I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. -Maya Angelou

I would like to think that I strive to do that... at least with the people I love and care about... sometimes. Argh, I started the day chirpy and high, but passing through a low phase now. Come and calm these raging seas.

Declined to explore a career opportunity today. Feels like it isn't time yet. Ranted about Miss Nomer (lol yes, still beating that dead horse, for fun) last night to a bunch of strangers. "One thing that got to me was I felt like she has derailed my career path". As soon as those words left my mouth, I realised that it was time to stop using that as an excuse. And one of them, a twice-failed start-up entrepreneur told me that I shouldn't let that past stop me from trying out. I already knew that but I really appreciated it. And to him I said, Third time will be a charm. Mark my words. *big smile* I truly believed that for him and hope that it'd encouraged him a little.



Medic - Come Close

Come close to me, let everything fall away
Take me now to secret places deep inside my heart
Come close to me, come and calm these raging seas
I'm feeling dry and weary but you said you're all i need

Love, do you believe in me?
I find it so hard to see you here, I find it so hard to see
You know, you know, you know
I've been circling round these creeping doubts
But i know that you can save me now
I know that you can save me

Time has got ahold of me, these bones are breaking but this heart will be
Hearing every promise made to me of what is yet to come
I'll break these ties belief is everything I recognize
To light the fire caught inside our eyes
We'll be the ones in time

Sunday evening ramblings

The Malaysia vs Japan Thomas Cup final is on right now, and I'm too kan cheong to watch. So I'm listening to the faint commentary from the TV in the living room from my bedroom, and maybe I'll go down every now and then to check the score. I don't deal with this kinda stress well haha, plus although I shouldn't think this, I feel my watching would jinx my favorite team.

***
I'm listening to cover versions of Japanese anime tunes by one particular YouTuber. For some reason, it feels appropriate haha! Am I subconsciously for the Japs? Not in the least. But the songs are calming, the dude's got a great voice.

Did you know that I have a Japanese name? It's 朝子 (Asako, lit. child of the morning, yes, a misnomer to the max haha but wait, I was born in the morning so it's kinda apt). My Jap teacher gave it to me back when I was 14 - everyone in class got one. I also remember there was this tall dude with the MOST PERFECT handwriting, be it his kanji, hiragana, katakana and even his roman alphabet. Don't remember his face or his name (mm Alex?) though.

But imagine that, once upon a time, I was able to string basic Japanese sentences. How about that! :)

***
I haven't read for months, and it sucks. I don't know where my reading mojo went, but I've hardly touched any books for so long I can't remember the last book I was reading. Sigh~ I'm so sorry booksies.

***
The score so far: Chong Wei bagged us the first point with a straight win over the Jap first single player. The doubles are playing, and they have won the first set, but trailing in the second. I can't take this!!

***
Oh let me story you about the ah long (illegal creditors) nuisance that has been plaguing my brothers since last week. My bro got a nasty welcome home gift when he got back to JB from our baby bro's KL wedding, in form of two cans of red and yellow paint splashed onto the porch area. There was a 2-piece note with the targeted victim's IC photo and another of the electricity bill bearing the previous owner's name to show us that he got the right house. So my bros made a police report and put up notices on the gate to tell the ah long that they got the wrong person. My sil even texted the fella to let him know, but whaddya you, he won't believe it. And let typed a long string of curses upon the family wtf. Nak kan aku fly down to JB, look the fella up and wring his puny neck. Grrrr.. Okay I can't do anything but get riled up, and that's so frustrating! The latest news is that their new neighbor is also "in the business", and my bros have spoken to him and he said that the amount (RM3k) is too little for regular ah long to be bothered with paint job so ergh I don't know if he's gonna help. Please stay tuned for updates.

***
So we lost the first doubles. The hubby thinks we're going to lose. NOOOOOO! I don't know what's going on at the match. I'll just wait for the final results to be out. *takes a deep breath*

***
My boss wants to see me tmrw for me to update him on the department's activities and progress. While he's a great guy, we don't interact often, and that makes me gelabah gila. I think I'm pretty sensitive to comments, and I'm sure whatever that's going to be said will be replayed in head for a while.

***
Annnd we lost the second single. But there's hope yet so don't give up, team!!

***
Woot, 2-2! OH MY HEART. Could this be? Or.... Argh. SO KAN CHEONG. I don't have a good feeling about this, BUT one should hope! Brr..

