polarity.

As I laid on the floor of my living hall, feeling the coolness of the terrazzo on my back, bopping my head and tapping my feet to Em's latest single Berzerk, I chuckled as I thought about how my 35-year-old capricious self would even begin to explain this current craze to my 25-yo austere self. The latter would definitely freak out knowing that I could be so enamored by such a controversial and polarizing figure, or that I would subject myself to such profanity over and over. Oh the horror.

How do I explain being able to overlook all the vulgarities, the irreverence, the pugnacity, all the things that I was (am) against and could not stand, to say that I actually get a kick out of this? How do I explain that I perceive something more... substantial, perhaps more meaningful, than what the surface suggests when I can't even conceptualize it? How do I explain that this is okay and no one needs to worry when I'm not sure? How do I justify this turnabout? Did I lose my way, or did I find myself? How does this fit in with my faith and where is God in this? Am I ignorantly or willingly defying some social or religious precepts? What kind of limits am I testing? Why is it that I'm not able to brush away the guilty feeling from breathing down my neck, and yet have the confidence that I'll be vindicated? Foolish pride or defiant hope?

If anything, I owe myself an explanation. And I'm working on it. My internal system has been slogging and chugging away like an over-wound steampunk engine the past two weeks, collecting and compiling every relevant bit of data, scrambling to run them by my values and belief; aggressively debating, attacking and defending all sides. I'm left feeling so consumed, so drained, and yet so thrilled and so gratified, but ultimately, still without an answer. I must say that I'm quite adept at driving myself up the walls.

Well, there must be an explanation. I don't know who or what or where you are, I will track you and I will find you and I will look you in the eyes and you'll tell me why. Or... I'll just wait till this blows over and something else takes his place and promptly forget about this.