goodbye, 2013.

Mm this has been a good year. But what's good? I don't know. No major mishaps? I'm grateful. I went over my posts to see what has happened in the past 365 days. Unless I forgot some major entries, it has been an uneventful year. But really, I'm thankful. :)

January
Started the year with a bang in chilly Taiwan! We crossed over from 2012 on a rooftop watching fireworks shooting out of Taipei 101.

Dined in the dark to celebrate J's bro's birthday.

Lost all my iPhone contacts. Thanks, iCloud, thank you very much. Can't believe it's been a year, and yes, I'm still feeling it.. hence my switch to Android :)

February
Fasted 40 days from anything Leehom for Lent. Pleasantly surprised that I could actually do it!

March
Watched Leehom in concert with WW. It was every bit as good as I had hoped it to be. :)

Started vocal lesson - I felt like my voice was getting rusty from lack of practice - and quit a month later. The classes weren't helpful.

Got hooked on Quora. Addiction has since worsened.

Contemplated motherhood for real.

April
Revisited Bali with the husband.

Re-read Mark Haddon's The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night for the n-th time. :)

Transcribed Leehom's speech at Oxford Union, and the post has been consistently the most visited page on this blog. And it's still getting 10s of hits every day. Are people still reading that speech?

May
The long-awaited general elections finally happened. Enrolled as a voting agent. Ended the day with heartbreak - it wasn't the change I had wanted, but I'm sure there was a reason for it.

June
Singapore round 1 with A and C. The last and only trip we had was one decade ago. It was good to reconnect with them, and know that time hasn't eroded the friendship that we've built although we hardly keep in touch these days.

David Tao released his album Hello Goodbye. :)

D saw Brendan Buckley in action in LA and even managed to chat him up. :)

July
Created my first Wikipedia page!

Relient K released their album Collapsible Lung. :)

August
Singapore round 2 with Jayzayyy.. ^_^ Watched The Phantom of the Opera, perhaps my only musical outing for the year. But it was good enough. Wonder what would be in store next year :) I need a reason to visit Singapore!

Night class at BCM, after two year's absence. I know I always fall back to this excuse (haha!), but really, ISFP is not made for academia. Lol!

September
Started obsessing over Eminem. Listened to every song, downloaded every album, read every article, watched every YouTube video. Yup, I signed up for the Frothing-Mad-Fangirl package. :)

October
Taiwan again! We explored different places this time, and changed hotel every night. I would have preferred a different kind of itinerary, but it was still good for most part. My dad drove me nuts with his wanting to eat 9-course spread every meal.

Celebrated 11 years of nuptial bliss and blisters. :)

Decided to stay in the job for another year.. and probably two decades more. Gulp.

November
Eminem released his album The Marshall Mathers LP 2. :)

Youngest bro registered his marriage.

Committed to meeting up with S and J regularly to have open and honest discussion about our faith. Have met up twice so far.

Reached midlife. 35 woohoo.

Came back from trip to Miri for at least the 12th time this year. I flew extensively this year, even if it was only to Miri. Woohoo frequent flier miles!

Got myself a new phone. :)

Leehom got married!!!!!!! :) They look so good (in every sense) together, I'm so happy for them!

December
Mm. Had a relaxing month for the first time in a gazillion (do ppl still use that?) years. Probably still in disbelief that the year was ending so soon.

That's about it. Okay, quite uninspired to write so going to end this now.. but will have more in my next post. Thank you, 2013, for being kind. Xoxo.

gift of hope, love and joy

I wasn't stressed about buying gifts this year, because I hardly bought any haha! I'm planning to channel some of the money usually spent on gifts or house party to charitable organisations such as World Vision. Win-win for all, right? :) Also found this quote which fits perfectly to what I was hoping to do..

Christmas gift suggestions: To your enemy, forgiveness. To an opponent, tolerance. To a friend, your heart. To a customer, service. To all, charity. To every child, a good example. To yourself, respect. :: Oren Arnold

Merry CHRISTmas, one and all!

birthday shoutout to my dawg Chongy

And because I'm not in a creative state of mind, I'm copy pasting my FB for you greetings here; I still mean every word from the bottom of my heart. *wink wink*

Happy birthday, Sherylee! Looking forward to another wonderful year of meaningful conversations, iron-sharpening-iron sessions and frivolous fangirling with you. May next year be your best yet! Xoxo.

The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, not the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when you discover that someone else believes in you and is willing to trust you with a friendship. :: Ralph Waldo Emerson

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I'm so far from what I wanna be

oh I really am my own worst enemy

please don't let me get the better of me

take this earthly thing and make it finally

something heavenly

I wanna be heavenly

If I try to soar, I will fall for sure

so let your grace break through

and lift me up upon it to be with you

downhere :: something heavenly

look who has been a good girl this year..

So yeah, Christmas came early, and..... I got a new phone! :) It's exactly three years to my iPhone 4 purchase, and it has been seriously lagging in performance (erm, not helped by the fact that I have over 5,000 photos and gigabyte after gigabyte of songs; yup, my bad)(also not helped by the fact that it could ill-afford to support the iOS7 upgrade so the apps have not been updated in a while).. I suppose I could have continued using it (that was the plan but I think the slow response time was getting to me), but I finally "caved in" to the voice in my head that screams "get a new phone already!" and somehow managed to con my husband into getting me a new phone haha! Thankiew husby! *heart*

Hey wait, come to think of it, he was the one who planted the idea in my head! He kinda asked me a few months back if I would like to change the phone, I was kinda taken by surprise at the question then because I hadn't said anything to him about my phone, but apparently I've been absentmindedly making remarks about the slowed performance. Awww it's sweet that his ears actually perked up to that haha.. And because he never said "No" when I said I'd only change if he gets it for me, I kinda warmed up to the idea la la la.