***
I brought myself to watch the final set. It was intense. It was nail biting. I thought my heart almost stopped. It was awesome. And it didn't hurt that Ueda is cute! :D

***
My FB status says it all: So close, yet so far. Good game, everyone! Congrats Japan woot! A well-deserved win. Thanks for trying your best, Team Malaysia!

Good night, folks!

a perfect weekend

I practically live for the weekend, but don't all of us corporate slaves do? I have a strict no-work weekend (with exceptions when urgent matters come about of course)(a bit guilty about this rule cos it's not like I pour everything into work during the week--Exhibit A: most Fridays). I used to be out and about on the weekends esp with church stuff for years but these days, a perfect weekend goes something like this:

Fri night - staying up til 3am catching up on my favorite TV shows
Sat morning/noon - brunch with hubby (if he's in) or sleeping in till noon (if he's out/traveling)
Sat afternoon/evening* - no tuition, pottering about the house, cleaning or meeting up with the girls
Sat night - church and/or dinner with hubby and/or best buds
Sun morning/noon - mamak breakfast before church, quick lunch and then coffee and desserts
Sun evening - quick nap on my cool living room floor and then dinner with parents
Sun night - lazing around at home, preferably not having to dread Mon morn

*bonus for Saturday if hubby's not around: not having to talk to anyone until evening (Whatsapp's okay) - I've had a few "silent Saturdays" and they were awesome!



Priscilla Ahn - A Good Day (Morning Song)

Morning, sunrise, open my eyes,
And I can tell it's gonna be a good day,
I can tell it's gonna be a good day

Did you sleep well? Did you dream at all?
Can you tell me the time on the the alarm clock?
I can tell it's gonna be a good day
I can tell it's gonna be a good day

But you can sleep in, you just keep dreamin' for us
I can tell it's gonna be a good day
I can tell it's gonna be a good day

A good day...

and the moment's magic swept us away.. and it’s so close, but we’re so far away.

I can't say how glad I am for online messaging systems. They allow socially inept folks like me to have decent conversations, sometimes even coming across as fascinating and funny and yay, intelligent! I'm the kind who would be googling for meaning of words and phrases as I chat, and I'm ashamed to admit that there were so many times that the words I'd wanted to use didn't mean what I thought they did, and when that happens, it all the more makes me not want to speak in real life, because what if I used all the wrong words and bring shame to my familyyy.

Drama aside, I had a good day today. It's quite something when introverts find each other. I played career counselor to some young cikus. I'm far from qualified of course. I only have my age going for me, and my jaded view of life, and my non-ambitiousness. I hope they didn't see through that. But chatting with them really made my day!

Side-tracking, Leehom is holding a concert here in September. And I realised that I wasn't sure if I want to go. On one hand, that would mean that I'd cross off my "Attend one concert" list for this year, but on the other hand... I'm afraid it'd just be Music Man 2 Part 2 again. I don't see the point of that. But anyway, the fan club is doing pre-order but there's no special discount which means that I could decide later. Plus I'm looking forward to Beijing in September too! One thing that would help make a decision is if he would release a new album before then.

It's hard for me to admit that my passion for LH is waning. It's just me returning to the kind of music lover that I was previously -- the lyrics kind. And his, sadly, didn't really stick. Maybe that's why I was so into Em in my withdrawal stage haha.. I also think what happened with Leehom was that I genuinely overdosed on him. I should have paced myself, but hello, tell a fangirl that and she'd stare right back at you blankly. So yeah, right now let's say I'm in between fangirling.

Change topic. I don't know how not to get riled up at every other thing. Especially those things happening locally that you read in the newspaper. I just can't fathom.. argh! I don't want to do this now. If I were an Avenger, I'd totally be the Hulk. Boo hoo.

Anyway, I was looking for my Friday anthem, and I settled on Mae. I wish they had made it big, they are so talented! But so was everyone else I guess. Sigh~ Listening to them always bring me so much feels. Xoxo.

Mae - We're So Far Away

Remembering, everything, about my world and when you came

Wondering, the change you’d bring, means nothing else would be the same

Did you know, what you were doing, did you know?

Did you know how you would move me? Well, I don’t really think so

But the night came down and swept us away, and the stars they seemed to paint the most elaborate scene today

How could we know? that song, this show, we'd learn so much about ourselves

From Toledo, to Tokyo, the words were scribbled on every page, and now there’s books up on our shelves

Did you know how you would move us, did you know?

When the lights first came upon us and we saw The Everglow

And the moment's magic swept us away and the young mans dream was almost seen so plain.

