happy eleven, hubby!

So we're in Taiwan as our steely 11th anniversary rolls around! Nope, don't think we'll be sharing a romantic dinner tonight... because my parents are here, together with five of their friends (two couples and one auntie), and also my aunt, and we'd have met up with my bro and sis-in-law and her parents mid-trip. O_O So yeah. Huge gang. I hope I'm coping well. : \

Anyway, this post is for my hubby who would never read this.. or my blog for that matter. And I'm more than fine about that. No, I wouldn't send a link to him. Yes, I'm strange, and he's not curious, so we're perfect for each other. Haha! We're total opposites but I think that's the reason why God put us together.. so that we could complete each other.. while annoying the heck out of each other haha! Ah, so much LOVE.. ;) Me doth think that the husby is rily teh awesomest! ^_^

Btw I'm lovin' this song fr JT who wrote it for his gorgeous wife Jessica Biel and was inspired by her and also his grandparents' six decade-long marriage. Aww! He's said that, 'One of the most valuable things in a relationship is being able to constantly change and be individual, but look to the other side to the person that you're with and know that they're changing as well individually, but somehow you two can mirror each other and be the other half of that world that you both create.' Yup. I just think that it's such a well-produced track and although it runs for 8 minutes, it doesn't feel like it. Wish it wasn't so difficult to sing along to though, my timing is all messed up and I feel so rusty bleh. But that's what traffic jam is for: car-aoke! :)

'cause with your hand in my hand and a pocket full of soul
I can tell you there's no place we couldn't go
just put your hand on the glass
I'll be tryin' to pull you through
you just gotta be strong

'cause I don't wanna lose you now, I'm lookin' right at the other half of me
the vacancy that sat in my heart is a space and now you're home
show me how to fight for now and I'll tell you, baby
it was easy comin' back into you once I figured it out
you were right here all along

it's like you're my mirror, my mirror staring back at me
I couldn't get any bigger with anyone else beside of me
and now it's clear as this promise that we're making two reflections into one
'cause it's like you're my mirror
my mirror staring back at me, staring back at me

justin timberlake :: mirrors

Read last year's anniversary post here.
Mm nothing from 2011 :P
This is from 2010.

packing order.

I dread packing for trips and I always do it last minute, and the minute would stretch into hours. But I guess the reward justifies the "pain" lol! But really, the more important decisions when going on vacay are which books to bring and what music to listen to, right? Right. :D

So I've narrowed my selection of books to three, one a biography of Indian-born, Canadian-American renown Christian apologist Ravi Zacharias, another a collection of articles that previously appeared in The New Yorker by English-Canadian author Malcolm Gladwell, and one mystery novel by British author Dorothy Sayers written in 1931. A pretty awesome mix there I'd say, from gender and genre to the authors' nationalities to even how I got hold of each book (J lent me RZ's book which incidentally went with her to Geneva last month, I'd say that this book is better traveled that I am!; I found MG's book at the bottom of my shelf with no recollection of having bought or borrowed it from anyone; and DS's book was from a book sale). These should keep me pretty occupied during the long transit.

So I've sync-ed my song playlist, and for the first time in my life, I'm going all out with stuff I've never heard before and some I'd never thought I would. This is a departure from my usual preference to go with something I've listened to a million times from the usual suspects (like how I listened to Leehom in my entire Melbourne trip). This time, I just want to break away from that habit, and I'll admit it's kinda unsettling but boo hoo. Every song is new (to me) and I've never known any one of them just a month ago.. and like my books, they cover quite a range, from Instrumental and Jazz to Pop, Rock, Soul and Rap (of course ;), and I have songs from the 70s, 90s, noughties, 2010's all the way up to some singles released not a month ago... I randomly downloaded some albums from the awesome free music site Noisetrade, and the rest from you-know-where-haha after reading music articles over the past couple of weeks. And while I'll tell you about every book I have or will read, I am pretty coy in sharing my playlist -- just chalk that up to another quirk of mine :D

So I've stuffed all my clothes and shoes and toiletries and lingerie and cosmetics and electronics in my new giant fuchsia luggage, and in my tote bag, I've got a book and iPod and passport and neck pillow and mint and cardigan and cash. I've got an awesome ten days ahead of me in an island not too far away, where I hope I'd bump into Leehom (who is in NY now, but 10 days is a long enough time for me to hope that he'd back to Tpe haha) and where I know my hubby is waiting for me, so..................