Anyway, it took me forever to convince myself that I actually needed a new phone. The main reason was that it's not cheap (close to RM2k yo) and I'm not the kinda person who simply upgrades her phone (I do have a frugal side to me).. yeah, I struggled for a lonnngggg time with the decision, and even wrestled with guilt for a good two weeks after the purchase (hence my delay in blogging about it). Thankfully I have since come to term with it (I know, my choice of words in the past two sentences made it sound as if I was going through some life-changing crisis right? Go ahead and roll your eyes!), and am very much enjoying my new toy.

So may I present you.. *drum rolls please* ... the new extension of my arm, the HTC One!

Why not the iPhone, you might ask, since I've been using it the past 3 years? Am I not more used to its interface and usability? That's actually a good reason under normal circumstances but I decided I kinda had enough with Apple and their antics. Remember how I lost all my contacts when I tried to sync it to iCloud? And how all my painfully updated album covers went haywire after one of the numerous iOS upgrades? The perfectionist in me almost committed suicide. And sync-ing with iTunes? Bleh. The only thing I love about the iTunes is the convenience of music buying, which I strongly advocate if you could afford it =).

So it was a good thing that I came across this article and I was completely sold on the idea of switching to Android. And so.. Android phones.. why HTC and not the ubiquitous Samsung? Erm, for that very reason. I never owned a Nokia in my life because they were everywhere back then, almost literally so. I like to be special I guess *cough* (I realised my logic sometimes doesn't hold water in the real world). So erm why did I have an iPhone back then since it was also everywhere? Well, I might have decided on it in a moment of weakness lol! Just kidding - I don't need to defend myself, do I? :P Anyway, I would have gone for a Windows phone then but its app market was still in infancy stage and I had no desire to be a guinea pig. So yeah, I've no regret going with the iP4, it was the best phone then.

So yeah, HTC. For whatever reason, I had always wanted an HTC - even back when I was first scouting for a smartphone, but there wasn't anything that especially caught my eye (or rather, met my budget). If I were to choose a reason behind my wanting of the  HTC, it was because my friend L got one a few years back, and I remember there was this app called Google Sky Map that would show you the names and positions of major constellations visible to our naked eyes. I was so mesmerised by it and in fact it was one of the first apps I looked for in iTunes when I got my iPhone, only to find it wasn't available on that platform (lol, just found out that I actually blogged about this). So yeah, that has been on my mind at least the past three years. But I can't just get a phone for one app right? And wouldn't Samsung have the app too? Thankfully, the HTC One has gotten really good reviews and is widely regarded as one of the top phones in its category, so I didn't need much persuasion to go with it.

Oh yeah, this last piece of the puzzle came later but it sealed my decision: The One has two additional brownie points going for it... okay, I'm going into fangirl mode, just so you are warned... for one, Leehom endorses and uses an HTC Phone (he switched some time last year and here he is in NY Times Square doing a commercial for the One so yeah, woot!).. andddd.. the audio system in the One is provided by beats, yup, the very one by Dr Dre, who as we all know, is Eminem's mentor. So ta-dah! My two most favorite singers, connected by One phone... so yeah, what can I say but SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY!

^__^

Moving on, 'tis the time of the year.. the annual Big Bad Wolf book sale is upon us once again. Like how people look forward to some music festivals, I look forward to this particular cheaper-than-dirt book sale.. it's really the best thing since.. sliced bread (urgh for lame idiom but right now, I have nothing better to offer). Brand new books go for as low as RM3 (USD1), with the average paperback going for RM8 and hardcover between RM10 and RM25. While I would lurrrve to splurge (I do love a book with a nice cover, and there were so many!), I usually cap my spending at RM200, which is really a pittance compared to how much other book lovers spend, but that amount yielded me a good 22 books (some are not pictured below because I haven't bought them yet at the time the photo was taken - yup, I've gone there twice over the weekend - on Fri with J and again last night with the husband, and I won't mind another round before they're done) and I'm more than delighted. I'm a slow reader and this is just the right number of books to keep me occupied for the next 12 months. So yes, I'm a happy bunny all around. Xoxo!

fact: cats sleep an average of fifteen hours a day

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I didn't even get the chance to properly say goodbye to November. December is already 35-minute old as I write this. I'm so tired right now everything's a blur. And it's beyond my own understanding why I'm not curled up in bed, and that I'm here typing away instead. I guess it's my masochistic side teasing me, or that I'm reacting to my own plan of waking up at noon tmrw (whee) because I know I still could get at least 11 hours of sleep after this.

Anyway it's been a tiring month, one marked with extensive traveling (just checked the calendar and found that I have only been home two weeks in the past five)(wow)(whee), and being under the weather. I'm not going to complain about any of that, because in the end, I have enjoyed the days away, although I didn't realise my body is so weak. But no, not gonna complain. :)

I've been working on a book project at work, which aims to chronicle the company's birth and growth over the past five decades. One of the things that we have had to do was talking to people, in particular the company's pioneers, key management personnel and long-serving staff, so the past few months have been the most intense in term of human contact hours I've ever had in my life. I think I've probably met close to fifty people so far (and with each meeting lasting an average of 90 minutes (the longest was 4 hours, the shortest, 30minutes), that's like 4,500 mins (75 hours)(wow)(wow.) of getting people to opening up and thinking back to the good (and not so good) old days and talking and listening. So much talking (them) and so much listening (me) omg. Thank God I'm not writing the book (we've commissioned a writer) because I wouldn't know where to begin. And end.

Anyway, I brought this up because I got to meet a spectrum of people and their various perspectives on life. There were those who are going strong and active despite being advanced in years. Chatting with them has been inspiring and amazing. You feel like life has so much to offer, and that you would like to be up and about and all over even when your whole head's gray. And on the other hand, there were a few.. for a lack of a better term, zombies. Tired, cynical, stuck in a rut, counting the days to when they will punch the time card for the last time (figuratively speaking). And the whole time I was with them, I kept thinking how I don't want to end up like that! I'm not terribly ambitious, and I'm getting comfortable where I am.. but I just don't want to be that listless and dull as I grow older.