When was the night that showed us the sign?

Revealed in the sky, to leave all behind

But where to begin? throwing caution to the wind,

We reached for the stars, everything was now ours.

Did you know how you would move me, did you know?

Did you know how you would move me? well, I don’t even think so.

but the moment's magic swept us away and it’s so close, but we’re so far away

It’s so close, but we’re so far away

It's late afternoon on a Friday, and so far it's been a no-frills day of conversations that didn't really hold and a press release waiting to be written. Speaking of which, I should get to it. Here's my song for the day. Ah Jon, you could do no wrong in my eyes. *heart*




Been fighting things that I can't see, like voices coming from the inside of me and
Like doing things I find hard to believe in, am I myself or am I dreaming?
I've been awake for an hour or so, checking for a pulse but I just don't know
Am I a man when I feel like a ghost? The stranger in the mirror is wearing my clothes

No, I'm not alright, I know that I'm not right
A steering wheel don't mean you can drive, a warm body don't mean I'm alive
No, I'm not alright, I know that I'm not right
Feel like I travel but I never arrive, I wanna thrive not just survive

I come alive when I hear you singing, But lately I haven't been hearing a thing and
I get the feeling that I'm in between, a machine and a man who only looks like me
I try and hide it and not let it show, but deep down inside me I just don't know
Am I a man when I feel like a hoax? The stranger in the mirror is wearing my clothes

Switchfoot :: Thrive

#darkesttimeline
— Joel McHale (@joelmchale) May 9, 2014

About the only thing that could be worse in TVland than HIMYM's finale right about this time is the cancellation of Community. Which happened. I had feared it for years, and for the first time, I actually thought that this little show would finish the race, so I was practically stunned into silence when the news dropped on me. I went straight into denial and then onto Tumblr, where fangirls/boys be. There weren't that much noise generated. Made a feeble attempt on Twitter to get Netflix to pick the show up for a final season, as they had done for Arrested Development. Turned out that that wasn't going to happen. Hmm. I don't know how not to form emotional bonds with things like these. So yeah, I'll deal with this somehow. Should I hold my breath for a knight in shining armour? That kinda thing still happens, right?

Give me some rope, tie me to dream

Give me the hope to run out of steam

Somebody said, it can be here

We could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year

I can’t count the reasons I should stay

One by one they all just fade away

The 88 – At Least It Was Here

Eminem released the Spike Lee-directed music video for Headlights on Mother’s Day today. It's a heartfelt song in which he apologizes to his mom for all the hate he's spewed about her in his past music, and it's one of my most played songs off his MMLP2 album.

Honestly I thought the video was kinda underwhelming. Maybe my expectations were misplaced, but hmm. I also didn't like having the Debbie Mathers stand-in. It kinda reminded me of how fake it felt when "Elton John" and "Dr Dre" appeared on the MV for Monster. I would have loved if Nate Ruess had actually appeared in the video, and if not that, that they didn't cut off some of his solo, especially the ending. The missing sections of the song just didn't sit right with me.

That said, I could imagine how difficult this song would have been for him to write, so much so that he didn't want to discuss it in any interviews since its release. I was pleasantly surprised when he teased about doing an MV for the song. My favorite parts of the MV were when the photos of him as a kid were shown. He looked so happy and innocent in them, oblivious to the sheer madness his path would eventually be. Knowing what I do about his life, just seeing those photos with Debbie as she flipped through the photo album was really moving.

I hope the process of writing this song has been cathartic for him and that it brought him certain closure. I'm sure Debbie would come to know of this song - she's probably still keeping track of him. I actually hope he is supporting her financially somehow. He has gone through so much since his debut days, and I'm sure the years have mellowed him, or at least gave him a different perspective of life now he's reached where he is. I often wondered if he'd have another album, but that's musing for another post. It's easy to judge what's happened between the mother-son pair, so I won't. I just hope that one day that they'd be able to put the past behind them, forgive each other and then reconcile for good.

So yeah mm... Happy Mother's Day!




"Headlights" (feat. Nate Ruess)

[Verse 1: Nate Ruess]
Mom, I know I let you down
And though you say the days are happy
Why is the power off, and I'm f***ed up?
And, Mom, I know he's not around
But don't you place the blame on me
As you pour yourself another drink, yeah.

