rhymes with broccoli.

You know one of those one-thing-leads-to-another events? So something like that happened and I ended up at my ex-colleagues long-defunct blog and randomly clicked on one of the posts and came upon this. And this is one of 'em things that articulate how you feel about something but you never thought to put it in words.

ON MELANCHOLY

the collins dictionary let me down today. i don't like it's definition of melancholy. the collins advanced learner's defines melancholy as "an intense sadness". i disagree.

the relationship between melancholy and sadness cannot be one of degrees. if anything, a very intense sadness could possibly be mistaken for depression, but certainly not melancholy.

melancholy, as i've always known it, is a detached variety of sadness. it is a sadness that, when choosing between crying and sighing, will choose sighing. it's a sadness that stands outside of itself and feels the quiet pang of loss rather than the raw pain of it.

i'd almost go as far as to say that melancholy is being sad about sadness itself. it's like looking back on an unfortunate event from a place that doesn't feel the firsthand sadness - the sadness is now secondhand, no longer played out on ground zero but watched from the rooftop, looking down. it moves from being a sadness for to being a sadness about. yes, i think this is melancholy. collins = fallible.

i've been feeling a bit melancholy lately. i don't mind it. it's actually quite nice.

~

In keeping with the somber tone of the post (yay, Friday!)... I was recently thinking about something Jon Foreman said, when I remembered he briefly wrote about singer-songwriter the late Elliot Smith. I'm not familiar with his work and I don't know much about Elliot other than what I read on wiki. One thing of note, I've outlived him. It's a weird feeling. I sometimes think about what if any given day was my last on earth. Would I be sad to leave? Yes. Would I be happy to leave? Yes.




Elliot Smith :: Between The Bars

Drink up baby, stay up all night, with the things you could do
You won't but you might, the potential you'll be
That you'll never see the promises you'll only make
Drink up with me now and forget all about the pressure of days
Do what I say and I'll make you okay and drive them away, the images stuck in your head

People you've been before that you don't want around anymore
That push and shove and won't bend to your will, I'll keep them still
Drink up baby, look at the stars, I'll kiss you again between the bars
Where I'm seeing you there with your hands in the air, waiting to finally be caught

Drink up one more time and I'll make you mine
Keep you apart, deep in my heart, separate from the rest
Where I like you the best and keep the things you forgot
The people you've been before that you don't want around anymore
That push and shove and won't bend to your will, I'll keep them still

self.

It's a rainy evening on a Friday, which means traffic will be slow. And since I have nowhere to be, I don't need to leave the office now and join in the madness. There are a couple of posts I had wanted to put up, but I don't feel like it because I suddenly found them to be too self-centric. I mean, all my posts are self-centric, but hmm.. Instead, I'm blog-plugging from one of my favorite bloggers on the subject of... self. Haha oh the irony! Here's a chunk from what he's written:

One of the things I've learned from writers like James Alison, a theologian deeply informed by Rene Girard, is how rivalry is intimately associated with our self-concept. Specifically, most of us create, build up and maintain our self-esteem through rivalry with others. Our sense of self-worth is created and supported by some contrast and opposition to others. I am a self in that I am over and against others. Better. Smarter. More righteous. More successful. More authentic. More humane. Less hoodwinked. More tolerant. More insightful. More kind. More something.

In short, selfhood is inherently rivalrous. Rivalry creates the self. Rivalry is the fuel of self-esteem and self-worth.

Which means that the self is inherently violent. The definition of the self is an act of aggression and violence. To be "Richard Beck" is to engage in violence against others, if not physically than affectionally. From sunrise to sunset every thought I have about myself is implicated in acts of comparison, judgement, and evaluation of others, allowing me to create a sense of self and then fill that self with feelings of significance and worthiness.

And this also applies to those with low self-worth, those who define themselves negatively in comparison with others. The violence here is simply internalized, directed toward the self rather than toward others. But at the end of the day it's the same mechanism, you are either winning or losing the rivalry, having either high or low self-esteem, but in either case the self is still being defined by violence.

Things like blogging, given its nature, can bring these rivalrous feelings to the surface making them more transparent (if you are self-reflective). But it's just a symptom of a deeper sickness, that the self in inherently rivalrous and that self-esteem is a feeling of significance achieved over against others.

We feel good about ourselves by stepping on the heads of others, physically or psychologically.

In fact, this may be the best definition of "original sin": Being a self makes you a violent person.

...

How do you become a non-violent, non-rivalrous human being and person?