I won't right? Mm, right.

Anyway, Thanksgiving's just passed. Too bad we don't celebrate it here, but 'sokay, I'm still really thankful for everything I have. The tangible and felt but especially the unseen and uncountable. Okay, I should go. The hotel bed is calling my name.. and I can't wait to go home tomorrow. Last thought before I slip into unconsciousness for the next 660 minutes: if December would last 60 days, I'd appreciate it very much. Kthnxbai.

congrats, Leehom!

From his FB:

王力宏 Wang Leehom
這幾年你們在微博上最多留言是 “趕快找到你的 Forever Love”。 我很幸運遇到了一個可以牽手，共度未來 的女孩子。 因為她不是娛樂圈人，所以你們還不認識她，但我也不希望你們從別的管道認識。 她的名字是李靚（jing) 蕾，今年27歲，目前在哥倫比亞讀研究所，王爸爸媽媽都很喜歡她，希望你們也是。 The past few years your comments here have often been about "hope you find your Forever Love". I'm lucky to have met a girl to hold hands with and share my future. She's not in the entertainment business so you don't know her, but I also don't want to create the opportunity for rumors so… her name is Lee Jinglei, she's 27 years old and a graduate student at Columbia. Wangbaba & Mama love her and I hope you will too.

I woke up to this wonderful picture on my FB feed, and I was totally STOKED. I'm so, so happy for him!!! They look good together - just see that glow on their faces! Good to know that when he writes a love song now I'd know he meant it haha!

Well done, Leehom! ;) Props to you for managing to keep this under wraps so well, and thank you for being upfront about this and sharing your happiness with us. Wishing you Forever Love with your gal! ;)

Update 28-11-2013:
Just want to add a thought. I'm sure she has been preparing herself for the moment when she's thrown into the limelight. But I think that it might still hit her hard, the way I see his fans digging up everything they could about her... I really do wish her the best!

Update 29-11-2013:
Annnnnd... they are married. Lol! Do you hear that? The sound of hearts shattering across East Asia (mostly) haha! I'm really happy for him, and think it's about time too. I think three days on after the first announcement, I'm still impressed at how well he kept this from the public eyes. I'm glad they sealed their love with marriage. May God bless the union and be with them as they journey on life as husband and wife. Much love from Malaysia, Mr & Mrs Wang! Xoxo. 

this takes the cake!

I've been coming to Miri so often these past few months that I'm calling it my second home, and even the hotel people have begun to call me by name (like I was some kinda VIP =).

So anyway, just now when I got back to my room, there was a knock on my door, and when I got to it.. the guy from the front desk who usu checks me in (I really should get his name tmrw) was standing there with Irene, a chef from the coffee house, who was holding a birthday cake and they started singing Happy Birthday to me! And I was floored, like O_O Hahaha.. I thanked them profusely of course. It was a really sweet gesture, I was so touched! They really didn't have to, especially when it wasn't like I'm a paying customer (my company foots the bill).. Anyway, I've written them a nice thank-you note in the customer feedback form.

So for the second time this birthday, I was taken totally by surprise. So much for wanting to escape the birthday limelight! =) I mean, I would have been more than okay if none of these happened, but I'm so grateful for the kindness of others, on top of the sweetest and most heartfelt messages I got from my closest friends and siblings over FB, Whatsapp, Wechat and Weibo (viva social media!). I'm blessed beyond measure! :)

You can't really see it here, but my face color matched my shirt's. And that small cake fed 42 people (it was the only one left at the shop when my colleague was asked last minute by my boss to get a cake) - quite close to a miracle eh? :) My boss definitely earned a tonne of brownie points from me for this! :)

Shared the cake and the story with my colleagues from KL who also happen to be in Miri. Thanks, Everly Parkcity! :)

30 again.

So today I turn 35. Touching the point of middle life (yeah, I'd like to go home at 70 =), crossing the border to the other side of life (whatever that meant). Honestly, I still feel like I'm the same as I was in 2008. It's a good thing right? =)

At this point, I just want to say how grateful I am at life and all the blessings I've received. I am certain I don't deserve any of it, but the grace of God upon my life is so much more than my mind could ever come up with. I thank God for my awesome parents, awesome siblings, awesome husband, awesome friends... all who love me in spite of who I am. I know I can be quite a handful and difficult to understand and just completely lost in my own world sometimes, so thanks for bearing with me. I LOVE YOU GUYS. *sob sob*

Btw I came across this answer below on Quora, and it changed my perspective of time. I don't know what the next 35 years will bring, but I want it to be good and I want it to mean something and I want it to matter and I don't want it to be just about me.. So, what's in store? I don't know and I'm nervous but I leave it to God's hand.. Jesus, guide my way as I go on living one day at a time yo!

Btw I'm Miri this week, and I thought I had escaped to a low-key birthday, but I was surprised by a cake from my boss at dinner just now and had the birthday song sung to me by 30 of my colleagues whom I don't know (plus 11 whom I do), so I was really horrified but touched at the same time hehe.

my baby bro's all grown up!

Love is in the air! 

It's awesome when one finds another who could make each feel so sure about the future.

Welcome to the family, Yu Fen! :) 

a life worth reading

I've been on a biography/memoir reading spree lately; it was not intentional, it just happened and I think it's wonderful, especially because it's is one of my favorite genres. I don't usually write book reviews, but this has been a good streak and I would like to remember it, so here goes...

Bill Bryson's The Life and Times of the Thunderbolt Kid: A Memoir
Des Moines (pronounced Deh-Moin) is the capital and the most populous city in the U.S. state of Iowa, a fact that had meant little to me, but the city came alive reading Bryson's memoir, a testament of his way with words. Bryson's affection for the world of his childhood was funny and contagious. Among others, he's argued how department stores and movie theaters are two things that were different and better in the 1950s, parts of a life that he observes are not the same anymore.