[Hook: Nate Ruess]
I guess we are who we are
Headlights shining in the dark night I drive on
Maybe we took this too far

[Verse 2: Eminem]
I went in headfirst
Never thinking about who what I said hurt, in what verse
My mom probably got it the worst
The brunt of it, but as stubborn as we are
Did I take it too far?
"Cleaning Out My Closet" and all them other songs
But regardless I don't hate you 'cause, Ma,
You're still beautiful to me, 'cause you're my mom
Though far be it from you to be calm, our house was Vietnam
Desert Storm and both of us put together can form an atomic bomb equivalent to chemical warfare
And forever we can drag this on and on but, agree to disagree
That gift from me up under the Christmas tree don't mean s*** to me
You're kicking me out? It's 15 degrees and it's Christmas Eve (little prick just leave)
Ma, let me grab my f***ing coat, anything to have each other's goats
Why we always at each other's throats?
Especially when dad, he f***ed us both
We're in the same f***ing boat, you'd think that it'd make us close (nope)
Further away it drove us, but together headlights shine, a car full of belongings
Still got a ways to go, back to grandma's house it's straight up the road
And I was the man of the house, the oldest, so my shoulders carried the weight of the load
Then Nate got taken away by the state at eight years old,
And that's when I realized you were sick and it wasn't fixable or changeable
And to this day we remained estranged and I hate it though, but

[Hook: Nate Ruess]
I guess we are who we are
Headlights shining in the dark night I drive on
Maybe we took this too far

[Verse 3: Eminem]
'Cause to this day we remain estranged and I hate it though
'Cause you ain't even get to witness your grand babies grow
But I'm sorry, Mama, for "Cleaning Out My Closet", at the time I was angry
Rightfully maybe so, never meant that far to take it though,
'cause now I know it's not your fault, and I'm not making jokes
That song I no longer play at shows and I cringe every time it's on the radio
And I think of Nathan being placed in a home
And all the medicine you fed us
And how I just wanted you to taste your own,
But now the medications taken over
And your mental state's deteriorating slow
And I'm way too old to cry, the shit is painful though
But, Ma, I forgive you, so does Nathan, yo
All you did, all you said, you did your best to raise us both
Foster care, that cross you bear, few may be as heavy as yours
But I love you, Debbie Mathers, oh, what a tangled web we have,
'cause one thing I never asked was where the f*** my deadbeat dad was
F**8 it, I guess he had trouble keeping up with every address
But I'd have flipped every mattress, every rock and desert cactus
Own a collection of maps and followed my kids to the edge of the atlas
Someone ever moved them from me? That you coulda bet your asses
If I had to come down the chimney dressed as Santa, kidnap them
And although one has only met their grandma once
You pulled up in our drive one night as we were leaving to get some hamburgers
Me, her and Nate, we introduced you, hugged you
And as you left I had this overwhelming sadness come over me
As we pulled off to go our separate paths,
And I saw your headlights as I looked back
And I'm mad I didn't get the chance to thank you for being my Mom and my Dad
So, Mom, please accept this as a tribute I wrote this on the jet
I guess I had to get this off my chest,
I hope I get the chance to lay it before I'm dead
The stewardess said to fasten my seat belt, I guess we're crashing
So if I'm not dreaming, I hope you get this message that I'll always love you from afar
'Cause you're my Ma

[Hook: Nate Ruess]
I guess we are who we are
Headlights shining in the dark night I drive on
Maybe we took this too far

[Verse 4: Nate Ruess]
I want a new life (start over)
One without a cause (clean slate)
So I'm coming home tonight (yeah)
Well, no matter what the cost
And if the plane goes down
Or if the crew can't wake me up
Well, just know that I'm alright
I was not afraid to die
Oh, even if there's songs to sing
Well, my children will carry me
Just know that I'm alright
I was not afraid to die
Because I put my faith in my little girls
So I never say, "Goodbye, cruel world."
Just know that I'm alright
I am not afraid to die

[Hook: Nate Ruess]
I guess we are who we are
Headlights shining in the dark night I drive on
Maybe we took this too far

I want a new life

of a few boys.

Was discussing some work with my website servicing consultant this morning, when I found out he was down with some nasty cough and that he was going to leave for home soon after the conversation, and so when I saw that he was still online after about half an hour, I buzzed him.

Hey what are you still doing here!

Finishing everything up at the moment. Since today we have quite a lot of urgent tasks at hand, I could only ever go back at 4 pm the earliest today. :(

Aiyo! :( But you're sick!

