掙扎

要怎么样為世界所有的悲劇祈禱。

The missing contacts saga

I don't really want to dwell on this because it's given me much heart ache over the past few days, but let it be recorded that I lost all my contacts from my iPhone after I tried to save them to iCloud. I don't want to recap what I've done to try to restore it, or why my backup didn't help, or how much time I spent with all the parties who could have helped (I'm too tired to do that now), I'm just devastated that they were unretrievable.

For a scatter-brained person like me, I had kept meticulous records so that I could have access to those info at my literal finger tips. The loss is very painful and I'm not kidding. I am aware that the world didn't end because of this and in the grand scheme of things, this is by far inconsequential. But I would prefer not to talk about this anymore. D*** you, iCloud.

it was a dark and stormy night..

I made a remark a couple of times the past few days, but the thought has bugged me for a long time. It's a guilt that every once in a while pokes me, whether I am idle or busy. And while I really want to just do it so that I could ease the uneasiness, I don't. It's maddening.

It's like this: You see, I haven't been reading. Or rather, I have not completed a book in at least five months. FIVE LONG DRY MONTHS. I've been conveniently distracted (most recently by you-know-who wink*wink); but it's just an excuse I guess. I started a few books, but as of now I've no idea where they are. I'm sure they miss me. The stack of books from the last big bad wolf sale sits forlornly on my couch, ignored, unloved. And I can't buy new books without that condemning voice in my head jeering at me. Woe is me!

I really miss those nights being curled up in my reading chair, turning pages until sleep won over my consciousness. I miss having wonderful images and a movie unfolding in my head as I thumb the pages. I miss the excitement and sense of achievement of updating my read list each time I flip the last page of a book. I miss the feel of a book in my hand. I miss reading.

...

*bangs imaginery table*

This will not do! Rawr!! (Or should that be a meek meow? Haha!)

By Cap'n Hook or crook, I will finish a book by month end or Bob is not my uncle!! Rawr!!

Intermission III

I've no scheduled post for tonight.

Didn't manage to finish the one I was working on, as I am not in the mood for love.. *coy* I'm referring to the recurring theme in the songs I've been listening  to lately, of course.

It's Friday again tomorrow. Wasn't it just Sunday yesterday? But well, I'm somewhat resigned to be continually confounded by frivolous questions like that.

I'm listening to Switchfoot's Life, Live and Why. It's my thoughts perfectly encased in two verses and a chorus. Good ol' Jon, I can always count on his music or his words when I indulge in existential thoughts. Ah, thinking, a luxury afforded to the bourgeois*! Even when we are so undeserving!

Day and night and a decade has passed

Hello and goodbye and you breathe your last

Rhyme and reason but you're a mess

Catch the only ride out on hope express

That would be the first verse of my song should I write one. The only writing I'll be doing now will be 選擇 (trad.) and 选择 (simp.) [xuan ze; choose, decide].

life and love and why
child, adult, then die
all of your hoping
and all of your searching
for what?
ask me for what am I living
or what gives me strength
that I'm willing to die for

take away from me

this monstrosity

'cause my futile thinking's

not gonna solve nothing tonight

ask me for what am I living

or what gives me strength

that I'm willing to die for.

switchfoot :: life, love and why

* haven't seen this word since Wild Swans (or some novels in that genre) 

a mother in mourning. a friend in sorrow.

he's always told me that he never fit in anywhere. in school, his friends were mainly chinese speaking guys so he could never really understand them; in varsity he just drifted quietly from one lecture hall to another; and his first job - how he hated it! but when he came to this job, he actually found a lunch group. a LUNCH GROUP! and he always talked about you, M. the connection he had with you.

...

just the other day he spoke about you again. he said, mom, you know my friend M, he's so savvy. he actually reads company reports in his free time! i wonder what he thinks of me. i have no idea what i want to do with my life, i'm just drifting along..

a loss resonating deeply within me.

every lament is a love song

yesterday, yesterday

I still can't believe you're gone

so long my friend, so long

switchfoot :: yesterdays