Had my first Skype interview last night. Not sure if this would lead any where, but it was an interesting experience. :)

Once a year around this time, I'll have to battle the decision on whether to move on from my job or not. And chatting to M (my ex-boss) just now kinda ignited the cycle again. She's always trying to convince me to leave for greener pasture by telling me how much my peers are earning. And srsly, those amounts are so huge, I can't even... but I just don't see myself being able to fill a bigger role, I'm not ambitious, I'm not a strategic thinker, I'm not leader material.. but I like that she thinks that I have it in me.

Sigh, just gonna be feeling restless and depressed until I come to a decision. I don't even want to begin thinking about what's next should I choose to leave. But maybe I'd fail at every interview and have to stay put by default.. and deal with my shattered self esteem. I just can't win this, can I??

Mm I told myself last year that I'd see the outcome of this year's performance appraisal before deciding, so that's what I'm going to do. I just hate to have to deal with the emotional bits of it right now.

: \

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. -Maya Angelou

I would like to think that I strive to do that... at least with the people I love and care about... sometimes. Argh, I started the day chirpy and high, but passing through a low phase now. Come and calm these raging seas.

Declined to explore a career opportunity today. Feels like it isn't time yet. Ranted about Miss Nomer (lol yes, still beating that dead horse, for fun) last night to a bunch of strangers. "One thing that got to me was I felt like she has derailed my career path". As soon as those words left my mouth, I realised that it was time to stop using that as an excuse. And one of them, a twice-failed start-up entrepreneur told me that I shouldn't let that past stop me from trying out. I already knew that but I really appreciated it. And to him I said, Third time will be a charm. Mark my words. *big smile* I truly believed that for him and hope that it'd encouraged him a little.



Medic - Come Close

Come close to me, let everything fall away
Take me now to secret places deep inside my heart
Come close to me, come and calm these raging seas
I'm feeling dry and weary but you said you're all i need

Love, do you believe in me?
I find it so hard to see you here, I find it so hard to see
You know, you know, you know
I've been circling round these creeping doubts
But i know that you can save me now
I know that you can save me

Time has got ahold of me, these bones are breaking but this heart will be
Hearing every promise made to me of what is yet to come
I'll break these ties belief is everything I recognize
To light the fire caught inside our eyes
We'll be the ones in time

fact: cats sleep an average of fifteen hours a day

 [via]

I didn't even get the chance to properly say goodbye to November. December is already 35-minute old as I write this. I'm so tired right now everything's a blur. And it's beyond my own understanding why I'm not curled up in bed, and that I'm here typing away instead. I guess it's my masochistic side teasing me, or that I'm reacting to my own plan of waking up at noon tmrw (whee) because I know I still could get at least 11 hours of sleep after this.

Anyway it's been a tiring month, one marked with extensive traveling (just checked the calendar and found that I have only been home two weeks in the past five)(wow)(whee), and being under the weather. I'm not going to complain about any of that, because in the end, I have enjoyed the days away, although I didn't realise my body is so weak. But no, not gonna complain. :)

I've been working on a book project at work, which aims to chronicle the company's birth and growth over the past five decades. One of the things that we have had to do was talking to people, in particular the company's pioneers, key management personnel and long-serving staff, so the past few months have been the most intense in term of human contact hours I've ever had in my life. I think I've probably met close to fifty people so far (and with each meeting lasting an average of 90 minutes (the longest was 4 hours, the shortest, 30minutes), that's like 4,500 mins (75 hours)(wow)(wow.) of getting people to opening up and thinking back to the good (and not so good) old days and talking and listening. So much talking (them) and so much listening (me) omg. Thank God I'm not writing the book (we've commissioned a writer) because I wouldn't know where to begin. And end.

Anyway, I brought this up because I got to meet a spectrum of people and their various perspectives on life. There were those who are going strong and active despite being advanced in years. Chatting with them has been inspiring and amazing. You feel like life has so much to offer, and that you would like to be up and about and all over even when your whole head's gray. And on the other hand, there were a few.. for a lack of a better term, zombies. Tired, cynical, stuck in a rut, counting the days to when they will punch the time card for the last time (figuratively speaking). And the whole time I was with them, I kept thinking how I don't want to end up like that! I'm not terribly ambitious, and I'm getting comfortable where I am.. but I just don't want to be that listless and dull as I grow older.

I won't right? Mm, right.