Yeah, but I'd much rather take it upon myself to stay here and get things done and sorted out first than to cause trouble for everyone here for leaving early. It really doesn't sit with me too well if that were to happen haha xD So no issue for me I guess, as long as I can stop myself from dropping dead suddenly from all this sneezing :P

Haha you're quite an awesome worker. Your attitude is really commendable. :D But please don't drop dead. It would be quite a hassle getting rid of your body. It's crunch time for your colleagues too so don't be inconsiderate. :P

Haha! Now that you mention it, perhaps I should really leave now. xD I truly believe that if you try your hardest for other people, they will return the favour in one way or another! X) Or even if they don't, at least you know you have done the right thing! :) Alright, time for me to get things sorted out as quick as possible before I really do drop dead, while I still can xD Thanks again and enjoy your day!

Srsly, how many people, especially guys, do you know who type in complete, properly punctuated and correctly capitalised sentences? I think I can count the total of everyone I know who's like that on one hand (A, C, M and A, there ya go). But even I don't chat like that, as I feels it looks too formal but I'm warming up to the practice (it looks weird when I don't, so when in Romeee..)

He and one of his seniors are some of my most favorite people I've worked with. Ever polite, efficient and helpful, I find their bright eyed and bushy tailed attitude so refreshing and their youthful exuberance so infectious -- it's always such a joy to talk to them although it does make me wonder what cynical cow I'm turning into. :D

Anyway, on the opposite end of the mood spectrum, I find this sad sounding song rather soothing. Makes me think about stuff. Hat tip to A for the intro. :)

Oh I might as well put this here cos I lazy to start a new post about it. So I watched the Jersey Boys musical with my regular kaki WW. For some reasons I didn't think of checking out their songs prior, so the enjoyment level was less than optimum. Still enjoyed it though. Did you know that the Four Seasons were the biggest rock group there was before the Beatles? I didn't. And I found it strange that I only knew ONE of their songs (the evergreen Can't Take My Eyes Off You). Shame on me! :P The other songs didn't really stick, except for one called My Eyes Adored You. This musical is about the formative years of the group up until when they found fame and their subsequent unraveling. That bit was sad. I always have a soft spot for friendship-themed productions, so yeah, this left me a little bummed out especially knowing that it was based on real life events. Hmm life's sometimes like that.. you win some, you lose a lot. I saw on FB that there would be a new JB movie directed by Clint Eastwood coming out soon -- would love to catch it in the cinema!

Speaking of JB (are you still reading? lol), one of the most unlikeliest things happened yesterday morning. I listened to a sermon (which I rarely if ever do because I don't like listening to audio of people talking)(that's the main reason why I don't like radio, except for BFM89.9 on my morning drive to work, which is about the only time I catch up on business news lol)(ok, I wasn't really listening to the sermon, just whichever bit I managed to catch while doing other things, like actual work heh).. ANYWAY my point is that this sermon was linked from Twitter.. and the strange bit was that of all the 174 accounts I am currently following, it came from one Justin Bieber. Yes, good ol Biebs. Bizzle. (If you wonder what business have I got following him when his music is nowhere in the same universe as what I like, and his propensity for grating public antics and embarrassing gaffes is ridiculous.. I'm not excusing him in anyway, it's just that hmm, I think on some level I am a tiny bit concerned about him, it's not easy being a kid growing up in such spotlight. So this is like err, I don't know.)

Anyway, the sermon I Was Born For This (linked here) was by Ps Carl Lentz, a very hip looking Hillsong NYC pastor and father of three, I could totally see him chilling out with his kids in his V-neck tee lol. It was not a mind-blowing sermon, if anything I'm sure I've heard a few of its other incarnations, but he sounded like he has his heart in the right place, and I think for some people, especially the kids who were listening to this for the first time, it would definitely give them something to think about, and who knows what could happen from there.. so yeah, JB the social media evangelist, who would have thought right. Given that he's the most followers on Twitter for anyone ever, that's really something that he did. :)

We were born for this http://t.co/LSPWjPD8rb
— Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) April 28, 2014

oh happy day!

I don't usually go around looking for miracles so when it happened right before my very eyes, I can only praise God for his grace and faithfulness. This past Easter weekend was the most special one in my entire Christian life of... 19 years (!).

So....... my sister was baptized. Like, wow.

It happened on a perfect day. The skies was amazingly blue, the sun was beaming proudly, the ocean breeze... hmm, I don't remember it but I'm sure there was some.