Taiwan, here I come again! :)

self.

It's a rainy evening on a Friday, which means traffic will be slow. And since I have nowhere to be, I don't need to leave the office now and join in the madness. There are a couple of posts I had wanted to put up, but I don't feel like it because I suddenly found them to be too self-centric. I mean, all my posts are self-centric, but hmm.. Instead, I'm blog-plugging from one of my favorite bloggers on the subject of... self. Haha oh the irony! Here's a chunk from what he's written:

One of the things I've learned from writers like James Alison, a theologian deeply informed by Rene Girard, is how rivalry is intimately associated with our self-concept. Specifically, most of us create, build up and maintain our self-esteem through rivalry with others. Our sense of self-worth is created and supported by some contrast and opposition to others. I am a self in that I am over and against others. Better. Smarter. More righteous. More successful. More authentic. More humane. Less hoodwinked. More tolerant. More insightful. More kind. More something.

In short, selfhood is inherently rivalrous. Rivalry creates the self. Rivalry is the fuel of self-esteem and self-worth.

Which means that the self is inherently violent. The definition of the self is an act of aggression and violence. To be "Richard Beck" is to engage in violence against others, if not physically than affectionally. From sunrise to sunset every thought I have about myself is implicated in acts of comparison, judgement, and evaluation of others, allowing me to create a sense of self and then fill that self with feelings of significance and worthiness.

And this also applies to those with low self-worth, those who define themselves negatively in comparison with others. The violence here is simply internalized, directed toward the self rather than toward others. But at the end of the day it's the same mechanism, you are either winning or losing the rivalry, having either high or low self-esteem, but in either case the self is still being defined by violence.

Things like blogging, given its nature, can bring these rivalrous feelings to the surface making them more transparent (if you are self-reflective). But it's just a symptom of a deeper sickness, that the self in inherently rivalrous and that self-esteem is a feeling of significance achieved over against others.

We feel good about ourselves by stepping on the heads of others, physically or psychologically.

In fact, this may be the best definition of "original sin": Being a self makes you a violent person.

...

How do you become a non-violent, non-rivalrous human being and person?

I think the self has to die. That's what the bible seems to think. There must be a letting go, a surrendering, an emptying of the self. All efforts to define the self by acts of justification, the accumulation of evidence and data that the self is significant, have to be renounced.

Phrased positively, the self must be experiencing as gift, as an experience of gratuitous and surprising grace.

Only there, in the midst of grace, can the neurotic knot at the root of our violence be loosened and undone.

I don't mean to sound stupid, but what did he mean? How do I do that? Mm, in the comments section, he wrote, "Like I noted in the post, I keep trying to put gratitude out in front of me. Keep blogging (or working or creating) for the joy of it. If we can keep joy in front of us I think we'd all be much happier and healthier, in any endeavor." That makes sense. Be grateful. Don't think so much about myself. Easier said than done.

41!

will anything I'm doing now matter in..

a month? three? seven?
a year? two? eleven?
twenty-five when I retire?
thirty-five when I expire?

guilty pleasures.

I stumbled upon something Jon Foreman wrote back in 2010 which was tongue-in-cheek but hit the nail right on the head on the subject. In his article for Huff Post, Outside the Fences, he started off with:

Guilty Pleasures: the phrase alone implies a form of aesthetic righteousness. Your personal preferences (unique and subjective by definition), are kept in line by a higher standard of objective good (as defined by the community). The experts have agreed upon art that is right and superior. [..] Your joy is shameful; your pleasures are guilty. Scandalous even. [..] You have succumbed to your tasteless tastes: this is contraband art.

I suppose we feel the heat because in the court of "discerning" hoi polloi, we have been found guilty of liking something that's perceived as unsophisticated, uncultured or even crude. In fact, I'm not a defendant here, for I too have a seat on the judicial panel and I have my own standards of what's good and praiseworthy and what's not, and I exert the highest expectations on myself and sometimes others to adhere to and uphold those benchmarks and principles. And that, while being somewhat true (it's an ISFP trait), is also basically a bunch of bollocks. For who among us has not find joy reveling in some sort of lowbrow fun, be it smutty novels or questionable fashion choices or eyebrow-raising music taste? Hello!