I think the self has to die. That's what the bible seems to think. There must be a letting go, a surrendering, an emptying of the self. All efforts to define the self by acts of justification, the accumulation of evidence and data that the self is significant, have to be renounced.

Phrased positively, the self must be experiencing as gift, as an experience of gratuitous and surprising grace.

Only there, in the midst of grace, can the neurotic knot at the root of our violence be loosened and undone.

I don't mean to sound stupid, but what did he mean? How do I do that? Mm, in the comments section, he wrote, "Like I noted in the post, I keep trying to put gratitude out in front of me. Keep blogging (or working or creating) for the joy of it. If we can keep joy in front of us I think we'd all be much happier and healthier, in any endeavor." That makes sense. Be grateful. Don't think so much about myself. Easier said than done.

something beautiful, something kind

I know I'm supposed to be sleeping, but I've just finished my work for today, and I WANT to end the day doing something I really like, like writing this :P Okay, I'm not writing much, because I don't have to. He actually beat me to this---I had wanted to blog about the person who is the subject of the post earlier, but haven't found the angle. But 'sokay, how many times could I actually say that "Leehom has done the job for me"? Hehehe.. So yeah, I'm just gonna plug the entire post here:

王力宏 Wang Leehom
I made an inspiring friend last week. Her name is Yvonne Foong, and she has neurofibromatosis, a genetic illness with no known cure, which has left her completely deaf. It's rare for a deaf person to come to one of my concerts, so I was fascinated to hear what she had to say after the show. She told me that eight years ago, when she had her hearing, she saw me perform live. Now, with no hearing at all, she could still "hear" the concert, but with all of her other senses. She excitedly described the show to me, in vivid detail. It was amazing for me to hear her go on and on, obviously moved by the music, having heard not a single note.

It made me think of Beethoven, one of the greatest musicians of all time, who wrote some of the most celebrated music in history, while completely deaf. It's incredible to think that his music, which millions know and love, was never even once heard by its composer. Yet there's no doubt Beethoven, like Yvonne, could still "hear" with all his other senses, and profoundly, at that.

When a tree falls in the woods and no one hears it, does it make a sound? People have debated this cliché question for centuries. Some say no, that sound must be perceived in order to exist. Some say yes, that sound doesn't have to be heard to exist. The argument is interesting because, either way, how can you prove it when no one heard it? But can music exist when the notes are inaudible? Is there something more to music than sound waves with varying amplitudes and frequencies?

One of my favorite musicians, Leonard Bernstein, would have us think so. Toward the end of his life, he wrote:

In the beginning was the note,
And the note was with God.
And whosoever can reach that note,
Reach high and bring it back to us on earth,
To our earthly ears…
Partakes of the divine.

I don't know if anyone can prove or disprove that Yvonne heard my concert, but when I met her that night backstage in Malaysia, looked into her eyes and saw her excitement, I had my answer. And I want to thank her for reminding me that music goes beyond sound waves, and is not a tree falling in the woods. Thank you for reminding me that Bernstein was right, music comes from the divine, and what a blessing it is to reach higher and higher, reaching to bring those notes down to earth.

Read Yvonne's blogpost here.
Support her foundation here.

Her story was really inspiring and I was touched by what she's been through, and also the kind gesture of her friend and the fan club people to arrange for this. I'm happy that of all people she got to met him, and I think it was really nice of him to have spent the time with her after his exhausting 2.5 hour concert (he has done something similar before this---in another post-concert clip I've seen before, he went to say Hi to a group of cancer-stricken kids who were at his concert courtesy of Lovelife---the charity organisation founded by his best bud Blackie)... :)

And that quote attributed to Leonard Bernstein---I love it! It's so beautiful and what I imagine good art is all about---divine, a gift, to be shared, inspiring, thought-provoking, uplifting. It reminds me of this other quote I saw floating about recently, which I agree with. This is a subject somewhat close to my heart, and maybe one day I'd have enough substance to actually write about it.