We got to the beach at East Coast Park by 9:45am to join 40 other excited and smiling baptism candidates who were already there with family, friends, cell members, everyone who's come to celebrate this momentous occasion. My sister's bff Jane and her sister Glory and mom were also there, together with their cell leader (I can't rber his name) and a few other cell members. I'm so happy they all came to lend support and cheer her on.

Service started with a brief recitation of their commitment to the faith, and then we broke into songs of praise. After that, the candidates were divided into five groups (Sis was in Group 2) to go into the water. Five pairs of youth prayed over each candidate in every group right before their turn to go in to two church leaders who were ready and waiting to baptize each candidate in the of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.

So I witness as the waves gently crashed onto her feet as she tread surefootedly into the sea, and affirmed her decision and committed her life unto God, and as she went under and emerged a new creation. It is always an amazing ceremony to witness, but it's all the more spectacular to see my own sister going through with it. :)



Dearest sis, your life in Christ has begun. It's the most wonderful journey you'll ever traverse, but it will be so tough you'll constantly wonder if it's worth it. You will see things in new light for God has set eternity in your heart. You will experience heartbreaks and desolation. You will enjoy abundance of blessings in His presence, you will cry bitter tears in the same court. You will find your identity and worth and confidence in Christ, and others will besmirch the very same treasure you've found. You will experience high highs and you crawl in low lows. You will have words of praise flowing from your mouth and you'll ask unending questions in sheer frustration and you will curse in despair. You'll taste sweet victory and you will fail time and again. But just remember that through it ALL, Jesus is with with you, his spirit will not depart from you, you will never be alone. You will have Him in the best moments of your life, and You will have him to cling on to in your worst. I'm beyond happy that we are in this race together, and I pray that it's one where you'll finish in victory and we'll be joined by our loved ones. Xoxo - big sis. 

You call me out upon the waters, the great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery, in oceans deep, my faith will stand
And I will call upon Your name and keep my eyes above the waves when oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace, for I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters, Your sovereign hand will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me, You've never failed and You won't start now
And I will call upon Your name and keep my eyes above the waves when oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace, for I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior

Hillsong United :: Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)

Derek Webb and his wife Sandra have just announced over FB and Tumblr that they are ending their marriage of 13 years.

Sigh~

I am usually minorly affected by celebrities throwing in the towel in this arena, but this one... Maybe the facts that they are Christians, and how I hold Derek in high regard when it comes to his work, and how they have lovingly collaborated in the past, these add up. Derek's songs have touched me on personal level, so this feels personal.

I'm not saying Christians don't make mistakes what more in marriage, I'm not saying anything. I'm just sad, really sad :'(

I'm sure they had taken a lot of time to work this through, but would they just give it one more try? Why did you give up? At what point do you decide that it's not worth it anymore? I can't imagine having to share and deal with such private matter with the public, but that's the price one pays for being well known figures. 

I wish them the best, and I pray for reconciliation in the future, no matter how improbable it seems now. Why? Hmm, I suppose some wars need to be fought. But what do I know.

:(

Today's Good Friday. It doesn't feel good now but I know without a shadow of a doubt that it is. I'm on my way down to Singapore for a special Easter miracle. I'll write about it soon.

The Tiger of Jelutong, the venerable Karpal Singh, died from a car accident this morning. He was 74. His death is a great loss for the nation.

It seems like he's been around since forever, since I was a little girl. He was always in the news, lambasted by the ruling coalition and the mainstream media for everything he did, but he remained steadfast in his fight for justice. Truly an admirable and respectable man.

RIP, Mr Karpal. You've fought a good fight. Thank you for all you've done for the country, for us.

of thoughts and things.

I'll admit it, it still smarts thinking of this, that it did not happen, or rather, did not last. One of the hardest emotions to process is that of being betrayed, even knowing that it was fake and scripted all along. Go figure.

I learned the term OTP (or One True Pairing) in the past few days of Tumbling. And Swarkles (a portmanteau of their nicknames in the show - Barney's Swarley (I kinda forget how he got it but everyone called him that and he hated it) and Robin's alter ego, the Canadian teenage idol Robin Sparkles) are my OTP. Just look at how good they look together! *drools* 

Also the reason I keep talking about it is because it's the easiest thing to write about. No need to think, just feel. And there is so much feels. Heh. I just wonder if my obsession with some things (TV series) and people (JF, LH, Em etc) even food (potatoes?) is symptomatic of something else in my life. Hmm.