I've been meaning to check out Bryson's other works as I have on a couple of good authorities that he's a brilliant travel writer. I actually don't fancy travelogues, but those people were really convincing so I'd love to give him another chance, especially after a positive impression this time around, notwithstanding my unfortunate first encounter with Bryson with the Short History of Nearly Everything where I struggled to finish the first chapter before giving up because I found it soo boring. 

Btw, there are two other US cities that I would now pause and pay attention to when mentioned: Rochester, New York and Detroit, Michigan. The former is Leehom's hometown and the latter, Em's. Leehom left NY since he was 17 and has established his roots in Taiwan, but Em looks like he'd have to be pried away from Detroit. I've just finished downloading Anthony Bourdain's take on the Detroit on his show Parts Unknown (thanks, D, for the heads up! =) and I can't wait to catch it.. soon. ^_^



Eminem's The Way I Am
The day before Em's birthday on October 17 (interestingly, LH's birthday is May 17, so excuse me if I felt a sudden affinity with the number 17 ;), I got a gift in the mail. Well, not really a gift, because it was something I bought for myself, but when it came, I was so excited I believe I might have let out a series of squeals in my colleague's presence haha! But yay, Christmas came early! So yeah, I bought Eminem's autobiography from bookdepository.com (awesome site, can't recommend it enough). It reached my desk just before noon, and by 2pm, I had passed the middle section of the 200+ page book. In my defense, I tried to put it down many many times, but I kept picking it up again. I couldn't help it. *hangs head in shame* But considering that it was really easy reading (not unlike reading a diary entry), and that there were a lot of pictures, it certainly wasn't a feat that I had read that much. By the time I got home, I wasn't very far from finishing it; I felt sad and the dread as I turned the last few pages.

The verdict? I enjoyed it very much but c'mon, why wouldn't I! :) It wasn't the greatest piece of written work, but it was a deeply personal piece. Some reviewers said that he skimmed through the tumultuous relationship with his mother and ex-wife, but really, what else could he have said that he hasn't in all his songs about them? That he didn't mean them? I'm quite sure those thoughts were real. He did briefly touch about the gruesome song about his ex-wife Kim, and he'd explained to her that those hateful songs he wrote about her reflected how he really felt and thought in the heat of their arguments so she would be okay with him putting them out. She relented for most part (did she have a choice?), but I feel that he did go too far at one point (he didn't write about it in the book but it's well documented on the internet), where they were on the way to his concert and she asked him if he would play that song and he said no, but I guess booze and/or drug changed his mind and he went all out deriding her on stage, and she felt so hurt and went home and slit her wrist. I hope he was wrecked with guilt over that incident! But lest you think she was a damsel-in-distress, she was also known to physically attacking him.. in public. So yeah, theirs was the real-life version of his hit song (look ma, a pun!) with Rihanna, Love the Way You Lie.

Like his songs, he's candid with what went on in his life and his head. The book provides insight into his early days struggling with poverty and being on welfare, bullies at school, having to constantly move from one home to another and one school to another, an absent father and an addict mom, minimum wage jobs, baby mama drama, and the insecurities of living where they were. It also chronicles his friendship with Proof who was instrumental in making him into who he is -- it was pretty obvious that without Proof, there'd be no Eminem. Sadly, Proof was killed in a bar fight-gone-awry in 2006 and words just can't express what it was like losing such an important figure like that in one's life; he struggled for years to get back on his feet. There was also his unrelenting pursuit of the art of emceeing, and later his explosion and exposure to the world at large. He hadn't expected to blow up like he did, and fame is still something he grappling with after all these years (he still raps about it). People who are familiar with his songs would already know most of the details of his life, but I think even the most hardcore of fans would still be able to find a tidbit or two in the book that they had not known previously.

My favorite chapter would be the one where he talks about being a father. He said that "being a dad makes me feel powerful in a way I hadn't known before, and it's the kind of power that I don't want to abuse. It's the kind of power that helps me overcome the bad shit from my childhood. It's like I'm rewriting my own history." He's always maintained that he's a father first and a rapper second, and he tries to be there for his kids (he has a daughter with ex-wife Kim, and he adopted the daughter of Kim's twin sister, and another daughter from Kim's other marriage, and "all three of my girls call me Daddy and they are loved the same" awww..) every chance he could. And he talks about how he tries to teach his daughters to be responsible and accountable and that their world isn't just a free-for-all and they've got things to do around the house, and how when they are older they'd have to get jobs and learn what it means to earn.. I'm just glad despite his troubled childhood and shaky relationship with Kim, that he would fall so naturally into the role of a loving, concern and involved father.

And this might be the wackiest confession I've ever made here or anywhere: you know how I've always have fears about attempting motherhood? Oh you probably don't because I don't ever talk about it. But it was something that stuck with me for the longest time, and though I do feel more ready now, Em was one person who actually got me to seriously consider that it probably won't be so bad after all (yes, it was that recent), with this verse in particular from Hailie's Song:

Some days I sit staring out the window, watching this world pass me by
Sometimes I think there's nothing to live for, I almost break down and cry
Sometimes I think I'm crazy, I'm crazy oh so crazy
Why am I here, am I just wasting my time?
But when I see my baby, suddenly I'm not crazy
It all makes sense when I look into her eyes

Yup. Who would have thought, right?

Lol, looks like I think I got a bit carried away with this review. To end, I know it's a very fangirl-y thing to say, but I could understand the reasons behind a lot of things he did, whether if they were justified or not, logical or not. He and I, we are kindred spirit, remember? LOL! Quit rolling your eyes!!



Ravi Zacharias's Walking from East to West: God in the Shadows

All I knew about Ravi before this was that he's a prominent Christian apologist. I sat under his protege's tutelage for the book of John. I knew that J is a huge fan(girl) of his. But I've not heard or read anything by him, and I have no excuse.

