Eminem released the Spike Lee-directed music video for Headlights on Mother’s Day today. It's a heartfelt song in which he apologizes to his mom for all the hate he's spewed about her in his past music, and it's one of my most played songs off his MMLP2 album.

Honestly I thought the video was kinda underwhelming. Maybe my expectations were misplaced, but hmm. I also didn't like having the Debbie Mathers stand-in. It kinda reminded me of how fake it felt when "Elton John" and "Dr Dre" appeared on the MV for Monster. I would have loved if Nate Ruess had actually appeared in the video, and if not that, that they didn't cut off some of his solo, especially the ending. The missing sections of the song just didn't sit right with me.

That said, I could imagine how difficult this song would have been for him to write, so much so that he didn't want to discuss it in any interviews since its release. I was pleasantly surprised when he teased about doing an MV for the song. My favorite parts of the MV were when the photos of him as a kid were shown. He looked so happy and innocent in them, oblivious to the sheer madness his path would eventually be. Knowing what I do about his life, just seeing those photos with Debbie as she flipped through the photo album was really moving.

I hope the process of writing this song has been cathartic for him and that it brought him certain closure. I'm sure Debbie would come to know of this song - she's probably still keeping track of him. I actually hope he is supporting her financially somehow. He has gone through so much since his debut days, and I'm sure the years have mellowed him, or at least gave him a different perspective of life now he's reached where he is. I often wondered if he'd have another album, but that's musing for another post. It's easy to judge what's happened between the mother-son pair, so I won't. I just hope that one day that they'd be able to put the past behind them, forgive each other and then reconcile for good.

So yeah mm... Happy Mother's Day!




"Headlights" (feat. Nate Ruess)

[Verse 1: Nate Ruess]
Mom, I know I let you down
And though you say the days are happy
Why is the power off, and I'm f***ed up?
And, Mom, I know he's not around
But don't you place the blame on me
As you pour yourself another drink, yeah.

[Hook: Nate Ruess]
I guess we are who we are
Headlights shining in the dark night I drive on
Maybe we took this too far

[Verse 2: Eminem]
I went in headfirst
Never thinking about who what I said hurt, in what verse
My mom probably got it the worst
The brunt of it, but as stubborn as we are
Did I take it too far?
"Cleaning Out My Closet" and all them other songs
But regardless I don't hate you 'cause, Ma,
You're still beautiful to me, 'cause you're my mom
Though far be it from you to be calm, our house was Vietnam
Desert Storm and both of us put together can form an atomic bomb equivalent to chemical warfare
And forever we can drag this on and on but, agree to disagree
That gift from me up under the Christmas tree don't mean s*** to me
You're kicking me out? It's 15 degrees and it's Christmas Eve (little prick just leave)
Ma, let me grab my f***ing coat, anything to have each other's goats
Why we always at each other's throats?
Especially when dad, he f***ed us both
We're in the same f***ing boat, you'd think that it'd make us close (nope)
Further away it drove us, but together headlights shine, a car full of belongings
Still got a ways to go, back to grandma's house it's straight up the road
And I was the man of the house, the oldest, so my shoulders carried the weight of the load
Then Nate got taken away by the state at eight years old,
And that's when I realized you were sick and it wasn't fixable or changeable
And to this day we remained estranged and I hate it though, but

[Hook: Nate Ruess]
I guess we are who we are
Headlights shining in the dark night I drive on
Maybe we took this too far

[Verse 3: Eminem]
'Cause to this day we remain estranged and I hate it though
'Cause you ain't even get to witness your grand babies grow
But I'm sorry, Mama, for "Cleaning Out My Closet", at the time I was angry
Rightfully maybe so, never meant that far to take it though,
'cause now I know it's not your fault, and I'm not making jokes
That song I no longer play at shows and I cringe every time it's on the radio
And I think of Nathan being placed in a home
And all the medicine you fed us
And how I just wanted you to taste your own,
But now the medications taken over
And your mental state's deteriorating slow
And I'm way too old to cry, the shit is painful though
But, Ma, I forgive you, so does Nathan, yo
All you did, all you said, you did your best to raise us both
Foster care, that cross you bear, few may be as heavy as yours
But I love you, Debbie Mathers, oh, what a tangled web we have,
'cause one thing I never asked was where the f*** my deadbeat dad was
F**8 it, I guess he had trouble keeping up with every address
But I'd have flipped every mattress, every rock and desert cactus
Own a collection of maps and followed my kids to the edge of the atlas
Someone ever moved them from me? That you coulda bet your asses
If I had to come down the chimney dressed as Santa, kidnap them
And although one has only met their grandma once
You pulled up in our drive one night as we were leaving to get some hamburgers
Me, her and Nate, we introduced you, hugged you
And as you left I had this overwhelming sadness come over me
As we pulled off to go our separate paths,
And I saw your headlights as I looked back
And I'm mad I didn't get the chance to thank you for being my Mom and my Dad
So, Mom, please accept this as a tribute I wrote this on the jet
I guess I had to get this off my chest,
I hope I get the chance to lay it before I'm dead
The stewardess said to fasten my seat belt, I guess we're crashing
So if I'm not dreaming, I hope you get this message that I'll always love you from afar
'Cause you're my Ma

[Hook: Nate Ruess]
I guess we are who we are
Headlights shining in the dark night I drive on
Maybe we took this too far

[Verse 4: Nate Ruess]
I want a new life (start over)
One without a cause (clean slate)
So I'm coming home tonight (yeah)
Well, no matter what the cost
And if the plane goes down
Or if the crew can't wake me up
Well, just know that I'm alright
I was not afraid to die
Oh, even if there's songs to sing
Well, my children will carry me
Just know that I'm alright
I was not afraid to die
Because I put my faith in my little girls
So I never say, "Goodbye, cruel world."
Just know that I'm alright
I am not afraid to die

[Hook: Nate Ruess]
I guess we are who we are
Headlights shining in the dark night I drive on
Maybe we took this too far

I want a new life

look who has been a good girl this year..