Anyway, I was in the forest earlier this week. Zero internet connectivity but I wanted to write, and I did, so err, am just gonna dump the whole load here.

Tuesday 8-Apr-2014
I am in the forest, five hours’ drive into its heart, far far away from the city. I just finished watching one of the most hedonistic and depraved movies of recent times, Martin Scorsese’s The Wolf of Wall Street, and I’m feeling a little sick from all the debauchery -- Leonardo DiCaprio however, was awesome and believable in his role as usual. I decided to turn in, and read to sleep.

That I should be holding a book in my hand, snug in a double bed, with the wilderness that stretches for hours at all directions around me outside... I suddenly feel a wave of gratitude is washing over me. I remember the sunset from this evening, and I remembered the sunrise from months ago during my previous time here. They were precious moments to be savoured, and I look forward to tomorrow’s… although I am doubting that I would see it, knowing my sleeping and waking pattern. Still, being here, miles away from almost everyone I know, is amazing, unglamorous as it is.

A quick conversation with my colleagues just now that touched on career ambitions came to mind, and once again, I ponder at my lack of one. I don’t foresee myself much further from where I am today on the day I retire. Of course I would love to be earning a higher steady income, but I am not very driven to pursue that. I should live with that right, but it doesn’t help that once in a while I feel so envious of my friends making it in Singapore, Australia, the US, Norway, even in Malaysia, and here I am, wearing my deer-in-headlights look, asking all the wrong questions.

Back in the civilised society I left just 12 hours ago, I’ve been watching tonnes of Jimmy Fallon these days. I usually only watch snippets on talk shows on Youtube when something interesting links me from, say Facebook, but I find myself subscribing to his Tonight Show’s videos and just drawn in to clicking one after another of his older clips from his Late Night stint. I love Fallon’s stuff, especially the musical things he does with his bff Justin Timberlake, and his house band, The Roots, and all the silly games he plays with his guests, he’s very talented and relatable, and I especially love him fanboying over people and music – his giggles and suppressed excitement are infectious!

Fallon-ing aside, I’ve also been Neil Patrick Harris-ing and Benedict Cumberbatch-ing and Dan Harmon-ing (and of course HIMYM-ing!), and ok, my point is, I’m thinking, all these people I’ve named in this post, they are not very much older (or younger) than me, and look at where they are! Standing on the world’s stage basking in its limelight, glowing flawlessly and grappling with pressures I am unfamiliar with. And again, here I am, feeling guilty wanting to be contented with a very ordinary and unremarkable life.

Today, I visited one of my company’s veneer mills, and like my trip to our flooring factory in China, I saw all these workers in their bright uniforms going about their assigned tasks working 12 hours a day and six days a week, doing the same thing over and over and over again, and it makes me feel weird. I kept thinking, I was probably just one birth away from being in their shoes, born to an impoverished family struggling to survive and having to leave everything and everyone I know for a place so foreign and scary for a job that pays me minimum wages and that’s nothing but repetitive day in and day out, year in and year out, remaining nameless and faceless for most part…

Honestly, I feel guilty thinking that I’ve escaped that fate. What reason is there that I have a better life, especially when I don't do anything with it? I struggle to understand how each of us has a purpose for living, and while I believe that I have one, I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what’s mine, and it bugs me greatly. I know that I’m trying with my extremely human understanding doing something very futile. And this futility, it’s demotivating me.

Over and over again, I ask what is the meaning of anything. Is anything worth it? Is everything in vain? With the years flying by, why bother with anything? It will be over soon, wouldn’t it? I don’t expect God to answer these questions I’ve been asking forever, and his silence is discouraging and disheartening. Suddenly I feel as if I know nothing and understand nothing and see nothing and hear nothing and feel… nothing. I am scared.

This isn’t how I envisioned being lost in God mean when I sing that line. I’m moved by testimonies of God’s greatness, but I am well aware for every victory, there are ten stories of pains and brokenness that never get shared. I don’t know what I’m asking for but I want to be found in that.

Wednesday 9-Apr-2014
I miss the city a little, and dream of getting lost in one. New York, New York. Tokyo, London, Hong Kong and Paris. Moscow, Melbourne, Milan, Madrid… and Miri.

Everyone’s somewhere, and I’m here. The sky is clear tonight, and the stars scatter across the black canvas. It’s a beautiful sight on a quiet night; not total silence as in the background is myriad of unfamiliar sounds made by the crickets and creatures of the forest. I held my phone up and clicked on the Google SkyMap app and checked out the stars and constellations, most of which hold little meaning to me. And I imagine myself lying on the grounds at Joshua Tree with my best friends on such a night, and smiled knowing how glorious that would be.

