somewhat sille, that's me!

Hmm.

In the past two days, I came to hear from different people some not so nice things said about two people I was really close with at different points in my past, but we are now more like acquaintances, strangers even.

And I felt sad, because I don't know why they did what they did, and also because I believe those things are not totally out of their characters. Maybe they have their own views on those matters and reasons for their behaviors, but... I can't say I wasn't disappointed. Sounds judgy right? Sigh.. Were they always like that? Maybe I was more forgiving of their flaws when we were closer, or maybe they have changed, or maybe... It's been a long time. And I remember them from when life wasn't so complicated. When all we had to worry about was finishing school homework or whether we registered in time for a particular course that semester. Not when friendships come to a crashing end due to misunderstanding or drift away as we head different directions in life. I sometimes do miss friends I've lost to time and circumstances, and I wonder if they think about me sometimes -- if they do, hopefully it's with fondness and not with grudge lol. :(

Mm, I wonder what other people are saying about me.. I've definitely done things that warranted a raised eyebrow or two. I would still cringe when I remember some of those deeds where I could have chosen to be the bigger person, a more gracious person, a more humble person, but didn't. *oh god why* I was (and am) naive and proud and oblivious, the three main ingredients to brew the perfect storm. Bleh. To anyone I've unknowingly or intentionally hurt, I'm sorry. I'll say that to you F2F if I could, so this is my err.. rain check.

And speaking of the past, goodness gracious, last night I was happily digging into my favorite fish head noodle at my usual joint by myself, when whose face shall I see from the table next to mine but that of Miss Nomer (evil ex-boss with a name that doesn't suit her personality) O_O I might have stopped breathing for a few seconds there. Thank God she wasn't looking my way, so I quickly looked down to my lap (if ducking under the table was an option, I just might have), grabbed my phone and texted the girls for emotional support. I didn't dare to move for a while as I was sitting in a way that our eyes would definitely meet if I just sat upright.

I actually thought she saw me, so I was hoping she didn't remember me. Last thing I need was her coming over to say Hi. J asked if I was sure that it was her, but I didn't dare to avert my eyes her direction to confirm. I did however curi-curi snapped a blur photo of her. She was sitting with her husband and they were at the end of their meal. When they left, I looked up as she was walking away. The gait was unmistakably hers. I was relieved.. but on the whole 15 minutes drive home, I was reliving the nightmare that was her. It was more emotionally charged than usual, but I calmed down somewhat by the time I got home.

The thing is, I have long stopped hating her, and even recently ceased to hold her accountable for what I don't dare to do career-wise, but seeing her in the flesh for the first time since July 2009, it was truly unnerving. And at my favorite restaurant at that! *takes another deep breath* I had allllways played out the scenarios of what I would say or how I would react should this moment ever happen. I never come to any conclusion because even in my head I was trying to avoid/shun her. Bleh, I don't know la. J suggested I either kick her in the shins, or bless her. Can I opt for (C) God, please don't ever, ever let our paths cross again. EVER. Please? I suck right? Haha!

Anyway, sad and scary stuff aside, I will be going on a road trip with the girls tomorrow, and we are all very, very, very excited about it. J and I are driving up to Penang to meet S who's been there for a couple of months now on some artsy assignment, and she's finishing this weekend. So this is a makan plus homecoming entourage trip. Wholesome Threesome: Penang edition yo! :D

Btw, discovered this song by local singer Ali Aiman via A, and I absolutely love it. It deserves to go big, and I hope it does. Its mood befits mine right now. Happy long weekend for me! :D Xoxo.