unhinged.

I rolled the blinds up and scanned the cityscape from my usual vantage point. The edge of the city was in plain view, a sea of blue and grey, bathing in the afterglow of dusk. That soon gave way to darkness, but not completely; orange lights like polka dots illuminated the canvas. The city seemed quiet from where I was: comfortably encased in my room. I put David Crowder on, one song in particular and set it on repeat, a familiar and comforting tune. I heard a knock. It's 'em age-old unanswered questions at the door. Here we go again.

Take my heart, I lay it down at the feet of you who's crowned

Take my life, I'm letting go, I lift it up to You who's throned

I tensed up when I became conscious again of the different nameless tensions that I was supposed to hold in balance, knowing that I was merely a nerve tic away from letting something slip. A cloud of uncertainty hovered over me. A slight sense of anxiety took a seat on my left, I shifted uncomfortably. Then a tinge of sadness sat down on my right and took my hand; a reminder of the realities of life.. and that I was alive. I know that I'm privileged to afford these thoughts, but it is one luxury I could probably do without.

Take my fret, take my fear, all I have, I'm leaving here

Be all my hopes, be all my dreams, be all my delights, be my everything

I thought of the two TED Talks I watched last night: one of Elon Musk, scientist, inventor, explorer, dreamer extraordinaire, Tony Stark in the flesh, and I was awe-struck by his vision and articulation; and then I watched Hyeonseo Lee who struggled to explain in heavily-accented English (her third language after Korean and Chinese) how she escaped the horror that is North Korea and her subsequent effort in extracting her family. Two figures who couldn't be more different in every way, sharing on the same stage stories that inspire and ignite something in us. And I thought of the circumstances of their birth, their adolescence and adulthood, and asked God why.

Then I thought about the people I read in the news recently who had died senseless deaths. I thought about the people I read about elsewhere: Facebook, Quora, Wikipedia, Weibo, all of us who lead different lives that happened to converge on social media. I thought of the person whose psyche I've been trying to grasp, through his works and his words. I thought about a person who has been out of my mind a long time. I thought about my close friends who are halfway across the world. And the one who's in the same city. I thought about my parents and my siblings. I thought about my husband and about us. And I thought about me. And my mind took flight on a moon-bound rocket ship.

And it's just You and me here now, only You and me here now

You should see the view when it's only You

Open my eyes to see You in the bigger picture, to see You in our midst, to see that You know and care, to see how this is the way it's supposed to be, to see what it would be. Open my ears to listen to Your word when You speak, to listen to unspoken words, to listen to Your heart beat. Open my mind to grasp the all-encompassing knowledge of God, and to apply that in life, to love and kindness. Guide me in Your way everlasting, and let me understand what that means in practical terms.