Anyway, I finally finished watching The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Emma Watson is so beautiful, and I love every scene of her. I liked this movie. Looks like I’m in a rare mood for watching drama, this being the third in a row in as many days; the first being The Book Thief which I caught on the flight to Miri.

Speaking of dramatic movies, on my way in, a song played on the radio (Any Empty Wine Bottles For Sale 酒矸倘賣無) from the 1983 movie Papa, Can You Hear Me Sing 搭錯車 (wow, the full movie's here on Youtube! I wuv how the interwebz always amazes me =). I haven't heard the song in a while, and I haven't seen the movie since I last watched in back in the mid-80s. All I remember was that it was a pretty depressing movie about a man and his daughter. Reading the wiki page failed to jolt any further memory but the sentiment remains.

Did you know that I've lived through five decades - born in the 70s, lived through my childhood in the 80s and teenage years in the 90s, then early adulthood in the naughties, and now reaching my midlife point in the 2010's. I feel like these five decades was like the HIMYM finale, everything in the past billion years was trudging along and then bam!, everything just accelerated. I suppose the finale would be Jesus coming back again :)

This just came up on my phone's Bible app. Food for thought.

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2 (NIV)

sad cat is sad.

goodbye, HIMYM. you were and will always be legend-waitforit-dary.

Ah nine years. So much has happened IRL and in TV Land. But these were mostly good times, and we've been through a lot. We knew an end was inevitable as fans' patience is running its course.. and because nothing lasts forever, the ironical title of the 2-episode finale notwithstanding.

Warning: Everything ahead is a spoiler. Do not proceed below these images. You have been warned. :)




This is a truly bittersweet farewell because.. brace yourself, I'm gonna to rant for the rest of this write-up.

the awesome wholesome threesome

So we have officially kicked off, with rapper names to boot -- name check: J Swagg, Chongy and Queen E in da houz yo! (Yeah, I was in my hip-hop fan wannabe phase when we formed, could you tell? :D) Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that the three of us came together some time the end of last year, where we have committed to meet up regularly to delve deeper into our Christian faith. It's a no-judgment zone for us to bare it all, no holds bar, to be at our most vulnerable (sounds scary right? :), to hold each other accountable, and to support and spur each other on as fellow pilgrims on a journey of the narrow road.

Can I just say that I love my hair here? Lol! Ooh I think everyone's looking good here. Ah, love.

What can I say but this is one of the best things to have ever happened to me, more so given my lack of a Christian community at this point in my life. These girls are my lifeline. I don't know what is it with me, but as I grow older, I am retreating further into my shell. I'm really glad that they were willing to do this (thanks to Chongy for suggesting it).

We call ourselves Wholesome Threesome, cause it kinda rolled of my tongue (I sometimes catch myself in my Adam mode, tasked to naming nameless entities..) Although it's a tad mouthful, we've kinda gotten used to it. I like how the words rhyme, their individual and collective meanings. *pleased*

What we basically do is to read a chapter of a book, do the study questions, practice what's practicable, and the come together and discuss about what we have read and done. We try to meet every two weeks to establish a steady routine (knowing what procrastinators we are hehe).

The first book we have chosen is Richard Foster's Celebration of Discipline. We would each take turn to facilitate the discussions although we rarely needed to be prompted to answer. There is always coffee (we have been going to different cafes each time, and boy, KL's coffee culture is alive and kicking - these places are packed each weekend, no matter how obscure its location. A running joke among us is that we should all quit our jobs, sign up for barista classes and start a cafe of our own)(that said, I seldom take coffee though because it keeps me wide awake at night, but sometimes I just throw caution into the wind and indulge) and discussions take forever because we are always (like ALL THE TIME) veering off topics -- each meeting lasts about 4 to 5 hours (I'm sure we could have finished in half the time if we needed to haha)!

These meet-ups are nourishment to my soul and spirit. My stomach gets a lot of exercise from laughing too. We speak the same language, laugh at the same things, fail in the same areas, it's really all good. It reminds me of what I had with Carol and Suet last time, and we had each other's back through some tough times. I'm just glad that in this part of my journey, I am blessed with these girls. What more could I ask for? :)

“Friendship is born at that moment when one man says to another: "What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . ."” ― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves