[case in point, a snippet of my conversation with chongy a few days ago..
her: you've climbed mount kk before?!
me: i thought you knew that! yeah i did it when i was much younger la.. mm about 4 years ago, yeah in 2006. i was 26-year-old & in a much better shape then.
her: what? 4 years ago you were 28 la! still think you are 30 is it?!
me (performed furious calculations in my head): yeaahhhh :( ]
chatted w jazz recently of this being in our 30s thing and i think i remarked how it isn't as bad as i thought it would be. looking back, we kinda agreed that the stuff our 20s were made of emotional turbulence, maddening uncertainties, stupid mistakes, questionable decisions, frantic identity search, dismantled relationships, and unanswered questions. stuff like that (notice i tend to use 'stuff' a lot when i don't know what i'm saying :P).
while those things didn't magically go away in my 30s (yeah i wish but nooo, they hang on to you like a buncha stubborn barnacles), there was the growing up and a kind of stability that come with age. the folly that was my 20s has humbled me some and taught me much. i have changed, i have been molded. for what it's worth, i think i love God more. and i may love people more. i probably love myself enough already :P i don't expect to sail through life, and while i'm not one to delight in difficulties, hardship or persecution, i want to be made strong in my weakness. i don't want to be like the weed swaying in the wind, a headless chicken running through the streets.
i have an aspired ideal but still, i am still rather restlessly searching and wandering and waiting, and hoping that whatever i'm searching would look me up instead. watching your peers saving//conquering the world can be unnerving if not disheartening, but then again, meh to each our own. this race i am to run, there's no "reaching" in it, it just seems to be going [somewhere], going [nowhere] or going [there]. reaching is, well, the end of the journey, where the prize is given out. in a sobering moment amidst the 'merriment', i just found out that a friend of mine has lost her 8-month-old baby to a hereditary illness just a few hours ago. my heart goes out to them.. sigh :'(
mm, happy birthday to me. :|
...
ok, maybe i shouldn't end on such a dour note. i'm actually happy. not bubbling over, but yeah, happy. God has been good to me. he has dealt with me quite a bit this year, and while being disciplined makes me defensive and unreasonable sometimes, i have accepted it as necessary. ye ol' character building, as calvin's dad might say. :) i have been much blessed, and i want to give more of myself, i want to say 'yeah i'm running as to get the prize'.
i echo st francis's prayer, in that:
Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is discord, pardon.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is error, truth.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is sadness, joy.
Where there is darkness, light.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled, as to console.
To be understood, as to understand.
To be loved, as to love.
For it is in giving, that we receive.
It is in pardoning, that we are pardoned.
It is in dying, that we are born to eternal life.
so, here's to emotional maturity, better self control, never repeating mistakes, wiser decisions, being comfortable in our own skins, healed relationships, and more unanswered questions til kingdom come. cheers! ;)
...
derek webb, one of my fav artists, has just released his latest album titled 'feedback', an "instrumental electronic worship album, based on the Lord's Prayer". it's superb, as expected. :) chk out this short, set to one of the songs from the album, give us this day our daily bread. Like! :)
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