This book introduced me to him, not in the way he's usually introduced i.e. accolades upon accolades. I was introduced to a boy of low self-esteem who had no interest in academic but one who is affable and well liked. A boy who often for no obvious reason drew the ire of his father and stood meekly in the shadows of his more accomplished brother. A boy who struggled with understanding the meaning of life and drifted in the ocean of purposelessness for a long time before finding his calling that changed the course of his life, and many, many, many lives whom he's touched.

Many people who come to know Jesus have their lives changed 180 degree and that was what happened to Ravi. He became a voracious reader and his confidence grew, and God had him doing things he never knew he could or going places he never thought he would. You can't help but be absorbed in his story and just rad in amazement and awe at how things turned out.

And for the record, my short review here is in no way reflective of how I feel about the book. I won't necessarily say that it's the best of the lot here as each story and each life has its own charms and snags.. but this was definitely well-written and inspirational. Makes me all the more curious about his works. I suppose I should just get my mind ready to be blown away again.



Nadia Bolz-Weber's Pastrix: The Cranky, Beautiful Faith of a Sinner & Saint
I got to know about this book from Richard Beck's review and I was curious enough to buy a hardcover copy of it (usually I'd wait for the cheaper paperback version), also via bookdepository. The heavily tattooed Rev. Nadia Bolz-Weber is not your typical pastor, in any conventional sense of the word. Even her life path is unusual as it is presented: engaging, encouraging, irreverent, inspiring and funny.

One thing I loved about this was her brutal honesty. Sure, she swore like a sailor (uncensored in the book), and that would have bothered me a lot, but my tolerance for profanity has risen substantially thanks to Em (I don't know if it's a good thing but life is easier when I don't take offense at everything)(I mean, I still find a lot of things annoying and objectionable, but one less item off the list isn't too bad at all). I like what Beck said when warning reader of the litany of F-bombs in the book: ... to be honest, I get sort of annoyed in needing to give such warnings. Why are so many Christians such pious fragile little daisies? Do we really think Jesus was so easily offended? Goodness sakes, look who Jesus hung out with. 

And may I quote Richard again as to what the book is about:

It's a spiritual memoir that, roughly, moves through three parts of of Nadia's life. The first part covers Nadia's early years growing up in fundamentalist Christianity, her descent into drugs and sex, to her eventual return to Christianity. The second part is Nadia's calling to the pastorate and the founding of House for All Sinners and Saints. And the final part is stories about the growth of the church and Nadia's pastorate. All the way through are raw, powerful and confessional stories of both success and failure, each salted with the crazy juxtapositions created by Nadia's personal history and personality in light of her life as the spiritual leader of a faith community.

What I loved about Pastrix (a word used derisively by some conservative Christians who refuse to recognize female pastors) was how real she was and how forthcoming she was about her struggles with the word of God that most of us would probably think is "unChristian" to utter. I relate to her misanthropic nature and applaud her for fighting it (definitely made me think about how I am right now). Her church, the House of All Saints and Sinners is an all-inclusive church whose congregation would definitely raise more than a few eyebrows in most churches elsewhere. But urm, I'm cool with that. I don't know if I'd fit in there, or anywhere for that matter right now. I feel like I'm on a self-imposed isolation. I feel like I'm drifting. Sigh~ Man, are you guys reading this, I'm confessing left and right in this post. Anyway, I think one of the best things about growing old is realizing that a lot of things shouldn't and don't matter, and I think it's silly how people get up in arms over the wrong things (okay, me included, but yeah, all of us need to grow up). Like Ravi above, her story once again proves that God has a sense of humour most of us would only funny in hindsight, and that his way is wayyy beyond my puny limits, and once again, I put down all my earthly strivings before him and just sit silently at his feet.

Anyway, please allow me to quote Beck one last time: "That's what I most loved about Pastrix, how the bible kept crashing into the messiness of Nadia's life and the life of her crazy and amazing church. Being interrupted by the bible, in hard but often life-giving ways, is something that I can deeply identify with." Check out this video for one of her sermons where she recounted some of the stories she also shared in the book.



Benazir Bhutto's Daughter of the East 
I have just begun on one last autobiography I have in hand but I thought I'd include it in this list, that of Benazir Bhutto, the Prime Minister of Pakistan from 1988 until 1990, and from 1993 to 1996. She was assassinated in a bombing in 2007 (right about the time this book was published).

Her name was something I remember from way back then, and her being the first female Pakistani PM was pretty impressive to me then, and now. I'm only in the first chapter, and she talked about having kids during her tenure (she was then the only head of government in recorded history to actually give birth while in office, I'm pretty sure the record still holds). Of course her detractors had a field day trying to overthrow her, albeit unsuccessfully. Can't help but think she must have been one remarkable lady.

I generally don't read political bios because they are very detailed and those details usually just fly over my head, so... I do hope I'd finish this! If I do, and if I would write about it, I'd just update this page.

I am going to reject a job offer tomorrow. It's not easy walking away from a higher salary and bigger title and what appear to be a good boss to work for, but I strongly feel that I should not leave yet. There are a couple of projects that I'm working on that I would like to see to completion, and I want to see what else I could make of this job right now. Plus, I've gotten reeeeally comfortable here. Yes, I am trying very hard not to think about the what-ifs. I hope I won't be swayed to change my decision. I just pray that this is the right decision. That said, I don't think there's a right decision per se in situations like this, but argh. I should never have gone to the first meeting. And the second one. Tried to stop the third one from happening, but.. Maybe I shouldn't have been so awesome haha! Argh, where were you when I needed to leave! And bah, my lunch kaki told me today that she's also been offered a job, and it appears to be a good one too. She's still considering but it does look like she will be accepting it. That made me sad. Happy and sad. Mostly, sad for now. :(

Hi, I'm E and I'm an info junkie. Quora is my drug of choice, and Wikipedia a close second, but I dabble with everything else out there on the interweb that catches my fancy. I love the immediate gratification of having known something I didn't just a moment ago, but it sucks to know that I'm just mindlessly consuming bytes and bits of information and not using them for greater good. I am probably over-stimulated, but what can I say, I love it.

