perplexed.

My day didn't end too well yesterday. Something I have been hoping and praying for didn't happen, and I was pretty disappointed. And now I'm stuck with a decision that I had hoped I didn't have to consider: to stay or to go. Deep down I kinda know what I want to do, I just don't know if I'm willing to pay the price (lit. and fig.) or if it's going to be worthwhile. I am much perplexed. :(

Sorry, please don't mind me. Let's talk about something else that's been preoccupying me: I can't convincingly articulate my current obsession with Em(inem), and I'm still apprehensive to declare that I'm a fan (I realise that I'm doing it here, but this is my safe space).

I find myself all at once repulsed by and drawn to his persona, it's confusing, it's driving me up the wall. (Interestingly, I actually know someone whom I care for who kinda makes me feel like this, so while it's not an alien feeling, it still pretty much begs insight.)

What is it? How did that happen? What was the trigger? A passing comment? A random image? Repressed curiosity? I really don't remember what, but I kinda remember when, and the ensuing Googling frenzy. It's Leehomania all over again, no kidding, although it's to a lesser degree, only because I found his younger self to be callous and immature and I really don't like that so I don't really go around poking at his earlier years.  

And speaking of Leehom, I don't know how I ended up with another celeb crush (ergh did I just say that??)(I like the alliterative quality tho' =) who's at the other end of the spectrum: LH is spotless to a fault, and Em is as flawed as they come. Maybe it's a yin-yang *cough* thing.

Anyway, I think the years have done him some good (and frankly added nothing to his face -- this 40yo could pass off a decade younger!), especially when he decided to clean up, so I'm just going to stick around to see what he has next.

So what do I like about Em? I'm going to do a cop-out explanation here because Elton John (who performed with Em on the brilliantly written Stan at the 2001 Grammys) said it here better than I could:

He tells stories in such a powerful and distinctive way. As a lyricist, he's one of the best ever. Eminem does for his audience what Dylan did for his: He writes how he feels. His anger, vulnerability and humor come out. That's why we look forward to listening to Eminem's lyrics and finding out where the hell he's headed next.

Eminem lives, sleeps and breathes music — he's a bit like me in that respect. He's pretty much a recluse. I think he's enthralled with what he's doing; he's intimately involved with his art. There's a mystique about him.

Word.

Do I find the coarse language disturbing? Yeah, every F-bomb (even the bleeped out ones) still assaults and hits me with the same impact as the one before. I haven't decided what to make of that or how to manage it better. Can I justify his past behaviours, the things he's said, be they said under the influence or the effect of his upbringing or everything else thrown at him? I can't, so I kept doing this and it's eating at me, I'm tired:

...the ISFP [is] constantly gathering specific information and shifting it through their value systems, in search for clarification and underlying meaning.

For now I'm still cherry picking his songs (srsly, I don't think my heart could handle all his songs).. and there are a few that I kept going back to the past few days, this being one of it.

This is You're Never Over, written for his best friend Proof who was needlessly shot dead in a pub brawl seven years ago. To say that Em was devastated could be an understatement. It drove him further into the black hole of depression and pill addiction, before he managed to pull himself together and clean up, and he spent four whole years to find the right words and sound and beat to convey how he really felt about the loss. I think he did a superb job, because listening to this song has been such a visceral experience; I'm deeply moved every single time. What can I say, I'm a sucker for bromance.. :')

Update 26/9/13: I just want to add Em's thought about this song, transcribed from this interview.

Well, for me this is the most important song off the record, on the CD, because for the simple fact that everything that happened, it's a dedication to Proof. It's one of those records that I tried I had several attempts at making, it was like every attempt just wasn't good enough, you know it's one of those things.. I tried a bunch of records and it was just didn't work, it was like, this is not good enough, the rhyme's not crazy enough, the beat's not crazy enough, it was one of those things that when I finally got it, I felt like, thank you, thank you God for giving me the strength to be able to write this record, and make it feel like it doesn't.. you know, it's me singing in the chorus, and I'm certainly not a singer, but I think that as long as the emotions are there.. nah ** that, i'm a singer, i'm a ** singer.. It's one of those moments on the record when I feel like I finally did Proof some kinda justice by being able to put that together and just dump my heart on the record, and it was one of those things when it got to the end of the record I really didn't even care about making the rhyme crazy, I just wanted to say it.