Anyway, Thanksgiving's just passed. Too bad we don't celebrate it here, but 'sokay, I'm still really thankful for everything I have. The tangible and felt but especially the unseen and uncountable. Okay, I should go. The hotel bed is calling my name.. and I can't wait to go home tomorrow. Last thought before I slip into unconsciousness for the next 660 minutes: if December would last 60 days, I'd appreciate it very much. Kthnxbai.

I am going to reject a job offer tomorrow. It's not easy walking away from a higher salary and bigger title and what appear to be a good boss to work for, but I strongly feel that I should not leave yet. There are a couple of projects that I'm working on that I would like to see to completion, and I want to see what else I could make of this job right now. Plus, I've gotten reeeeally comfortable here. Yes, I am trying very hard not to think about the what-ifs. I hope I won't be swayed to change my decision. I just pray that this is the right decision. That said, I don't think there's a right decision per se in situations like this, but argh. I should never have gone to the first meeting. And the second one. Tried to stop the third one from happening, but.. Maybe I shouldn't have been so awesome haha! Argh, where were you when I needed to leave! And bah, my lunch kaki told me today that she's also been offered a job, and it appears to be a good one too. She's still considering but it does look like she will be accepting it. That made me sad. Happy and sad. Mostly, sad for now. :(

perplexed.

My day didn't end too well yesterday. Something I have been hoping and praying for didn't happen, and I was pretty disappointed. And now I'm stuck with a decision that I had hoped I didn't have to consider: to stay or to go. Deep down I kinda know what I want to do, I just don't know if I'm willing to pay the price (lit. and fig.) or if it's going to be worthwhile. I am much perplexed. :(

Sorry, please don't mind me. Let's talk about something else that's been preoccupying me: I can't convincingly articulate my current obsession with Em(inem), and I'm still apprehensive to declare that I'm a fan (I realise that I'm doing it here, but this is my safe space).

I find myself all at once repulsed by and drawn to his persona, it's confusing, it's driving me up the wall. (Interestingly, I actually know someone whom I care for who kinda makes me feel like this, so while it's not an alien feeling, it still pretty much begs insight.)

What is it? How did that happen? What was the trigger? A passing comment? A random image? Repressed curiosity? I really don't remember what, but I kinda remember when, and the ensuing Googling frenzy. It's Leehomania all over again, no kidding, although it's to a lesser degree, only because I found his younger self to be callous and immature and I really don't like that so I don't really go around poking at his earlier years.  

And speaking of Leehom, I don't know how I ended up with another celeb crush (ergh did I just say that??)(I like the alliterative quality tho' =) who's at the other end of the spectrum: LH is spotless to a fault, and Em is as flawed as they come. Maybe it's a yin-yang *cough* thing.

Anyway, I think the years have done him some good (and frankly added nothing to his face -- this 40yo could pass off a decade younger!), especially when he decided to clean up, so I'm just going to stick around to see what he has next.

So what do I like about Em? I'm going to do a cop-out explanation here because Elton John (who performed with Em on the brilliantly written Stan at the 2001 Grammys) said it here better than I could:

He tells stories in such a powerful and distinctive way. As a lyricist, he's one of the best ever. Eminem does for his audience what Dylan did for his: He writes how he feels. His anger, vulnerability and humor come out. That's why we look forward to listening to Eminem's lyrics and finding out where the hell he's headed next.

Eminem lives, sleeps and breathes music — he's a bit like me in that respect. He's pretty much a recluse. I think he's enthralled with what he's doing; he's intimately involved with his art. There's a mystique about him.

Word.

Do I find the coarse language disturbing? Yeah, every F-bomb (even the bleeped out ones) still assaults and hits me with the same impact as the one before. I haven't decided what to make of that or how to manage it better. Can I justify his past behaviours, the things he's said, be they said under the influence or the effect of his upbringing or everything else thrown at him? I can't, so I kept doing this and it's eating at me, I'm tired:

...the ISFP [is] constantly gathering specific information and shifting it through their value systems, in search for clarification and underlying meaning.

For now I'm still cherry picking his songs (srsly, I don't think my heart could handle all his songs).. and there are a few that I kept going back to the past few days, this being one of it.

This is You're Never Over, written for his best friend Proof who was needlessly shot dead in a pub brawl seven years ago. To say that Em was devastated could be an understatement. It drove him further into the black hole of depression and pill addiction, before he managed to pull himself together and clean up, and he spent four whole years to find the right words and sound and beat to convey how he really felt about the loss. I think he did a superb job, because listening to this song has been such a visceral experience; I'm deeply moved every single time. What can I say, I'm a sucker for bromance.. :')

Update 26/9/13: I just want to add Em's thought about this song, transcribed from this interview.