So yeah, Christmas came early, and..... I got a new phone! :) It's exactly three years to my iPhone 4 purchase, and it has been seriously lagging in performance (erm, not helped by the fact that I have over 5,000 photos and gigabyte after gigabyte of songs; yup, my bad)(also not helped by the fact that it could ill-afford to support the iOS7 upgrade so the apps have not been updated in a while).. I suppose I could have continued using it (that was the plan but I think the slow response time was getting to me), but I finally "caved in" to the voice in my head that screams "get a new phone already!" and somehow managed to con my husband into getting me a new phone haha! Thankiew husby! *heart*

Hey wait, come to think of it, he was the one who planted the idea in my head! He kinda asked me a few months back if I would like to change the phone, I was kinda taken by surprise at the question then because I hadn't said anything to him about my phone, but apparently I've been absentmindedly making remarks about the slowed performance. Awww it's sweet that his ears actually perked up to that haha.. And because he never said "No" when I said I'd only change if he gets it for me, I kinda warmed up to the idea la la la.

Anyway, it took me forever to convince myself that I actually needed a new phone. The main reason was that it's not cheap (close to RM2k yo) and I'm not the kinda person who simply upgrades her phone (I do have a frugal side to me).. yeah, I struggled for a lonnngggg time with the decision, and even wrestled with guilt for a good two weeks after the purchase (hence my delay in blogging about it). Thankfully I have since come to term with it (I know, my choice of words in the past two sentences made it sound as if I was going through some life-changing crisis right? Go ahead and roll your eyes!), and am very much enjoying my new toy.

So may I present you.. *drum rolls please* ... the new extension of my arm, the HTC One!

Why not the iPhone, you might ask, since I've been using it the past 3 years? Am I not more used to its interface and usability? That's actually a good reason under normal circumstances but I decided I kinda had enough with Apple and their antics. Remember how I lost all my contacts when I tried to sync it to iCloud? And how all my painfully updated album covers went haywire after one of the numerous iOS upgrades? The perfectionist in me almost committed suicide. And sync-ing with iTunes? Bleh. The only thing I love about the iTunes is the convenience of music buying, which I strongly advocate if you could afford it =).

So it was a good thing that I came across this article and I was completely sold on the idea of switching to Android. And so.. Android phones.. why HTC and not the ubiquitous Samsung? Erm, for that very reason. I never owned a Nokia in my life because they were everywhere back then, almost literally so. I like to be special I guess *cough* (I realised my logic sometimes doesn't hold water in the real world). So erm why did I have an iPhone back then since it was also everywhere? Well, I might have decided on it in a moment of weakness lol! Just kidding - I don't need to defend myself, do I? :P Anyway, I would have gone for a Windows phone then but its app market was still in infancy stage and I had no desire to be a guinea pig. So yeah, I've no regret going with the iP4, it was the best phone then.

So yeah, HTC. For whatever reason, I had always wanted an HTC - even back when I was first scouting for a smartphone, but there wasn't anything that especially caught my eye (or rather, met my budget). If I were to choose a reason behind my wanting of the  HTC, it was because my friend L got one a few years back, and I remember there was this app called Google Sky Map that would show you the names and positions of major constellations visible to our naked eyes. I was so mesmerised by it and in fact it was one of the first apps I looked for in iTunes when I got my iPhone, only to find it wasn't available on that platform (lol, just found out that I actually blogged about this). So yeah, that has been on my mind at least the past three years. But I can't just get a phone for one app right? And wouldn't Samsung have the app too? Thankfully, the HTC One has gotten really good reviews and is widely regarded as one of the top phones in its category, so I didn't need much persuasion to go with it.

Oh yeah, this last piece of the puzzle came later but it sealed my decision: The One has two additional brownie points going for it... okay, I'm going into fangirl mode, just so you are warned... for one, Leehom endorses and uses an HTC Phone (he switched some time last year and here he is in NY Times Square doing a commercial for the One so yeah, woot!).. andddd.. the audio system in the One is provided by beats, yup, the very one by Dr Dre, who as we all know, is Eminem's mentor. So ta-dah! My two most favorite singers, connected by One phone... so yeah, what can I say but SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY!

^__^

Moving on, 'tis the time of the year.. the annual Big Bad Wolf book sale is upon us once again. Like how people look forward to some music festivals, I look forward to this particular cheaper-than-dirt book sale.. it's really the best thing since.. sliced bread (urgh for lame idiom but right now, I have nothing better to offer). Brand new books go for as low as RM3 (USD1), with the average paperback going for RM8 and hardcover between RM10 and RM25. While I would lurrrve to splurge (I do love a book with a nice cover, and there were so many!), I usually cap my spending at RM200, which is really a pittance compared to how much other book lovers spend, but that amount yielded me a good 22 books (some are not pictured below because I haven't bought them yet at the time the photo was taken - yup, I've gone there twice over the weekend - on Fri with J and again last night with the husband, and I won't mind another round before they're done) and I'm more than delighted. I'm a slow reader and this is just the right number of books to keep me occupied for the next 12 months. So yes, I'm a happy bunny all around. Xoxo!

a life worth reading

I've been on a biography/memoir reading spree lately; it was not intentional, it just happened and I think it's wonderful, especially because it's is one of my favorite genres. I don't usually write book reviews, but this has been a good streak and I would like to remember it, so here goes...

Bill Bryson's The Life and Times of the Thunderbolt Kid: A Memoir
Des Moines (pronounced Deh-Moin) is the capital and the most populous city in the U.S. state of Iowa, a fact that had meant little to me, but the city came alive reading Bryson's memoir, a testament of his way with words. Bryson's affection for the world of his childhood was funny and contagious. Among others, he's argued how department stores and movie theaters are two things that were different and better in the 1950s, parts of a life that he observes are not the same anymore.

I've been meaning to check out Bryson's other works as I have on a couple of good authorities that he's a brilliant travel writer. I actually don't fancy travelogues, but those people were really convincing so I'd love to give him another chance, especially after a positive impression this time around, notwithstanding my unfortunate first encounter with Bryson with the Short History of Nearly Everything where I struggled to finish the first chapter before giving up because I found it soo boring. 