And like the adage that goes, "a little knowledge is a dangerous thing", I'm a pretty dangerous person hehe. Aish, the thing is, knowing that there's so much knowledge out there that's beyond my grasp just make me feel so... stupid. And that's my problem. I hate to feel stupid, so I read, but the more I read, the more stupid I feel. So yeah, classic catch-22!

Srsly, if I could monetize all the information I've read, I should be pretty rich. Or if I could translate them into applicable skills, I should be pretty successful. Or if that would at least make me an interesting conversationalist, I would be the life of a party, and perhaps even my own talk show.

Unfortunately, I'm also an information bulimic -- I probably retain only 1.7% of everything I've tirelessly consumed, the rest are gone with the wind into the dead of the night~

It just hit me as I was reading a wiki entry on rapping as if I have any business knowing more on that subject matter (but it's obvious how I got there, isn't it? :).

[via]

Wow, we are already ten days into November. Usually I'd be excited about being in this month, but this time around, it seemed to have arrived before I was ready.

Increasingly, I'm finding it hard to breathe. My plate is getting fuller by the day and I feel like I'm about to drop it soon and lose it altogether. And my procrastination is definitely NOT helping so I'm loading up on self-loathing. Been down with fever the past week, and I've actually never recovered from post-vacay fatigue, what more when I've had to travel for work soon after I got back. Sigh~ But really, realizing that my complaints just PALE in comparison to the other bigger stuff that's happening doesn't make it better...

My thought is with the victims of super Typhoon Haiyan in the Philippines. It's feared to have taken 10k lives so far. 10k! :( I could only pray for relief and reprieve to come soon to the survivors. What does one even pray for during such a time? Was just thinking about the typhoon, and natural disasters, in general, and questioning why they happen. I mean, I get death resulting from human acts (wars, genocide, murder, etc.) - we attribute that to sin - but why didn't God create a world that's disaster-free? Don't we have enough to deal with? Feels kinda senseless. :(

My prayer is also with a dear friend C, who's been diagnosed with a rare condition of having cyst growth in her spine. I.. Gosh, I don't know. It was one of the worst news I've had to wake up to. She sounded okay when I spoke to her today, but she's had a grueling two days coming to terms with the news. She'll be seeing a neurologist to determine the next step. God, please, please, PLEASE let her be okay.

Lord, have mercy.

pretty much sums it up.

[via]

Okay, I don't know why I'm doing this (this being singling out another song from MMLP2 and writing about it, because, do I really need to do it? no, I don't.)(...)(oh, how could I not realise it? I'm procrastinating!!), but yeah, I came across another one that I like. It's called Rhyme or Reason, which samples an old song from The Zombies' 1968 Time of the Season. Wow, a 45-year old song... that's o-l-d.

Anyway I like the catchy and almost haunting tune of the original and I like how Eminem has reworked the chorus by changing the words to still rhyme with the original but at the same time turned the meaning of the song the other way around (see comparison below), and how he used the chorus as a Q&A to bring his absent dad into the picture. Even the writer of the song Rod Argent has commented how he "love[s] that it was almost identical in vowel sounds and mirrored the original, but at the same time completely inverted the sentiment of what was being said." Em also did a pretty spot-on impression of Yoda in the song, and oh I learned something from the lyrics: komodo dragons are capable of reproducing asexually, i.e. that the female doesn’t necessarily require a male to lay eggs. You didn't know that, did you? Haha!

excerpt from The Zombies'  original version	excerpt from Eminem's  reworked version
it's the time of the season when the love runs high in this time, give it to me easy and let me try with pleasured hands to take you and the sun to promised lands to show you every one it's the time of the season for loving	it's the time of the season when hate runs high and this time, give it to you easy, when I take back what's mine with pleasured hands, and torture everyone, that is my plan my job here isn't done, cause there's no rhyme or no reason for nothing

probably the only photo of them together

Anyway, it looks like Em tends to write about the same few topics, i.e. the people in his life (or out of it), which are basically himself and how awesome and awful he is, his estranged wife, his beloved kids, his addict mom and his absent dad... maybe it's keeping with the theme of the album (a revisit to the first Marshall Mathers LP), but yeah, he hasn't run very far (except when he creates wacky personas like a serial killer or a deranged fan). So far, I've written about the songs he wrote for his mom and his wife, and now here's this song about his dad.

My first thought was, he's 41, and he's still talking about the dad he never met? But yeah, what do I know about how he feels when I've got my dad around all my life right ? I guess some scars never fade away and time doesn't dish out answers we want. Unfortunately, the missing father figure drove a wedge between his mom and him instead of bringing them closer, and he's said one too many times that he doesn't care about his dad at all or how he's doing and yet, he's referred the old man in as many songs and he still grapples to understand how his dad could just walk out from the family. Actually, I think if I were in his shoes, I'd be as resentful.. I don't know. I'm glad he turned out nothing like his dad. In fact, in a 2010 poll, he was actually voted Best Celebrity Dad, ahead of even Barack Obama. :)

So it seems like I'm approaching Eminem's latest album one song at a time. Today I've been looping and listening to track #11 Stronger Than I Was. It's an atypical song for him -- for one, he sang half the song (kinda like what he did on Hailie's Song). He usually gets a lot of flak for singing, and he's admitted as many times that his singing isn't up to par, but to my untrained ears, it's pretty decent, not great, but.. well, it sounds like him, singing, so yeah, it's cool. Maybe it's just me. I like his voice. Sometimes I play his interviews just to hear him talk. Although he often comes off angry when he sings, I find his talking voice soothing and assuring. Maybe it's just me. Anyway, I love this song from the first listen. There's something to it that I can't put my finger on. It feels familiar and foreign at the same time, and I found comfort in that contradiction. I also think his untrained vocal vibed hints of vulnerability and earnestness, and all that made this work. Maybe it's just me.