Well, for me this is the most important song off the record, on the CD, because for the simple fact that everything that happened, it's a dedication to Proof. It's one of those records that I tried I had several attempts at making, it was like every attempt just wasn't good enough, you know it's one of those things.. I tried a bunch of records and it was just didn't work, it was like, this is not good enough, the rhyme's not crazy enough, the beat's not crazy enough, it was one of those things that when I finally got it, I felt like, thank you, thank you God for giving me the strength to be able to write this record, and make it feel like it doesn't.. you know, it's me singing in the chorus, and I'm certainly not a singer, but I think that as long as the emotions are there.. nah ** that, i'm a singer, i'm a ** singer.. It's one of those moments on the record when I feel like I finally did Proof some kinda justice by being able to put that together and just dump my heart on the record, and it was one of those things when it got to the end of the record I really didn't even care about making the rhyme crazy, I just wanted to say it.

safe and sound and secure

i just love this live version of Lee Hom's 2001 hit song 安全感 Sense of Security. the original version was rather subdue, but here, with the electric guitar and that bass... i just love it! [mm i generally like songs that sound like this] and it fanned that flame of fervent desire to see him live in concert.

speaking of the sense of security, God knows how terrified I am about that when it comes to my job. i've spoken about this many times before and like a broken record, here it is again: the period after i quit the bank in 2009 was the worst in my life, bar none. although it was only a short three months, it felt like three eternities. i remember waking up and having nowhere to go but to the next room to work on some of the part-time editing jobs i got. i still rber sitting in the dimly-lit room feeling hopeless and helpless and urgh. i don't rber going out much, because every time i drove out it would mean petrol money and i was conscious of every cent that i had (but i did go down to Spore once to leech off my sister hahaha)(and i got a lot of free meals from sympathizing souls -- thank you!). i didn't cry much about it if at all. but i was depressed.. but as i read my old blog entries from that time, i sounded way better than i rber feeling. heh.

i realised that i had attached a lot of my self-worth to having a job. i knew even then that i shouldn't but i did. and the echoes of miss nomer's esteem-busting words kept haunting me. for what it's worth, i can truly identify with people who lose their jobs, especially breadwinners.. it can be an emotionally-crippling time, no matter how supportive the people around you are.

i will always fondly remember how much i played owl city's songs back then. he was still unknown then so his music was freely available on his Facebook page. i must have heard vanilla twilight and saltwater room and dear vienna and fireflies a million times. his songs were like a buoy to my sinking spirit and drifting soul.. he's a really good boy ;)

i'm just forever and ever and ever thankful i pulled through that period. i didn't do it on my own strength because i had none.. it was the husband, the friends and family, and of course God my fortress and shield.

these are just snippets of what i remember from that time. it could have been different, for all i know.

anyways, three years down the road... job security still ranks high on my priority list. i wanna stay in this same job forever. it's comfy and it's convenient, and oh, they just gave me my parking card! but i think it's now or never. imma take a DEEEEEEP breath... and exhale... cos I'm not going to hold it while the next job takes its time to come along.

maybe i'm meant to stay, maybe i'm meant to go. i'm just happy that i'm not afraid anymore that if it happens to be the latter. :) thank you for keeping me in prayer. ;)



看着天　一边开车一边打哈欠
DJ 报时说　清晨六点　想到见你就不累
Oh 这些年　我还留着你的高跟鞋
也会嫉妒今天谁的吻　有落在你的唇边
looking at the sky, driving and yawning
the DJ says that dawn will be at six
the thought of seeing you took my fatigue away
all these years, i still kept your high-heeled shoes
and envy whoever that's planting a kiss on your lips today

Oh 亲爱的　你家的路怎会越开越远
Oh 天知道　怎么办　我们都失去了方向感
Oh 亲爱的　你是否也在等着那一天
心的距离　能缩短　找回遗失的安全感
[心的距离　能缩短　让我给你安全感]
dearest, why is the road leading back to your home getting further and further away
God knows why we have lost our sense of directions
dearest, are you also waiting for that day
for the distance between our hearts to be shortened
and for us to rediscover that lost sense of security
[allow me to give you the sense of security]