Btw, there are two other US cities that I would now pause and pay attention to when mentioned: Rochester, New York and Detroit, Michigan. The former is Leehom's hometown and the latter, Em's. Leehom left NY since he was 17 and has established his roots in Taiwan, but Em looks like he'd have to be pried away from Detroit. I've just finished downloading Anthony Bourdain's take on the Detroit on his show Parts Unknown (thanks, D, for the heads up! =) and I can't wait to catch it.. soon. ^_^



Eminem's The Way I Am
The day before Em's birthday on October 17 (interestingly, LH's birthday is May 17, so excuse me if I felt a sudden affinity with the number 17 ;), I got a gift in the mail. Well, not really a gift, because it was something I bought for myself, but when it came, I was so excited I believe I might have let out a series of squeals in my colleague's presence haha! But yay, Christmas came early! So yeah, I bought Eminem's autobiography from bookdepository.com (awesome site, can't recommend it enough). It reached my desk just before noon, and by 2pm, I had passed the middle section of the 200+ page book. In my defense, I tried to put it down many many times, but I kept picking it up again. I couldn't help it. *hangs head in shame* But considering that it was really easy reading (not unlike reading a diary entry), and that there were a lot of pictures, it certainly wasn't a feat that I had read that much. By the time I got home, I wasn't very far from finishing it; I felt sad and the dread as I turned the last few pages.

The verdict? I enjoyed it very much but c'mon, why wouldn't I! :) It wasn't the greatest piece of written work, but it was a deeply personal piece. Some reviewers said that he skimmed through the tumultuous relationship with his mother and ex-wife, but really, what else could he have said that he hasn't in all his songs about them? That he didn't mean them? I'm quite sure those thoughts were real. He did briefly touch about the gruesome song about his ex-wife Kim, and he'd explained to her that those hateful songs he wrote about her reflected how he really felt and thought in the heat of their arguments so she would be okay with him putting them out. She relented for most part (did she have a choice?), but I feel that he did go too far at one point (he didn't write about it in the book but it's well documented on the internet), where they were on the way to his concert and she asked him if he would play that song and he said no, but I guess booze and/or drug changed his mind and he went all out deriding her on stage, and she felt so hurt and went home and slit her wrist. I hope he was wrecked with guilt over that incident! But lest you think she was a damsel-in-distress, she was also known to physically attacking him.. in public. So yeah, theirs was the real-life version of his hit song (look ma, a pun!) with Rihanna, Love the Way You Lie.

Like his songs, he's candid with what went on in his life and his head. The book provides insight into his early days struggling with poverty and being on welfare, bullies at school, having to constantly move from one home to another and one school to another, an absent father and an addict mom, minimum wage jobs, baby mama drama, and the insecurities of living where they were. It also chronicles his friendship with Proof who was instrumental in making him into who he is -- it was pretty obvious that without Proof, there'd be no Eminem. Sadly, Proof was killed in a bar fight-gone-awry in 2006 and words just can't express what it was like losing such an important figure like that in one's life; he struggled for years to get back on his feet. There was also his unrelenting pursuit of the art of emceeing, and later his explosion and exposure to the world at large. He hadn't expected to blow up like he did, and fame is still something he grappling with after all these years (he still raps about it). People who are familiar with his songs would already know most of the details of his life, but I think even the most hardcore of fans would still be able to find a tidbit or two in the book that they had not known previously.

My favorite chapter would be the one where he talks about being a father. He said that "being a dad makes me feel powerful in a way I hadn't known before, and it's the kind of power that I don't want to abuse. It's the kind of power that helps me overcome the bad shit from my childhood. It's like I'm rewriting my own history." He's always maintained that he's a father first and a rapper second, and he tries to be there for his kids (he has a daughter with ex-wife Kim, and he adopted the daughter of Kim's twin sister, and another daughter from Kim's other marriage, and "all three of my girls call me Daddy and they are loved the same" awww..) every chance he could. And he talks about how he tries to teach his daughters to be responsible and accountable and that their world isn't just a free-for-all and they've got things to do around the house, and how when they are older they'd have to get jobs and learn what it means to earn.. I'm just glad despite his troubled childhood and shaky relationship with Kim, that he would fall so naturally into the role of a loving, concern and involved father.

And this might be the wackiest confession I've ever made here or anywhere: you know how I've always have fears about attempting motherhood? Oh you probably don't because I don't ever talk about it. But it was something that stuck with me for the longest time, and though I do feel more ready now, Em was one person who actually got me to seriously consider that it probably won't be so bad after all (yes, it was that recent), with this verse in particular from Hailie's Song:

Some days I sit staring out the window, watching this world pass me by
Sometimes I think there's nothing to live for, I almost break down and cry
Sometimes I think I'm crazy, I'm crazy oh so crazy
Why am I here, am I just wasting my time?
But when I see my baby, suddenly I'm not crazy
It all makes sense when I look into her eyes

Yup. Who would have thought, right?

Lol, looks like I think I got a bit carried away with this review. To end, I know it's a very fangirl-y thing to say, but I could understand the reasons behind a lot of things he did, whether if they were justified or not, logical or not. He and I, we are kindred spirit, remember? LOL! Quit rolling your eyes!!



Ravi Zacharias's Walking from East to West: God in the Shadows

All I knew about Ravi before this was that he's a prominent Christian apologist. I sat under his protege's tutelage for the book of John. I knew that J is a huge fan(girl) of his. But I've not heard or read anything by him, and I have no excuse.

This book introduced me to him, not in the way he's usually introduced i.e. accolades upon accolades. I was introduced to a boy of low self-esteem who had no interest in academic but one who is affable and well liked. A boy who often for no obvious reason drew the ire of his father and stood meekly in the shadows of his more accomplished brother. A boy who struggled with understanding the meaning of life and drifted in the ocean of purposelessness for a long time before finding his calling that changed the course of his life, and many, many, many lives whom he's touched.