For now, I'm going bed happy. Good night, folks.

just because

i *have* to post something here today, because it's Feb 29, 2012 (a once in 4-year day if you reeeally have to know).

what do i say, what do i say?

i have nothing to say, i have nothing to say!

well, actually i do, i always do, but the thought of having to construct whole sentences that make sense is too daunting. i'm at that stage in my life where i'm just. too. layzee. to. urm. whatever.

oh, did you know that i have eight wedding invites for this year alone? yes EIGHT. don't get me wrong -- it's not that i'm not happy for my friends who are settling down, but you know what i'm implying. with the escalating cost of wedding banquets, an invite naturally places a financial burden on the invitees (yes, me and the rest of us who are going through the economy slump AND have vacation plans :D). so please understand why i'm going solo although you invited my other half who doesn't really know you at all. and i sincerely still want to be there for you, even if you have not contacted me since we left school 15 years ago (yes, one of those). and yes, i can get a bit grumpy at the quality of food, especially at *that* price tag. ok, sorry about the rant. i feel guilty cos i know the special day means a lot to the couples. i'm not upset at any one in particular.

just the collective group of you. haha!

btw i'm semi active again on twitter. almost abandoned it for good as i couldn't deal with the information overload, but gonna give it another shot. uh oh. this is gonna be another complaint (the husby is right, i do complain a lot! :D). i have this friend whose tweets flood my homepage by RT-ing (that's retweet for you non-twitterers, i.e. quoting someone else's status verbatim) everything her friends say. like "hello" and "good morning". and other nonsense that are so not RT material. this explains why she has 11,000+ tweets when she just joined twitter less than half a year ago. no, i can't unfollow her, due to certain "social pressure", if you catch my drift. yes, i succumb to that sometimes.

ok, i shall limit myself to two complaints.

i've been watching this TV show called Community (now in it's third season - i'm a slow adopter). and it's HI to the LARIOUS! it's an awesome cast and scenes and i haven't literally LOLed so much in a long time watching a TV show (even movies for that matter)), not even with HIMYM or TBBT or Modern Family (all of which i still love uninhibitedly). oh here's a pic of the cast (the only pic i have for this blog post):

last one before i ciao, (maybe you can click on this link to leave this blog) check out Caleb Wilde's blog. i've been following him for a while now and i enjoy his writing. he writes mostly on more sombre topics like death, not just because he's a sixth generation funeral director. his writing about dealing with death and loss, theological thoughts, and his vocation as mission, offers a rare insight into a world we rarely and reluctantly tread, and is worthy reading.

happy leap day!

*hops away*

today's post is brought to you be the letter B

B is for blog plugs*.

being an avid blog reader (which is like my main job, although my boss would disagree :P), these two are some of my favs. i'm like wow every time i read their blogs. i hope you'd like them:

1. wendy cooks up a storm or two
• wendy/wanyee and i were housemates back when we were studying in UPM. my impression of her was that she loves cooking and she really knows her way around the kitchen
• once we stayed up to play 'chor dai dee' (a card game) in her room til 5am, the morning i was supposed to sit for a test. i wasn't a very good student, could you tell?
• we kept in touch on and off over the years. she went into teaching and was sent to raub rompin for a few years. she got married a good few years back (some friends and i went to her wedding in sitiawan kampar :P) and is now blessed with two daughters :)
• her blog is very awesome and i shall warn you not to read it on an empty stomach. hehe.. she updates almost every day -- seriously, i don't know where she finds the time to cook and blog DAILY and be a mom.
• her blog is always very informative -- she doesn't just give you the recipe and pictures, she would go into details about some of the uncommon items she uses, such as the proper names, where to get them, cooking tips, web links etc. i've learned so much from just reading. i've also bookmarked the dishes i assume i could make -- but haven't gotten to them. hahaha..  

2. chingz sings and sews (say that now repeatedly & real fast :P)
• ching-ching was my colleague back in cyberjaya, we hardly spoke much less carried a proper conversation. my most memorable impression of her was of her mesmerizing smooth singing when she performed for the annual staff dinner. i'm not a fan of female voices, but hers are one of the few that i do. :)
• can't tell you much about her since we aren't really a friend haha.. but i love her quirky sense of style.. M and i have ooh-ed and ahh-ed in envy at some of her handiwork -- she comes across as a very funny and interesting and creative person. and jazz has called me not-so-nice names for stalking ching2. hahaha..
• she is one mean sewing tenggiling (her word, not mine :) -- she could turn something like this 

to

and make stuff like these (from scratch, or remaking): 

i think i digressed. was thinking more about intro-ing you to her band ATKK (the artists formerly known as Alaling & the Kaya Koks) -- they are giving away for FREE their latest EP which i really really like :)! [ooh, check out the MV for the song Really Hate It too -- it's so cute! :D]

btw i only have a handful of readers so they might not benefit from increased readership this but i really just wanna share the lurve :P



* i might be misusing the word here. probably blog promo is a better word?