Oh 忘不了　曾经爱得那么的狂野
不管经过多少的错觉　爱情留下的余味　依然这么浓烈
亲爱的　你是否也在等着那一天
心的距离　能缩短　帮助我找回遗失的安全感
i cannot forget the passion we once shared
it doesn't matter how much mistaken feelings we have to overcome
for love leaves a strong aftertaste
dearest, are you also waiting for that day
for the distance between our hearts to be shortened
and for us to rediscover that lost sense of security


嫉妒 jídù - to be jealous / to envy / to hate
唇 chún - lip
缩短 suōduǎn - to curtail / to cut down




安全感

看着天　一边开车一边打哈欠
DJ 报时说　清晨六点　想到见你就不累
Oh 这些年　我还留着你的高跟鞋
也会嫉妒今天谁的吻　有落在你的唇边

Oh 亲爱的　你家的路怎会越开越远
Oh 天知道　怎么办　我们都失去了方向感
Oh 亲爱的　你是否也在等着那一天
心的距离　能缩短　找回遗失的安全感

Oh 忘不了　曾经爱得那么的狂野
不管经过多少的错觉　爱情留下的余味　依然这么浓烈
亲爱的　你是否也在等着那一天
心的距离　能缩短　帮助我找回遗失的安全感

Oh 亲爱的　你家的路怎会越开越远
Oh 天知道　怎么办我们都失去了方向感
Oh 亲爱的　你是否也在等着那一天
心的距离　能缩短　让我给你安全感
心的距离　能缩短　让我给你安全感

jas's dad texted her the other day, "U have a good day 2! EAT WELL, ok? We r wht we eat. Dun follow your heart 2 often as far as food is concerned. LUV :-)" and later "sometimes it's good 2 take measured risks n follow yr heart. Then jus say a little prayer... that makes life interesting! ha ha" which led me to LOL-ing because (1) it's the cutest thing ever; and (2) i felt like i have been following that advice all along. whether i really did, i don't know, but in my mind, i'd like to think so.

i used think that i was fearless, back when i was younger. whatever gave me that idea, i don't know. i seem to have the impression that there have been enough times when i took risks with implications bigger that i could grasp, be it in my studies, career, relationships.. maybe it's that lack of understanding coupled with my impatience that led me to plunging myself into the unknown. my head might noisily protest, but it's the heart that i'm partial to. but i'd like to think that my head wins enough battles too.

anyway, as i now contemplate a career move (something that i never planned to do just two weeks ago, how things can change so quickly!), i realize what a huge chicken i am. i don't know if it's fair to still blame my fears on miss nomer's crimes, but i do. because if i ever had another boss from hell, i will just die. like D-I-E. ok i won't. but i honestly rather rot here and stink this whole place up than having to face another nasty piece of work. i know how stupid that sounded, but ergh.. sigh.

anyway again, i've updated my CV, updated Linked In, clicked on Jobstreet ads, went for one interview, and now just sitting back and praying and praying and praying for what's next. and both my heart AND head are pounding. good for them.

hello city.

Got to go Hong Kong for work this time around, was very happy (thanks to the boss who made it happen ;) Everything about the trip was great, esp the food. Well, it'd better, esp when it goes into the thousands per meal. We'd some glorious roast goose daily, amd a banquet of other decadent dishes that are beyond me to name :)

Loved our lodging (chk out Lanson Place on Keswick Rd), even when it meant having to share room w the boss. Didn't mind the nightly late nights slogging away; Sept is our dont-even-think-of-breathing month, so yeah. Our HK office, despite its modest size, overlooks the harbour and an awesome view. Did I mention the food? *contented sigh*

No, I won't pay to go back to HK. It's beyond our means as budget tourists. But on the company's tab? Bring me back anytime! :)

This is the gorgeous view from my hotel room of a tiny lagoon with the South China Sea beyond it. Usually, I'd find some time to walk this beach at sunset coz it's just one of the most amazing sights ever. And at night, I'd just sit at the balcony and listen to the waves or bring my laptop out and catch some movies. I'd stay til I couldn't stand the humid night.

But this time, this time I hardly the time to even peek out my windows. Was so occupied with work work and more work from even on the flight there til way past midnight til the minute we were to rush for the airport for the flight home. Phewww!

Snapped this in the morning just before I left the room. It was a beautiful day :)

I just came back from a very short business trip to Miri, where my company is based. It's been a while since I was there. My absolute least favorite thing about any trip is the UNPACKING once I got home. URGH. *looks forlornly at my luggage*