Many people who come to know Jesus have their lives changed 180 degree and that was what happened to Ravi. He became a voracious reader and his confidence grew, and God had him doing things he never knew he could or going places he never thought he would. You can't help but be absorbed in his story and just rad in amazement and awe at how things turned out.

And for the record, my short review here is in no way reflective of how I feel about the book. I won't necessarily say that it's the best of the lot here as each story and each life has its own charms and snags.. but this was definitely well-written and inspirational. Makes me all the more curious about his works. I suppose I should just get my mind ready to be blown away again.



Nadia Bolz-Weber's Pastrix: The Cranky, Beautiful Faith of a Sinner & Saint
I got to know about this book from Richard Beck's review and I was curious enough to buy a hardcover copy of it (usually I'd wait for the cheaper paperback version), also via bookdepository. The heavily tattooed Rev. Nadia Bolz-Weber is not your typical pastor, in any conventional sense of the word. Even her life path is unusual as it is presented: engaging, encouraging, irreverent, inspiring and funny.

One thing I loved about this was her brutal honesty. Sure, she swore like a sailor (uncensored in the book), and that would have bothered me a lot, but my tolerance for profanity has risen substantially thanks to Em (I don't know if it's a good thing but life is easier when I don't take offense at everything)(I mean, I still find a lot of things annoying and objectionable, but one less item off the list isn't too bad at all). I like what Beck said when warning reader of the litany of F-bombs in the book: ... to be honest, I get sort of annoyed in needing to give such warnings. Why are so many Christians such pious fragile little daisies? Do we really think Jesus was so easily offended? Goodness sakes, look who Jesus hung out with. 

And may I quote Richard again as to what the book is about:

It's a spiritual memoir that, roughly, moves through three parts of of Nadia's life. The first part covers Nadia's early years growing up in fundamentalist Christianity, her descent into drugs and sex, to her eventual return to Christianity. The second part is Nadia's calling to the pastorate and the founding of House for All Sinners and Saints. And the final part is stories about the growth of the church and Nadia's pastorate. All the way through are raw, powerful and confessional stories of both success and failure, each salted with the crazy juxtapositions created by Nadia's personal history and personality in light of her life as the spiritual leader of a faith community.

What I loved about Pastrix (a word used derisively by some conservative Christians who refuse to recognize female pastors) was how real she was and how forthcoming she was about her struggles with the word of God that most of us would probably think is "unChristian" to utter. I relate to her misanthropic nature and applaud her for fighting it (definitely made me think about how I am right now). Her church, the House of All Saints and Sinners is an all-inclusive church whose congregation would definitely raise more than a few eyebrows in most churches elsewhere. But urm, I'm cool with that. I don't know if I'd fit in there, or anywhere for that matter right now. I feel like I'm on a self-imposed isolation. I feel like I'm drifting. Sigh~ Man, are you guys reading this, I'm confessing left and right in this post. Anyway, I think one of the best things about growing old is realizing that a lot of things shouldn't and don't matter, and I think it's silly how people get up in arms over the wrong things (okay, me included, but yeah, all of us need to grow up). Like Ravi above, her story once again proves that God has a sense of humour most of us would only funny in hindsight, and that his way is wayyy beyond my puny limits, and once again, I put down all my earthly strivings before him and just sit silently at his feet.

Anyway, please allow me to quote Beck one last time: "That's what I most loved about Pastrix, how the bible kept crashing into the messiness of Nadia's life and the life of her crazy and amazing church. Being interrupted by the bible, in hard but often life-giving ways, is something that I can deeply identify with." Check out this video for one of her sermons where she recounted some of the stories she also shared in the book.



Benazir Bhutto's Daughter of the East 
I have just begun on one last autobiography I have in hand but I thought I'd include it in this list, that of Benazir Bhutto, the Prime Minister of Pakistan from 1988 until 1990, and from 1993 to 1996. She was assassinated in a bombing in 2007 (right about the time this book was published).

Her name was something I remember from way back then, and her being the first female Pakistani PM was pretty impressive to me then, and now. I'm only in the first chapter, and she talked about having kids during her tenure (she was then the only head of government in recorded history to actually give birth while in office, I'm pretty sure the record still holds). Of course her detractors had a field day trying to overthrow her, albeit unsuccessfully. Can't help but think she must have been one remarkable lady.

I generally don't read political bios because they are very detailed and those details usually just fly over my head, so... I do hope I'd finish this! If I do, and if I would write about it, I'd just update this page.

Okay, I don't know why I'm doing this (this being singling out another song from MMLP2 and writing about it, because, do I really need to do it? no, I don't.)(...)(oh, how could I not realise it? I'm procrastinating!!), but yeah, I came across another one that I like. It's called Rhyme or Reason, which samples an old song from The Zombies' 1968 Time of the Season. Wow, a 45-year old song... that's o-l-d.

Anyway I like the catchy and almost haunting tune of the original and I like how Eminem has reworked the chorus by changing the words to still rhyme with the original but at the same time turned the meaning of the song the other way around (see comparison below), and how he used the chorus as a Q&A to bring his absent dad into the picture. Even the writer of the song Rod Argent has commented how he "love[s] that it was almost identical in vowel sounds and mirrored the original, but at the same time completely inverted the sentiment of what was being said." Em also did a pretty spot-on impression of Yoda in the song, and oh I learned something from the lyrics: komodo dragons are capable of reproducing asexually, i.e. that the female doesn’t necessarily require a male to lay eggs. You didn't know that, did you? Haha!

excerpt from The Zombies'  original version	excerpt from Eminem's  reworked version
it's the time of the season when the love runs high in this time, give it to me easy and let me try with pleasured hands to take you and the sun to promised lands to show you every one it's the time of the season for loving	it's the time of the season when hate runs high and this time, give it to you easy, when I take back what's mine with pleasured hands, and torture everyone, that is my plan my job here isn't done, cause there's no rhyme or no reason for nothing

probably the only photo of them together

Anyway, it looks like Em tends to write about the same few topics, i.e. the people in his life (or out of it), which are basically himself and how awesome and awful he is, his estranged wife, his beloved kids, his addict mom and his absent dad... maybe it's keeping with the theme of the album (a revisit to the first Marshall Mathers LP), but yeah, he hasn't run very far (except when he creates wacky personas like a serial killer or a deranged fan). So far, I've written about the songs he wrote for his mom and his wife, and now here's this song about his dad.

