of thoughts and things.

I'll admit it, it still smarts thinking of this, that it did not happen, or rather, did not last. One of the hardest emotions to process is that of being betrayed, even knowing that it was fake and scripted all along. Go figure.

I learned the term OTP (or One True Pairing) in the past few days of Tumbling. And Swarkles (a portmanteau of their nicknames in the show - Barney's Swarley (I kinda forget how he got it but everyone called him that and he hated it) and Robin's alter ego, the Canadian teenage idol Robin Sparkles) are my OTP. Just look at how good they look together! *drools* 

Also the reason I keep talking about it is because it's the easiest thing to write about. No need to think, just feel. And there is so much feels. Heh. I just wonder if my obsession with some things (TV series) and people (JF, LH, Em etc) even food (potatoes?) is symptomatic of something else in my life. Hmm.

Anyway, I was in the forest earlier this week. Zero internet connectivity but I wanted to write, and I did, so err, am just gonna dump the whole load here.

Tuesday 8-Apr-2014
I am in the forest, five hours’ drive into its heart, far far away from the city. I just finished watching one of the most hedonistic and depraved movies of recent times, Martin Scorsese’s The Wolf of Wall Street, and I’m feeling a little sick from all the debauchery -- Leonardo DiCaprio however, was awesome and believable in his role as usual. I decided to turn in, and read to sleep.

That I should be holding a book in my hand, snug in a double bed, with the wilderness that stretches for hours at all directions around me outside... I suddenly feel a wave of gratitude is washing over me. I remember the sunset from this evening, and I remembered the sunrise from months ago during my previous time here. They were precious moments to be savoured, and I look forward to tomorrow’s… although I am doubting that I would see it, knowing my sleeping and waking pattern. Still, being here, miles away from almost everyone I know, is amazing, unglamorous as it is.

A quick conversation with my colleagues just now that touched on career ambitions came to mind, and once again, I ponder at my lack of one. I don’t foresee myself much further from where I am today on the day I retire. Of course I would love to be earning a higher steady income, but I am not very driven to pursue that. I should live with that right, but it doesn’t help that once in a while I feel so envious of my friends making it in Singapore, Australia, the US, Norway, even in Malaysia, and here I am, wearing my deer-in-headlights look, asking all the wrong questions.

Back in the civilised society I left just 12 hours ago, I’ve been watching tonnes of Jimmy Fallon these days. I usually only watch snippets on talk shows on Youtube when something interesting links me from, say Facebook, but I find myself subscribing to his Tonight Show’s videos and just drawn in to clicking one after another of his older clips from his Late Night stint. I love Fallon’s stuff, especially the musical things he does with his bff Justin Timberlake, and his house band, The Roots, and all the silly games he plays with his guests, he’s very talented and relatable, and I especially love him fanboying over people and music – his giggles and suppressed excitement are infectious!

Fallon-ing aside, I’ve also been Neil Patrick Harris-ing and Benedict Cumberbatch-ing and Dan Harmon-ing (and of course HIMYM-ing!), and ok, my point is, I’m thinking, all these people I’ve named in this post, they are not very much older (or younger) than me, and look at where they are! Standing on the world’s stage basking in its limelight, glowing flawlessly and grappling with pressures I am unfamiliar with. And again, here I am, feeling guilty wanting to be contented with a very ordinary and unremarkable life.

Today, I visited one of my company’s veneer mills, and like my trip to our flooring factory in China, I saw all these workers in their bright uniforms going about their assigned tasks working 12 hours a day and six days a week, doing the same thing over and over and over again, and it makes me feel weird. I kept thinking, I was probably just one birth away from being in their shoes, born to an impoverished family struggling to survive and having to leave everything and everyone I know for a place so foreign and scary for a job that pays me minimum wages and that’s nothing but repetitive day in and day out, year in and year out, remaining nameless and faceless for most part…

Honestly, I feel guilty thinking that I’ve escaped that fate. What reason is there that I have a better life, especially when I don't do anything with it? I struggle to understand how each of us has a purpose for living, and while I believe that I have one, I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what’s mine, and it bugs me greatly. I know that I’m trying with my extremely human understanding doing something very futile. And this futility, it’s demotivating me.

Over and over again, I ask what is the meaning of anything. Is anything worth it? Is everything in vain? With the years flying by, why bother with anything? It will be over soon, wouldn’t it? I don’t expect God to answer these questions I’ve been asking forever, and his silence is discouraging and disheartening. Suddenly I feel as if I know nothing and understand nothing and see nothing and hear nothing and feel… nothing. I am scared.

This isn’t how I envisioned being lost in God mean when I sing that line. I’m moved by testimonies of God’s greatness, but I am well aware for every victory, there are ten stories of pains and brokenness that never get shared. I don’t know what I’m asking for but I want to be found in that.

Wednesday 9-Apr-2014
I miss the city a little, and dream of getting lost in one. New York, New York. Tokyo, London, Hong Kong and Paris. Moscow, Melbourne, Milan, Madrid… and Miri.

Everyone’s somewhere, and I’m here. The sky is clear tonight, and the stars scatter across the black canvas. It’s a beautiful sight on a quiet night; not total silence as in the background is myriad of unfamiliar sounds made by the crickets and creatures of the forest. I held my phone up and clicked on the Google SkyMap app and checked out the stars and constellations, most of which hold little meaning to me. And I imagine myself lying on the grounds at Joshua Tree with my best friends on such a night, and smiled knowing how glorious that would be.

Anyway, I finally finished watching The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Emma Watson is so beautiful, and I love every scene of her. I liked this movie. Looks like I’m in a rare mood for watching drama, this being the third in a row in as many days; the first being The Book Thief which I caught on the flight to Miri.

Speaking of dramatic movies, on my way in, a song played on the radio (Any Empty Wine Bottles For Sale 酒矸倘賣無) from the 1983 movie Papa, Can You Hear Me Sing 搭錯車 (wow, the full movie's here on Youtube! I wuv how the interwebz always amazes me =). I haven't heard the song in a while, and I haven't seen the movie since I last watched in back in the mid-80s. All I remember was that it was a pretty depressing movie about a man and his daughter. Reading the wiki page failed to jolt any further memory but the sentiment remains.

Did you know that I've lived through five decades - born in the 70s, lived through my childhood in the 80s and teenage years in the 90s, then early adulthood in the naughties, and now reaching my midlife point in the 2010's. I feel like these five decades was like the HIMYM finale, everything in the past billion years was trudging along and then bam!, everything just accelerated. I suppose the finale would be Jesus coming back again :)

This just came up on my phone's Bible app. Food for thought.

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2 (NIV)