Yesterday, J told me she was listening songs from That That, a defunct 90s English pop boy band, and she was "smiling [and] laughing like an idiot, thinking back on my adolescent craze" and having "goosebumps from the CHEESINNESSSSS", but how she "pored over them, every cassette tape, poster, magazine, video tape.. their voices not even good! except for Robbie Williams". Lol, what a load of cheese AND corn we use to consume right?

He looked exactly like this 20 years ago.

So last night I was inspired by that to look up my first celeb crush who inspired me to pick up Mandarin: Jimmy Lin. I tended to avoid talking about him for the longest time because I felt my joy was "shameful" as per Jon's words, but it's been 20 years, we've all moved on. Man, 20 years! And the dude looked like he hasn't aged a day! Haha, the same goes to LH and Em and everyone who hit jackpot with their gene pool. 

Anyway, I searched YouTube for the first song I knew from him: 今年夏天 (lit. This Year's Summer) from his sophomore album which launched his singing career, Summer of '92. I don't remember how I knew of him, but I remember going to the music shop and buying the cassette. It might have been one of the first albums, if not the first, I owned. I'd just became a teenager and he was this super cute 17 years old 陽光男孩 (lit. sunshine boy) and I developed the hugest crush for him lol!

And yes, the songs were cheesy and the lines so corny and the tunes so sappy and the feel so 90s and his voice could use more lessons, but the flood of nostalgia swept me away back to my awkward pimply-faced years like no time machine could. I'm amazed I could still sing along to some of the songs. Being a lyrics person that I was and still am, it bugged me back then that I didn't know what I was singing. So I painstakingly copied every word from the lyrics sleeve and approached my mom many times over for its meaning and how to read it. I didn't dare to show her the source of those words because I knew she wouldn't approve (not because of who it was, but because a cassette would have been deemed a frivolous purchase and my parents frown upon such).

It was tiresome at first because I didn't know most of the words, which meant I would have probably written down most if not all of the lyrics, but copying each character really helped in catching and recognizing it. I suppose by his third or fourth album, I didn't have to go to my mom that frequently, but I think it was around the first or second album when she asked me, "Where are these words from? Did someone send you a love letter??" LOL! I was incredulous at first because it never crossed my mind that it could appear as such, but really, it was word after word from sappy love songs.... can't fault her for her 1+1. She must be relieved to know that I was just learning to read words to sing along. Hehe!

This is an old pic, but cld pass off as current.

I also remember having a lyrics book where I'd translate all his songs into pinyin so that it's easier for me to sing along. That book was my pride. It also helped that he released one to two albums a year to remain relevant so there was always something new to look forward to (many pop artists still do, which erm, kinda say something about the quality of the songs/production *cough*). And then there were the magazines and posters and photos... we had no YouTube, no celeb gossip websites, no instant access to the latest news, and I had no English content to pour over, but these are mere bumps to a determined fan in her track. I also had a ring file of all the articles from magazines and newspapers I could get my hand on (they were all in Chinese) to keep up with everything Jimmy.

So yeah, that was my foray into fangirling, and it was really quite a thrilling ride. After a few years, he went into Taiwan's compulsory military training for its youth and was out of the media spotlight for a couple of years which was long enough for wean me myself off him. I never got back on the ride after he made a comeback, but I don't think anyone took his place in terms of having me pour in the kind of energy and time, until Leehom came along last year when I was reigniting my desire to learn Chinese. Interestingly, Leehom started his entertainment career only about 3-4 years after Jimmy, but I only took notice of him some 17 years later. I guess I'm not an early adopter. Haha!

Mm, Leehomania has died down quite a bit now that Em's in the picture, but I did learn a number of new Chinese characters over the course of 18 months (thereabout) so it was time well-spent. Well, with Leehom's new album underway, I suppose there's still room to absorb more. And if you're wondering if Em's influenced me in any way, he did, for my writing.. you may or may not have noticed that my recent posts are lengthier, where I also try to inject more assonance into my prose.

The answer is yes, as in yes it would kill him to smile. 