My first thought was, he's 41, and he's still talking about the dad he never met? But yeah, what do I know about how he feels when I've got my dad around all my life right ? I guess some scars never fade away and time doesn't dish out answers we want. Unfortunately, the missing father figure drove a wedge between his mom and him instead of bringing them closer, and he's said one too many times that he doesn't care about his dad at all or how he's doing and yet, he's referred the old man in as many songs and he still grapples to understand how his dad could just walk out from the family. Actually, I think if I were in his shoes, I'd be as resentful.. I don't know. I'm glad he turned out nothing like his dad. In fact, in a 2010 poll, he was actually voted Best Celebrity Dad, ahead of even Barack Obama. :)

So it seems like I'm approaching Eminem's latest album one song at a time. Today I've been looping and listening to track #11 Stronger Than I Was. It's an atypical song for him -- for one, he sang half the song (kinda like what he did on Hailie's Song). He usually gets a lot of flak for singing, and he's admitted as many times that his singing isn't up to par, but to my untrained ears, it's pretty decent, not great, but.. well, it sounds like him, singing, so yeah, it's cool. Maybe it's just me. I like his voice. Sometimes I play his interviews just to hear him talk. Although he often comes off angry when he sings, I find his talking voice soothing and assuring. Maybe it's just me. Anyway, I love this song from the first listen. There's something to it that I can't put my finger on. It feels familiar and foreign at the same time, and I found comfort in that contradiction. I also think his untrained vocal vibed hints of vulnerability and earnestness, and all that made this work. Maybe it's just me.

Some commenters have said that this song was written from his ex-wife's Kim's POV, especially the first part, but I think it vacillates between the two of them. You know, I do sympathize with him in that the two main women figures in his life were of very volatile personalities. I'm not excusing his misogynistic expressions (I feel like I'm doing that every time I try to justify him, but that's not my intention), but having seen the pattern of his trust being violated over and over again, I feel he deserved a break. And he got it. Should he have risen above that after all these years? It would have made an inspiring tale if he has, but the story isn't over yet, right? Anyway, he has mended his relationship with Kim since, and they are now able to work seamlessly as a team of parents to their kids. He's also apologised to her in the previous album in Going Through Changes so I guess it's all good at this point...

Hailie this one is for you, Whitney and Alaina too,
I still love your mother, that'll never change,
think about her every day, we just could never get it together.
hey, wish there was a better way, for me to say it,
but I swear on everything, I'd do anything for her on any day.
there are just too many things, to explain, when it rains,
guess it pours, yes it does, wish there wasn't any pain.
but I can't pretend there ain't, I ain't placing any blame,
I ain't pointing fingers, heaven knows I've never been a saint.
I know it just feels like we just pissed away our history,
but just today, I looked at your picture, almost if to say,
I miss you self consciously, wish it didn't end this way.
but I just had to get away, don't know why,
I don't know what else to say, I guess I'm.. [going through changes]

eminem :: going through changes

But wait, that's not the song I was talking about. It's this one below - do check it out! :) So far, so good, so hmm, what song should I check out next? A bit apprehensive cos I don't wanna break the streak haha!

and I thank you cause you made me a better person than I was

but I hate you cause you drained me, I gave you all, you gave me none

but if you blame me, you're crazy and after all that's said and done

I'm still angry, yeah, I maybe, I may never trust someone

eminem :: stronger than I was

Mm btw I'm falling ill again (got sick a few days in Taiwan too), and I'm traveling again tomorrow to Miri, so say a prayer for me please.

A final parting thought, I've been thinking about this guy (a friend of some friends) who recently died a hero. He was an outdoor enthusiast and operated his own adventure company. He died saving one of his clients from drowning, and his death was apparently a great loss to many. I've read a few testimonies (this for one) about what an awesome person he was, and the many lives that has touched and helped and saved over the years, in church and wherever else he was. Everyone agreed that he lived his life to the fullest and was a commendable steward of that life he was given. He was only 42 and left behind his wife and two kids and I guess the inevitable question on everyone's mind is why the Lord took him home so soon. He wasn't the first person whose departure warranted this question, but I guess it had to be asked. And as expected, God remains silent. Sigh~

I've often wondered how I would be eulogized at my funeral. I don't dream of greatness at all, but I want my life to count for something. I'll leave it to God to decide what that something is, and I pray that I will be faithful when it's entrusted to me.

Eminem's 8th studio album, The Marshall Mathers LP 2, dropped today! He's said that this was a continuation and a revisit of his critically acclaimed album from 2000, in the sense that "...on the first Marshall Mathers LP there were some personal things that I addressed and on this record there are some chapters that I wanted to close. [..] It’s more about going back to the basics of hip-hop and some fundamentals in that sense." [via]

Perhaps to make it obvious, both albums share a similar cover, that of the house he grew up in in Detroit. But content- and sound-wise at first impression, they vary quite a bit, and I think that's just awesome! I'm all for artists taking different creative and sound directions in their new albums because the last thing I want is for them to give me the same thing over and over again. I mean, I'm all for comfort and familiarity but if you are going to repackage the same stuff, I might as well listen to the old albums right?

Four of the songs have been released as singles previously (Berzerk, Survival, Rap God and Monster feat. Rihanna), and I love them all! Brand me a die-hard fan, but I really do! :P  He's received a lot of criticism for the songs, but really, I think most of the haters are just complaining for the sake of complaining (on the other hand, it is I who probably should stop reading them). But I guess expectations are high because he named the album after his most well-received one, but I don't get why people want him to sound like and come off a replica of himself 13 years ago -- I prefer to see both albums as bookends of his life then and now, and when you listen to everything from then and now, you're elevated to a vantage point where you could see the story of his life panned out and see how far along he has come and understand him better (this goes the same when we evaluate any other artists' body of works).