Some commenters have said that this song was written from his ex-wife's Kim's POV, especially the first part, but I think it vacillates between the two of them. You know, I do sympathize with him in that the two main women figures in his life were of very volatile personalities. I'm not excusing his misogynistic expressions (I feel like I'm doing that every time I try to justify him, but that's not my intention), but having seen the pattern of his trust being violated over and over again, I feel he deserved a break. And he got it. Should he have risen above that after all these years? It would have made an inspiring tale if he has, but the story isn't over yet, right? Anyway, he has mended his relationship with Kim since, and they are now able to work seamlessly as a team of parents to their kids. He's also apologised to her in the previous album in Going Through Changes so I guess it's all good at this point...

Hailie this one is for you, Whitney and Alaina too,
I still love your mother, that'll never change,
think about her every day, we just could never get it together.
hey, wish there was a better way, for me to say it,
but I swear on everything, I'd do anything for her on any day.
there are just too many things, to explain, when it rains,
guess it pours, yes it does, wish there wasn't any pain.
but I can't pretend there ain't, I ain't placing any blame,
I ain't pointing fingers, heaven knows I've never been a saint.
I know it just feels like we just pissed away our history,
but just today, I looked at your picture, almost if to say,
I miss you self consciously, wish it didn't end this way.
but I just had to get away, don't know why,
I don't know what else to say, I guess I'm.. [going through changes]

eminem :: going through changes

But wait, that's not the song I was talking about. It's this one below - do check it out! :) So far, so good, so hmm, what song should I check out next? A bit apprehensive cos I don't wanna break the streak haha!

and I thank you cause you made me a better person than I was

but I hate you cause you drained me, I gave you all, you gave me none

but if you blame me, you're crazy and after all that's said and done

I'm still angry, yeah, I maybe, I may never trust someone

eminem :: stronger than I was

Mm btw I'm falling ill again (got sick a few days in Taiwan too), and I'm traveling again tomorrow to Miri, so say a prayer for me please.

A final parting thought, I've been thinking about this guy (a friend of some friends) who recently died a hero. He was an outdoor enthusiast and operated his own adventure company. He died saving one of his clients from drowning, and his death was apparently a great loss to many. I've read a few testimonies (this for one) about what an awesome person he was, and the many lives that has touched and helped and saved over the years, in church and wherever else he was. Everyone agreed that he lived his life to the fullest and was a commendable steward of that life he was given. He was only 42 and left behind his wife and two kids and I guess the inevitable question on everyone's mind is why the Lord took him home so soon. He wasn't the first person whose departure warranted this question, but I guess it had to be asked. And as expected, God remains silent. Sigh~

I've often wondered how I would be eulogized at my funeral. I don't dream of greatness at all, but I want my life to count for something. I'll leave it to God to decide what that something is, and I pray that I will be faithful when it's entrusted to me.

Eminem's 8th studio album, The Marshall Mathers LP 2, dropped today! He's said that this was a continuation and a revisit of his critically acclaimed album from 2000, in the sense that "...on the first Marshall Mathers LP there were some personal things that I addressed and on this record there are some chapters that I wanted to close. [..] It’s more about going back to the basics of hip-hop and some fundamentals in that sense." [via]

Perhaps to make it obvious, both albums share a similar cover, that of the house he grew up in in Detroit. But content- and sound-wise at first impression, they vary quite a bit, and I think that's just awesome! I'm all for artists taking different creative and sound directions in their new albums because the last thing I want is for them to give me the same thing over and over again. I mean, I'm all for comfort and familiarity but if you are going to repackage the same stuff, I might as well listen to the old albums right?

Four of the songs have been released as singles previously (Berzerk, Survival, Rap God and Monster feat. Rihanna), and I love them all! Brand me a die-hard fan, but I really do! :P  He's received a lot of criticism for the songs, but really, I think most of the haters are just complaining for the sake of complaining (on the other hand, it is I who probably should stop reading them). But I guess expectations are high because he named the album after his most well-received one, but I don't get why people want him to sound like and come off a replica of himself 13 years ago -- I prefer to see both albums as bookends of his life then and now, and when you listen to everything from then and now, you're elevated to a vantage point where you could see the story of his life panned out and see how far along he has come and understand him better (this goes the same when we evaluate any other artists' body of works).

Anyway, I've pre-ordered the album on iTunes a week ago (yup, while I was traveling in Taiwan -- photos here! =) and was counting down the days for its release, so yeah, am happy it's Nov 5! Well, it leaked onto the Internet on Halloween, but I resisted checking it out until today (I'm stubborn in the most unnecessary way, I know). I got the clean (of course haha!) deluxe version which came with 21 songs. Twenty one! For USD9.99. The prudent chinaman in me is well-pleased at the what a value-for-money this deal was hahah!

Anywayyyy, while I should be checking out all the songs (I really want to!), I haven't been able to because I'm stuck on listening to this one song: Headlights feat. Nate Ruess, a song Em wrote for his estranged mom, apologizing for the past. The two have a turbulent history and she was prominently targeted in many of his earlier songs when he was venting and ranting and screaming about everything in his life. He had said and rapped some really hurtful stuff, justified or not, against her, so I'm glad he's reached the point in his life where he could offer a song like this as a tribute and an apology. I'm really touched at the heartfelt words and I really wish he would be able say this to her face to face one day, and they would reconcile.. Btw Nate Ruess did a wonderful job on his part too. Everything came together so nicely..

So yeah, I'm getting back to the song. I'll probably write again when I get to #21. xoxo.

once you pulled up in our drive one night as we were leaving to get some hamburgers
me, her and Nate, we introduced you, hugged you
and as you left I had this overwhelming sadness come over me
as we pulled off to go our separate paths, and I saw your headlights as I looked back
and I'm mad I didn't get the chance to thank you for being my Mom and my Dad
so Mom, please accept this as a tribute I wrote this on the jet

eminem :: headlights

happy eleven, hubby!