Speaking of Leehom, I'm building up really high expectations for his upcoming album and I'm worried I'm setting myself up for disappointment. It's his first album after he went independent of Sony, his previous label for the longest time, which means he has full control of the kinda songs he wants to put out. I could only hope that means fresh and new sounds, and fewer corny ballads (I know he still needs to have those to satiate market demand, but please Leehom, please let them be good). And I don't know if this is asking for too much, I hope the lyrical content of the album are also of a higher standard and covers a broader perspective of life than just the romantic aspect of it. You can see why I could be setting myself up to be let down, but I'll give him the benefit of doubt. And speaking of album, Em's eighth studio effort, The Marshall Mathers LP 2, is set to be in store on Nov 5 (yes, my calendar's marked :) No news on the release date of LH's album yet.

So yeah, guilty pleasures. They add such wonderful swirls of colours into one's life, so how could we not love them? So let's just go ahead and indulge sans guilt. We can save the condemnation for things that are actually hurtful or harmful. Cheers!

kindred spirit.

I'm suppressing a hearty laughter as I type this, because I just found out that.......................... Eminem is an ISFP like me! Hahahaha!

I had kinda suspected it (can't help it when you are absorbing so much information about one person, it makes you just want to slap a label on them so that you can manage and cope with the inflow of info, and that was when I kinda saw a reflection of myself in him which led me to believe that we share similar traits)(not something I'm proud or ashamed of, it's just who I am) but never thought to google it to confirm my assessment until just now.

So, according to this (and this comment in particular) and this, Em and I are kindred spirit. I think I just melted a lil. But then again, it's not all too surprising because many artists are ISFP -- that's what ISFP is known as: The Artist. There are also arguments for other personality types (particularly INFJ or INTJ)(personally I don't think he's N, but to each her own) but still, this is exciting and I'm excited so let me have my moment! ^_^ Okay, I'm still laughing (more like chuckling, aloud, but there's no one around so it's not awkward).

Oh and by the same measures, I'm fairly certain that Leehom is an ESTJ. Differing opinions are welcome. Btw they are the only two popular figures who I can somewhat claim to have an insight into their psyche because I've watched and heard and read them in many, many interviews.. more than I care to admit haha!

thirty-three she is.

Took this from my birthday wish to myself two years ago. And now it's your turn. *blink blink*

Happy birthday, sis! Forever 25 you be! :)

And just as I had wished then, I wish today too that you find what your heart is looking for. Muaks!

offloading.

Ahh the weather just screams "blog something!".. okay, not screaming, just gently suggesting. It's gloomy and gray outside and I could see a light drizzle but I'm lovin' it. Okay, let's get to it.

I've been thinking, the past four years (roughly 2010 onward) felt like it has only been just one year. You know how I always lament that time passes by so quickly, I suppose the past 1,460 days felt exactly right as a year and not four. Memory-wise at least, everything seems so recent. It's like I've just joined the company, I've just left my old church, I've just grown closer to my present group of friends... I suppose the birth of this blog back then marked the beginning of that "new year", and when I read back the entries, they didn't seem like it was another lifetime ago.

Maybe the leap year is there for the reason that it signifies a complete cycle, that each one should consist of four trips around the sun instead of one. Maybe time isn't linear as how we usually measure it, but something more dynamic and differs from one individual to another but we use standard time-keeping so that we could be on the same page. And this change only starts once you hit 30. So by that measure, I'm 31 going on 32, which is exactly how old I feel. I love it how pieces of puzzles like these make perfect logic-defying sense in my head. Haha!

I've also wondered if I'm going through some sort of midlife crisis. I'm 35 (in conventional year *cough*) this year, right about the halfway mark to 70 which is how long I expect to live. So yeah, like some people who go through MLC with a new sports car and a younger wife, I seek other forms of excitement.. like, I never expected to like Chinese pop music, but I went crazy over Leehom which made me a happy bunny for a good long time. And I certainly never in a million years would have expected to be a fan of Eminem, no more than I would have expected myself to ever like K-pop (it hasn't happen yet, but at the rate things are going, who knows!). Maybe I like that he's so far removed from my world but here I am, probably close to exhausting all online links with his name and trying to talk myself out of the crush (yes) by constantly questioning myself and slowly expanding my base to other hip hop artists.

But just as it was with every other musician or band or singer that I like, I don't go very far off base. I will check out their peers who are of equal standing if not more superior (like how I checked out Jay Chou for Leehom), but my loyalty and connection are already sealed with that one entity in that given space and time. I find it impossible to rank the musicians/bands/singers I like (and by these I mean the ones I was really into, where I've heard their entire catalog of songs, not the ones where I just like one or a few songs).. I feel a deep connection with each of them, and each is different from the other because I relate and bond with them at different season of my life.. so even if I don't listen to them very often now, their importance doesn't fade and I can instantly feel the same fervency when I hear any of their songs. And this journey, I must say that I'm thrilled (and perhaps a little wary) of what's going on, but I will ride the wave out.