Anyway, I've pre-ordered the album on iTunes a week ago (yup, while I was traveling in Taiwan -- photos here! =) and was counting down the days for its release, so yeah, am happy it's Nov 5! Well, it leaked onto the Internet on Halloween, but I resisted checking it out until today (I'm stubborn in the most unnecessary way, I know). I got the clean (of course haha!) deluxe version which came with 21 songs. Twenty one! For USD9.99. The prudent chinaman in me is well-pleased at the what a value-for-money this deal was hahah!

Anywayyyy, while I should be checking out all the songs (I really want to!), I haven't been able to because I'm stuck on listening to this one song: Headlights feat. Nate Ruess, a song Em wrote for his estranged mom, apologizing for the past. The two have a turbulent history and she was prominently targeted in many of his earlier songs when he was venting and ranting and screaming about everything in his life. He had said and rapped some really hurtful stuff, justified or not, against her, so I'm glad he's reached the point in his life where he could offer a song like this as a tribute and an apology. I'm really touched at the heartfelt words and I really wish he would be able say this to her face to face one day, and they would reconcile.. Btw Nate Ruess did a wonderful job on his part too. Everything came together so nicely..

So yeah, I'm getting back to the song. I'll probably write again when I get to #21. xoxo.

once you pulled up in our drive one night as we were leaving to get some hamburgers
me, her and Nate, we introduced you, hugged you
and as you left I had this overwhelming sadness come over me
as we pulled off to go our separate paths, and I saw your headlights as I looked back
and I'm mad I didn't get the chance to thank you for being my Mom and my Dad
so Mom, please accept this as a tribute I wrote this on the jet

eminem :: headlights

41!

guilty pleasures.

I stumbled upon something Jon Foreman wrote back in 2010 which was tongue-in-cheek but hit the nail right on the head on the subject. In his article for Huff Post, Outside the Fences, he started off with:

Guilty Pleasures: the phrase alone implies a form of aesthetic righteousness. Your personal preferences (unique and subjective by definition), are kept in line by a higher standard of objective good (as defined by the community). The experts have agreed upon art that is right and superior. [..] Your joy is shameful; your pleasures are guilty. Scandalous even. [..] You have succumbed to your tasteless tastes: this is contraband art.

I suppose we feel the heat because in the court of "discerning" hoi polloi, we have been found guilty of liking something that's perceived as unsophisticated, uncultured or even crude. In fact, I'm not a defendant here, for I too have a seat on the judicial panel and I have my own standards of what's good and praiseworthy and what's not, and I exert the highest expectations on myself and sometimes others to adhere to and uphold those benchmarks and principles. And that, while being somewhat true (it's an ISFP trait), is also basically a bunch of bollocks. For who among us has not find joy reveling in some sort of lowbrow fun, be it smutty novels or questionable fashion choices or eyebrow-raising music taste? Hello!

Yesterday, J told me she was listening songs from That That, a defunct 90s English pop boy band, and she was "smiling [and] laughing like an idiot, thinking back on my adolescent craze" and having "goosebumps from the CHEESINNESSSSS", but how she "pored over them, every cassette tape, poster, magazine, video tape.. their voices not even good! except for Robbie Williams". Lol, what a load of cheese AND corn we use to consume right?

He looked exactly like this 20 years ago.

So last night I was inspired by that to look up my first celeb crush who inspired me to pick up Mandarin: Jimmy Lin. I tended to avoid talking about him for the longest time because I felt my joy was "shameful" as per Jon's words, but it's been 20 years, we've all moved on. Man, 20 years! And the dude looked like he hasn't aged a day! Haha, the same goes to LH and Em and everyone who hit jackpot with their gene pool. 

Anyway, I searched YouTube for the first song I knew from him: 今年夏天 (lit. This Year's Summer) from his sophomore album which launched his singing career, Summer of '92. I don't remember how I knew of him, but I remember going to the music shop and buying the cassette. It might have been one of the first albums, if not the first, I owned. I'd just became a teenager and he was this super cute 17 years old 陽光男孩 (lit. sunshine boy) and I developed the hugest crush for him lol!

And yes, the songs were cheesy and the lines so corny and the tunes so sappy and the feel so 90s and his voice could use more lessons, but the flood of nostalgia swept me away back to my awkward pimply-faced years like no time machine could. I'm amazed I could still sing along to some of the songs. Being a lyrics person that I was and still am, it bugged me back then that I didn't know what I was singing. So I painstakingly copied every word from the lyrics sleeve and approached my mom many times over for its meaning and how to read it. I didn't dare to show her the source of those words because I knew she wouldn't approve (not because of who it was, but because a cassette would have been deemed a frivolous purchase and my parents frown upon such).

It was tiresome at first because I didn't know most of the words, which meant I would have probably written down most if not all of the lyrics, but copying each character really helped in catching and recognizing it. I suppose by his third or fourth album, I didn't have to go to my mom that frequently, but I think it was around the first or second album when she asked me, "Where are these words from? Did someone send you a love letter??" LOL! I was incredulous at first because it never crossed my mind that it could appear as such, but really, it was word after word from sappy love songs.... can't fault her for her 1+1. She must be relieved to know that I was just learning to read words to sing along. Hehe!

This is an old pic, but cld pass off as current.

I also remember having a lyrics book where I'd translate all his songs into pinyin so that it's easier for me to sing along. That book was my pride. It also helped that he released one to two albums a year to remain relevant so there was always something new to look forward to (many pop artists still do, which erm, kinda say something about the quality of the songs/production *cough*). And then there were the magazines and posters and photos... we had no YouTube, no celeb gossip websites, no instant access to the latest news, and I had no English content to pour over, but these are mere bumps to a determined fan in her track. I also had a ring file of all the articles from magazines and newspapers I could get my hand on (they were all in Chinese) to keep up with everything Jimmy.

