community's return, even if this is a short season. #sixseasonandamovie yo!! *HEART*

Since we're on the subject of sitcom... I started and finished catching up with all five seasons (and the ongoing sixth) of Parks and Recreation over the past two weeks, and it was awesome. Not as awesome as Community, but it definitely made it into the list of my top five favorite sitcoms! It took me more than a year after downloading the first season to get into the motion (and I only did because all the other series I was following was on Christmas hiatus) but boy, am I glad I did. I just love the character played by Amy Poehler, the ever earnest and always optimistic government servant, Leslie Knope. And Nick Offerman's portrayal of Ron Swanson is stuff of internet legend by now. They are my two fav chars. I also love how cute Adam Scott is as Leslie's love interest and was also charmed by the impulsive and weirdo couple, April (Aubrey Plaza) and Andy (Chris Pratt)... and the rest of the cast is great too. It's literally* the best show there is and I'm just delighted to be on this wagon.. ;)

* that's one of Chris Traeger's (played by Rob Lowe) catchphrase, a blatant abuse of the word "literally"

Last but not least, a quick mention on the much-welcomed finall season of How I Met Your Mother. Much I had loved the show, my patience was wearing thin by the long winded stories Ted have been telling his kids - nine years! Like.... get it done and over already! I know I will definitely miss the show once it's over, but I guess it's better to go out in glory than defeat. They revealed Ted's wife (played by Cristin Milioti) in the last episode of the previous season, and she's pretty much incorporated into this season's plot and I love her already, so I guess everything is going on just fine and we're all just waiting with mixed emotions for the B(ig)-Day... so bring it on!

I just caught up with S02E11 (The Diabolical Kind) of Elementary, and this song by Radical Face played in the episode. It's not the kinda song I usually listen to (not these days), but I found myself repeating it. I'm glad that it came my way and want to note it's my song of the moment. I suppose it would be one of those songs I would forget but for now, I want to remember it as the perfect song for a great episode. :)

Some get dealt simple hands
Some walk the common paths, all nice and worn
But all folks are damaged goods
It ain't a talk of "if," just one of "when" and "how"

So, collect your scars and wear 'em well
Your blood's a good an ink as any
Go scratch your name into the clouds
And pull 'em all... down

Radical Face :: The Crooked Kind

another day, another goodbye

i'm five months too late to the farewell party, but still.. sigh~

goodbyes are tough, even if it's just for a TV show, esp when the characters have grown on you. anyway, I've just watched the final episode of Leverage on TV, and I'm glad it was a befitting finale. so goodbye, Nate, Sophie, Parker, Hardison and Elliot, and thanks for the great and fun five seasons. :')

legend.

Okay I've lost count of the number of times I've watched that video of Leehom singing Getaran Jiwa. I love it to bits. Sigh~

Amidst this, I naturally went wiki-ing the late Tan Sri P Ramlee. I realised that I didn't know much about him. Sure I've seen a couple of his movies when I was reeeallly young, and have heard some of his songs over the years, and who could forget Sheila Majid's Lagenda tribute? But I'd wanted to know what was it that garnered him such recognition, a national icon?

His page was surprisingly sparse, but there was a reference to a documentary commissioned by History Channel a few years back, and again, thanks to Youtube, I found the 90-minute video (embedded below) which chronicled his life, the rise and fall. Yay!

Note: Full spoiler ahead :)

It was an interesting show, there were interview footage from earlier, and they also interviewed some people who were close to him (it looks like a number of them have also passed away since), such as the sister of his wife Saloma, his son Nasir, and other people in the industry. He'd lived in tough time, but he rose to the top of his game and was his studio's (Shaw Organisation) blue-eyed boy. Everything he touched turned into gold. He was a multi-talented entertainer: he wrote and directed screenplays, and he wrote hundreds of songs which were very popular at his times. His accomplishment and international recognition were well-deserved - his movies constantly won him regional awards.

Of course this made him enemies with the other more senior directors, and they ostracized him. Also because they had media clout, P Ramlee's news were practically blacked out. Still he persisted. Now I scantly remember what was the reason he left Singapore to come back to Malaysia (too much politicking that he couldn't handle, was it?) And that was the beginning of his downfall.

For whatever reason, he was rejected, ridiculed and scorned by his very own! They called him a has-been, they mocked his work, they unfairly criticized him. I really felt terrible for him. Still he soldiered on, trying to make do with the old equipment and untrained staff, which were a far cry from his endless budget, state-of-the-art and skilled workers environment back in Singapore. Everything he did was panned by the critics, and he never got back to the level he once held.

And it continued to go downhill from there. His music company severed ties with him, there were no new jobs that came in.. eventually he had to take up odd jobs to put food on his family's table. It was heartbreaking. I don't think I could ever know why his "friends" turned his back against him. Or why they were unaware of his plight (apparently he never sought help and kept his problems to himself).

I had thought that perhaps he was not a nice person, but everyone who was interviewed said that he was also generous to a fault, and he never knew how to say No. His sis-in-law said that people would often come up to him with sob stories, and he'd give every sen he had on him, to the disbelief of his wife. If such was this man, and I can imagine how some of his so-called "friends" sucking him dry.