You know, there was this line from Em's latest song that struck a chord with me, when he rapped, "Say f--- it before we kick the bucket, life's too short to not go for broke." Not that I want to be reckless, but I've been thinking about that a while now and have been wondering what that means for me. I've always felt that I'm holding back, perhaps stemming from a strong need to feel that I'm in control. I also feel like I've been waiting a long time for something but I have no idea if whatever that is is coming or not. I still feel that I'm living a lot for myself, and of course I'm fine with it, but I'm just not sure if.. Hmm, maybe I'll just continue waiting. It's a good place to be, I won't deny that, but I'm just hoping I'm not missing the boat or bus or train or flight to wherever I'm supposed to go.

Anyway, I don't know how long or how deep I would be wading in these waters, but I wish I had discovered it earlier! I really love the wordplay and verbosity afforded by hip hop. There's so much more room to tell a story or to express one's thoughts and feelings. And to have the stories in rhymes, now that's music to my ear. I just think it takes mad skills to spit a string of cohesive rhyme so I'm practically awestruck over and over again. And the raw honesty is definitely a major pull factor for me. And yes, I'm all too aware of and will not deny the violent/misogynistic/offensive aspects found in rap songs but hey, it's not confined to this genre. Summer song darlin' Robin Thicke's Blurred Lines is a wolf in sheep's clothing, which is worse.. so yeah, I'm navigating with caution, and I believe my friends will keep me in check too. At this point, I'm just enjoying rapping as a sublime art form. Bleh, I think my endurance for coarse language is stronger now (thanks but no thanks, Em).

Moving on, I find reading my personality description to be such a relief most times. It assures me that I'm not weird (or at least if I was, that I'm not the only one). True to my ISFP character which is described as being "intense people who experience their emotions on an intense level. Although they may appear to be light-hearted, they are in fact extremely serious, and take their relationships seriously", I experience very strong, almost overwhelming, emotions that I feel like I have no control over (e.g. as shown in my response to my favorite music). It's like there's a giant magnifying glass and my emotions are like the sunlight going through it and hitting one spot that is me. I am averse to being run over by emotions and yet I still experience it through and through. This is what I mean when I feel like I'm driving myself insane. I hit very high highs where I feel like I could take on the world. Like the haiku that I wrote, I cannot begin to describe the level of satisfaction and pride and contentment and depth that I felt when those words were formed, first in my heads as fragmented description of what I was feeling and scattered pieces of what I was thinking about, and later when I manage to collect and have them materialise as typed words. In those three lines and 14 syllables was captured my entire state of being at that moment in time, and to have it down in written words is just so... so good. But that all those feelings could be so consuming and amplified to the point where I think I might implode. And then when I snap out of the stupor, I'll be staring at those three lines and 14 syllables and not being able to imagine anyone else seeing them beyond that. Have I unwittingly convinced you that I need to be institutionalised? Hehe!

Also, we ISFPs are also said to "may have a problem with communication. With Introverted Feeling dominating their personality, they are more vulnerable than most to being hurt. Perhaps because of this, they tend to hold back part of themselves from others, and do not always say what they think or feel. This is especially true during conflict situations, which the ISFP abhors more than anything in the world. Confrontations and arguments are very difficult for the ISFP to deal with. They feel personally threatened in these situations." I told you that I hold myself back. Mm, since this is part of my character, I wonder if I could break out of it. And yes, no conflict please, can we all just get along, here have some cornflakes kthnxbai.

Anyways, I'm done writing for now. Just want to get some stuff off my chest. I love this blog for this very reason! *breathes normal again*

[via]

[sigh]
I need words as wide as sky

I need a language large as this longing inside

and I need a voice bigger than mine

and I need a song to sing you that I've yet to find

I need you, oh, I need you I need you, oh, I need you

to be here now, to be here now

to hear me now, to hear me now

david crowder band :: I need words

This was the first song off the first album I own from the band. I didn't know their work prior to that, but before the song was over, I knew I would be a fan for life. Like many songs I love, this spoke for me when I couldn't, and it still does.