So yeah, that was my foray into fangirling, and it was really quite a thrilling ride. After a few years, he went into Taiwan's compulsory military training for its youth and was out of the media spotlight for a couple of years which was long enough for wean me myself off him. I never got back on the ride after he made a comeback, but I don't think anyone took his place in terms of having me pour in the kind of energy and time, until Leehom came along last year when I was reigniting my desire to learn Chinese. Interestingly, Leehom started his entertainment career only about 3-4 years after Jimmy, but I only took notice of him some 17 years later. I guess I'm not an early adopter. Haha!

Mm, Leehomania has died down quite a bit now that Em's in the picture, but I did learn a number of new Chinese characters over the course of 18 months (thereabout) so it was time well-spent. Well, with Leehom's new album underway, I suppose there's still room to absorb more. And if you're wondering if Em's influenced me in any way, he did, for my writing.. you may or may not have noticed that my recent posts are lengthier, where I also try to inject more assonance into my prose.

The answer is yes, as in yes it would kill him to smile. 

Speaking of Leehom, I'm building up really high expectations for his upcoming album and I'm worried I'm setting myself up for disappointment. It's his first album after he went independent of Sony, his previous label for the longest time, which means he has full control of the kinda songs he wants to put out. I could only hope that means fresh and new sounds, and fewer corny ballads (I know he still needs to have those to satiate market demand, but please Leehom, please let them be good). And I don't know if this is asking for too much, I hope the lyrical content of the album are also of a higher standard and covers a broader perspective of life than just the romantic aspect of it. You can see why I could be setting myself up to be let down, but I'll give him the benefit of doubt. And speaking of album, Em's eighth studio effort, The Marshall Mathers LP 2, is set to be in store on Nov 5 (yes, my calendar's marked :) No news on the release date of LH's album yet.

So yeah, guilty pleasures. They add such wonderful swirls of colours into one's life, so how could we not love them? So let's just go ahead and indulge sans guilt. We can save the condemnation for things that are actually hurtful or harmful. Cheers!

kindred spirit.

I'm suppressing a hearty laughter as I type this, because I just found out that.......................... Eminem is an ISFP like me! Hahahaha!

I had kinda suspected it (can't help it when you are absorbing so much information about one person, it makes you just want to slap a label on them so that you can manage and cope with the inflow of info, and that was when I kinda saw a reflection of myself in him which led me to believe that we share similar traits)(not something I'm proud or ashamed of, it's just who I am) but never thought to google it to confirm my assessment until just now.

So, according to this (and this comment in particular) and this, Em and I are kindred spirit. I think I just melted a lil. But then again, it's not all too surprising because many artists are ISFP -- that's what ISFP is known as: The Artist. There are also arguments for other personality types (particularly INFJ or INTJ)(personally I don't think he's N, but to each her own) but still, this is exciting and I'm excited so let me have my moment! ^_^ Okay, I'm still laughing (more like chuckling, aloud, but there's no one around so it's not awkward).

Oh and by the same measures, I'm fairly certain that Leehom is an ESTJ. Differing opinions are welcome. Btw they are the only two popular figures who I can somewhat claim to have an insight into their psyche because I've watched and heard and read them in many, many interviews.. more than I care to admit haha!

polarity.

As I laid on the floor of my living hall, feeling the coolness of the terrazzo on my back, bopping my head and tapping my feet to Em's latest single Berzerk, I chuckled as I thought about how my 35-year-old capricious self would even begin to explain this current craze to my 25-yo austere self. The latter would definitely freak out knowing that I could be so enamored by such a controversial and polarizing figure, or that I would subject myself to such profanity over and over. Oh the horror.

How do I explain being able to overlook all the vulgarities, the irreverence, the pugnacity, all the things that I was (am) against and could not stand, to say that I actually get a kick out of this? How do I explain that I perceive something more... substantial, perhaps more meaningful, than what the surface suggests when I can't even conceptualize it? How do I explain that this is okay and no one needs to worry when I'm not sure? How do I justify this turnabout? Did I lose my way, or did I find myself? How does this fit in with my faith and where is God in this? Am I ignorantly or willingly defying some social or religious precepts? What kind of limits am I testing? Why is it that I'm not able to brush away the guilty feeling from breathing down my neck, and yet have the confidence that I'll be vindicated? Foolish pride or defiant hope?

If anything, I owe myself an explanation. And I'm working on it. My internal system has been slogging and chugging away like an over-wound steampunk engine the past two weeks, collecting and compiling every relevant bit of data, scrambling to run them by my values and belief; aggressively debating, attacking and defending all sides. I'm left feeling so consumed, so drained, and yet so thrilled and so gratified, but ultimately, still without an answer. I must say that I'm quite adept at driving myself up the walls.

Well, there must be an explanation. I don't know who or what or where you are, I will track you and I will find you and I will look you in the eyes and you'll tell me why. Or... I'll just wait till this blows over and something else takes his place and promptly forget about this. 

wabi sabi.

unforeseen autumn

wabi sabi, flawed beauty

lose myself.. in bliss

'Tis my first attempt at haiku, dedicated to my unlikeliest of muses.
I'll heave a sigh of relief when this season ends, only because...

weave for me.

I am taking a quick breather from the intense week-long musical journey into hip hop that had me reading like tomes of lines and lyrics and wiki entries and feature articles and interviews... sampai mata dan telingaku berbunga dan berdarah (nonsensical Malay words). I've got so much new info gleaned and compressed and crammed into my brain that I'm sure I'm going to implode soon if I don't find a cathartic outlet. For real. Anyone got an ear to lend?

And oh oh OH, in the moments just before I fell asleep last night, I suddenly remembered what the what was i.e. the trigger to this googling compulsion: it was this video. The narrator was showing how formidable Eminem's rhyming skill is based on the Oscar-winning song Lose Yourself (from his 8 Mile movie), and what I saw just blew me away. Because you know how much I love wordplay and Em is certainly in a class of his own. He's hailed a genius lyricist by his peers and critics alike (mighty impressive for a 9th grade dropout). How could I not be intrigued? Yes, I have a soft spot for wordsmiths.. *sighs*

But, enough of Em for now, give me a moment to compose myself for the sake of my sanity. In the meantime, I'll just bring Jon Foreman into the picture, since we are on the topic of amazing lyricists. Jon weaves some of the most beautiful tapestries of words, and you just want to lose yourself in them for hours on end.