His last days were desolate. He died a penniless man. Shaw Organisation never released the rights to his movies, so despite the thousands (millions?) that he's made for the studio, he earned nothing from there. But just as he had the chance to shine again (another famous actress from that era who was mentored by him, Sarimah, decided to let him direct her next movie. But before he had to chance to sign the contract the next day, he died suddenly of a heart attack, at 44 (so young!)..

His death shocked the nation, "and a sense of collective guilt began to spread nationwide, as prior to his death he had been discredited and rejected by his own nation,citing that he was a "has been" and that his songs and film were no longer marketable." (wiki) Most of his national recognition and titles came post-posthumously, and I echo the narrator who said that it was, "too little, too late". Sigh.

I was rather shaken and even teared watching the last bit of the documentary. I think it was the pains of the betrayal that got to me. And all those politicking that went about had him fighting uphill battles all the time. I still can feel the dull ache in my heart thinking about what he had gone through! :'( Maybe it was a different time, when men were too proud to talk about their problems and hence NOBODY thought to ask or help.

In his illustrous career spanning 20+ years, he had acted and directed in 66 films, and written about 360 songs, and his works had come to define the golden era of Malay silver screen. I might never come to a place to fully appreciate what he has done, but I know without a doubt that he's truly a national icon.

kaulah satu satunya di antara berjuta, insan teristimewa

patah tak tumbuh lagi, hilang belum berganti, kerana kau tersendiri

kau kebanggaan kita, kau budayawan bangsa

engkau lagenda

you're one in a million, a unique individual

you're irreplacable because you are one of a kind

you're our pride, you're the nation's humanist

you are legend

sheila majid :: lagenda/legend

• i just finished season 2 of Suits. i love the show! mostly for the dresses that the corporate ladies wear. DROOL! i just lurve the glamorous side of the corporate world, the killer heels and sharp dresses and pencil skirts and It bags, sleek modern offices with glass walls and gorgeous view of the city skyline,  ruthless manipulative power players.. okay, strike the last one out. but yeah... :)

• caught up on the latest episodes of Modern Family, How I Met Your Mother and Elementary. thanks, unifi hahhahaha!

• i had to send my phone in for repair, and i have been living without a phone for close to a week now. i'm actually survived! okay, given that i had access to the internet at the office and at home, it wasn't really that bad. happily, i received a call from the service centre who said that my phone is on my way back to me, and that i should get it by Monday. whoopie!

• Life of Pi is opening next week. w00t! gonna be watching it as part of my birthday outing. w00t w00t! which reminds me, i need to finish the book. why is it taking me forever?

• have i mentioned that Lee Hom is coming back to Malaysia March next year? it would be at a smaller venue, up in Genting. was totally psych'ed about going until i got to know of the ticket prices. gosh, looks i have to starve myself for the next three months! grrr.. it's almost double the other performers okay. just who you think you are! T___T a top-notch superstar with crazy fangirls like you. yup.

whee! Glee!

i practically "worshiped" my lappie over the CNY break -- spent most of my awake time with eyes glued to its screen, watching movies (more on that later, probably), and Glee!



caught season 1 from episodes 7-13, and started all over from eps 1-6 cos i'd wanted to refresh my memory -- i watched eps 1-3 over video stream way back when i wasn't working -- that was what, October? wow, that's like 4 months ago. ack! anyways, i only streamed the first three episodes then -- gave up watching when the connection was too slow. i then got eps 4-6 from chongy, which was all she had then, to watch on my (somewhat new) comp lappie hehehe.. and last week with the long CNY hol coming up, i knew i had to stock up on something to keep me occupied (i used to read, but mm, not in the mood to these days :( ).. i was asking around, and there were some kind souls who offered but getting them were logistically difficult.. but thanks to lils (who i wondered if she wondered why i was so insistent in meeting up with her the few days before CNY.. haha..) she completed my (tv watching) life with the remaining eps (plus other movies)! thanks, babe! ^^

so, Glee. i would not use superlatives here to describe it -- it's just a(n intentionally-so-i-heard) stereotypical high school drama with lotsa songs ^^.. i.e. it's FUN!

anyways, my fav scene so far is the guys' mash-up - where they combined bon jovi's it's my life and usher's confession. i super lurrrve it! hehe.. the energy, the song combo, the other asian guy ;) (check out 1:21 in the vid below, isn't that like the coolest dance move!?!).. ^__^[yeah, i broke my earlier no-superlative rule.. but it's a well deserved mention.. hehehe..]

apology for the video (it's like watching from behind the mirror) but it's the best on youtube i cld find rite now. this song was on loop the whole of today. makes me wanna... grab a mic and sing out loud here in my cubie!! ^_^ karaoke wld be a safer and saner option. *excited*

[managed to rope zul fel n jazz to go K with me.. but when i called to make reservation for Mon night at Red Box Gardens -- this is after a longgg logistics discussion [cheers to gtalk group chat! i missed using this.. reminds me of my very fun Cyberjaya days..] -- they informed me that it would cost RM48++ per pax 0_o sorry ler, i got no $$ to spare this month :( sighhhh.. i really really wanna go..]

minor grievances abt the show aside, i'm proudly wearing my Gleek badge! ^__^w00t!



note: ep 13 is the mid-season finale (the remaining 9 eps will be available for illegal download soon as they are broadcasted. hahaha..)

p/s: CNY this year was so so hot. but NOT HOT ENOUGH to melt away my fats. arghh..