Ah, to enjoy and be moved by well selected words set to melody, I'm so grateful I'm alive!

Life is a gift like fresh cut roses

Cut from the branch and brought inside

It’s a slow contradiction that’s beauty in a vase

When the cords are cut that’s when we start to die

Lately death and life get so confusing

I can’t tell the difference here tonight

Lately every breath feels like I’m kissing death

And when time is dead I cease to be alive

If you hide yourself deep inside, deep inside

In time you’ve got nothing left to hide

There’s nothing left inside

Tonight, honey I am gonna break your heart

Mine was broken from the start, broken from the start

Choice is the only thing we’re given

For one will live, another dies

One road says hello the other says goodbye

And the roads that you don’t choose begin to die

They won’t pay a cent to hear you laughing

They might pay a little to hear you cry

If you do it long enough they might even pay attention

But they still won’t pay respect until you die

Jon Foreman - Broken From The Start

perplexed.

My day didn't end too well yesterday. Something I have been hoping and praying for didn't happen, and I was pretty disappointed. And now I'm stuck with a decision that I had hoped I didn't have to consider: to stay or to go. Deep down I kinda know what I want to do, I just don't know if I'm willing to pay the price (lit. and fig.) or if it's going to be worthwhile. I am much perplexed. :(

Sorry, please don't mind me. Let's talk about something else that's been preoccupying me: I can't convincingly articulate my current obsession with Em(inem), and I'm still apprehensive to declare that I'm a fan (I realise that I'm doing it here, but this is my safe space).

I find myself all at once repulsed by and drawn to his persona, it's confusing, it's driving me up the wall. (Interestingly, I actually know someone whom I care for who kinda makes me feel like this, so while it's not an alien feeling, it still pretty much begs insight.)

What is it? How did that happen? What was the trigger? A passing comment? A random image? Repressed curiosity? I really don't remember what, but I kinda remember when, and the ensuing Googling frenzy. It's Leehomania all over again, no kidding, although it's to a lesser degree, only because I found his younger self to be callous and immature and I really don't like that so I don't really go around poking at his earlier years.  

And speaking of Leehom, I don't know how I ended up with another celeb crush (ergh did I just say that??)(I like the alliterative quality tho' =) who's at the other end of the spectrum: LH is spotless to a fault, and Em is as flawed as they come. Maybe it's a yin-yang *cough* thing.

Anyway, I think the years have done him some good (and frankly added nothing to his face -- this 40yo could pass off a decade younger!), especially when he decided to clean up, so I'm just going to stick around to see what he has next.

So what do I like about Em? I'm going to do a cop-out explanation here because Elton John (who performed with Em on the brilliantly written Stan at the 2001 Grammys) said it here better than I could:

He tells stories in such a powerful and distinctive way. As a lyricist, he's one of the best ever. Eminem does for his audience what Dylan did for his: He writes how he feels. His anger, vulnerability and humor come out. That's why we look forward to listening to Eminem's lyrics and finding out where the hell he's headed next.

Eminem lives, sleeps and breathes music — he's a bit like me in that respect. He's pretty much a recluse. I think he's enthralled with what he's doing; he's intimately involved with his art. There's a mystique about him.

Word.

Do I find the coarse language disturbing? Yeah, every F-bomb (even the bleeped out ones) still assaults and hits me with the same impact as the one before. I haven't decided what to make of that or how to manage it better. Can I justify his past behaviours, the things he's said, be they said under the influence or the effect of his upbringing or everything else thrown at him? I can't, so I kept doing this and it's eating at me, I'm tired:

...the ISFP [is] constantly gathering specific information and shifting it through their value systems, in search for clarification and underlying meaning.

For now I'm still cherry picking his songs (srsly, I don't think my heart could handle all his songs).. and there are a few that I kept going back to the past few days, this being one of it.

This is You're Never Over, written for his best friend Proof who was needlessly shot dead in a pub brawl seven years ago. To say that Em was devastated could be an understatement. It drove him further into the black hole of depression and pill addiction, before he managed to pull himself together and clean up, and he spent four whole years to find the right words and sound and beat to convey how he really felt about the loss. I think he did a superb job, because listening to this song has been such a visceral experience; I'm deeply moved every single time. What can I say, I'm a sucker for bromance.. :')

Update 26/9/13: I just want to add Em's thought about this song, transcribed from this interview.

Well, for me this is the most important song off the record, on the CD, because for the simple fact that everything that happened, it's a dedication to Proof. It's one of those records that I tried I had several attempts at making, it was like every attempt just wasn't good enough, you know it's one of those things.. I tried a bunch of records and it was just didn't work, it was like, this is not good enough, the rhyme's not crazy enough, the beat's not crazy enough, it was one of those things that when I finally got it, I felt like, thank you, thank you God for giving me the strength to be able to write this record, and make it feel like it doesn't.. you know, it's me singing in the chorus, and I'm certainly not a singer, but I think that as long as the emotions are there.. nah ** that, i'm a singer, i'm a ** singer.. It's one of those moments on the record when I feel like I finally did Proof some kinda justice by being able to put that together and just dump my heart on the record, and it was one of those things when it got to the end of the record I really didn't even care about making the rhyme crazy, I just wanted to say it.

stranger things have happened.

Sometimes we find ourselves gravitating towards something, someone that at a glance seems to be totally out of character for us. Upon closer scrutiny however, we might recognize a pattern; how we always find ourselves attracted to the same object in different forms, drawn to the same person with different names, prone to the same mistake with different excuses, and we realize that this is who we are. And to that, we'll have to decide if we are comforted or disordered to find ourselves in the same place again.

(But you'd have to walk a thousand miles) in my shoes, 

just to see what it's like, to be me, 

I'll be you, let's trade shoes, 

just to see what it'd be like to feel your pain, 

you feel mine, go inside each other's minds, 

just to see what we find, 

look at s*** through each other's eyes.