So we're in Taiwan as our steely 11th anniversary rolls around! Nope, don't think we'll be sharing a romantic dinner tonight... because my parents are here, together with five of their friends (two couples and one auntie), and also my aunt, and we'd have met up with my bro and sis-in-law and her parents mid-trip. O_O So yeah. Huge gang. I hope I'm coping well. : \

Anyway, this post is for my hubby who would never read this.. or my blog for that matter. And I'm more than fine about that. No, I wouldn't send a link to him. Yes, I'm strange, and he's not curious, so we're perfect for each other. Haha! We're total opposites but I think that's the reason why God put us together.. so that we could complete each other.. while annoying the heck out of each other haha! Ah, so much LOVE.. ;) Me doth think that the husby is rily teh awesomest! ^_^

Btw I'm lovin' this song fr JT who wrote it for his gorgeous wife Jessica Biel and was inspired by her and also his grandparents' six decade-long marriage. Aww! He's said that, 'One of the most valuable things in a relationship is being able to constantly change and be individual, but look to the other side to the person that you're with and know that they're changing as well individually, but somehow you two can mirror each other and be the other half of that world that you both create.' Yup. I just think that it's such a well-produced track and although it runs for 8 minutes, it doesn't feel like it. Wish it wasn't so difficult to sing along to though, my timing is all messed up and I feel so rusty bleh. But that's what traffic jam is for: car-aoke! :)

'cause with your hand in my hand and a pocket full of soul
I can tell you there's no place we couldn't go
just put your hand on the glass
I'll be tryin' to pull you through
you just gotta be strong

'cause I don't wanna lose you now, I'm lookin' right at the other half of me
the vacancy that sat in my heart is a space and now you're home
show me how to fight for now and I'll tell you, baby
it was easy comin' back into you once I figured it out
you were right here all along

it's like you're my mirror, my mirror staring back at me
I couldn't get any bigger with anyone else beside of me
and now it's clear as this promise that we're making two reflections into one
'cause it's like you're my mirror
my mirror staring back at me, staring back at me

justin timberlake :: mirrors

Read last year's anniversary post here.
Mm nothing from 2011 :P
This is from 2010.

packing order.

I dread packing for trips and I always do it last minute, and the minute would stretch into hours. But I guess the reward justifies the "pain" lol! But really, the more important decisions when going on vacay are which books to bring and what music to listen to, right? Right. :D

So I've narrowed my selection of books to three, one a biography of Indian-born, Canadian-American renown Christian apologist Ravi Zacharias, another a collection of articles that previously appeared in The New Yorker by English-Canadian author Malcolm Gladwell, and one mystery novel by British author Dorothy Sayers written in 1931. A pretty awesome mix there I'd say, from gender and genre to the authors' nationalities to even how I got hold of each book (J lent me RZ's book which incidentally went with her to Geneva last month, I'd say that this book is better traveled that I am!; I found MG's book at the bottom of my shelf with no recollection of having bought or borrowed it from anyone; and DS's book was from a book sale). These should keep me pretty occupied during the long transit.

So I've sync-ed my song playlist, and for the first time in my life, I'm going all out with stuff I've never heard before and some I'd never thought I would. This is a departure from my usual preference to go with something I've listened to a million times from the usual suspects (like how I listened to Leehom in my entire Melbourne trip). This time, I just want to break away from that habit, and I'll admit it's kinda unsettling but boo hoo. Every song is new (to me) and I've never known any one of them just a month ago.. and like my books, they cover quite a range, from Instrumental and Jazz to Pop, Rock, Soul and Rap (of course ;), and I have songs from the 70s, 90s, noughties, 2010's all the way up to some singles released not a month ago... I randomly downloaded some albums from the awesome free music site Noisetrade, and the rest from you-know-where-haha after reading music articles over the past couple of weeks. And while I'll tell you about every book I have or will read, I am pretty coy in sharing my playlist -- just chalk that up to another quirk of mine :D

So I've stuffed all my clothes and shoes and toiletries and lingerie and cosmetics and electronics in my new giant fuchsia luggage, and in my tote bag, I've got a book and iPod and passport and neck pillow and mint and cardigan and cash. I've got an awesome ten days ahead of me in an island not too far away, where I hope I'd bump into Leehom (who is in NY now, but 10 days is a long enough time for me to hope that he'd back to Tpe haha) and where I know my hubby is waiting for me, so..................

Taiwan, here I come again! :)

self.

It's a rainy evening on a Friday, which means traffic will be slow. And since I have nowhere to be, I don't need to leave the office now and join in the madness. There are a couple of posts I had wanted to put up, but I don't feel like it because I suddenly found them to be too self-centric. I mean, all my posts are self-centric, but hmm.. Instead, I'm blog-plugging from one of my favorite bloggers on the subject of... self. Haha oh the irony! Here's a chunk from what he's written:

One of the things I've learned from writers like James Alison, a theologian deeply informed by Rene Girard, is how rivalry is intimately associated with our self-concept. Specifically, most of us create, build up and maintain our self-esteem through rivalry with others. Our sense of self-worth is created and supported by some contrast and opposition to others. I am a self in that I am over and against others. Better. Smarter. More righteous. More successful. More authentic. More humane. Less hoodwinked. More tolerant. More insightful. More kind. More something.

In short, selfhood is inherently rivalrous. Rivalry creates the self. Rivalry is the fuel of self-esteem and self-worth.

Which means that the self is inherently violent. The definition of the self is an act of aggression and violence. To be "Richard Beck" is to engage in violence against others, if not physically than affectionally. From sunrise to sunset every thought I have about myself is implicated in acts of comparison, judgement, and evaluation of others, allowing me to create a sense of self and then fill that self with feelings of significance and worthiness.

And this also applies to those with low self-worth, those who define themselves negatively in comparison with others. The violence here is simply internalized, directed toward the self rather than toward others. But at the end of the day it's the same mechanism, you are either winning or losing the rivalry, having either high or low self-esteem, but in either case the self is still being defined by violence.

Things like blogging, given its nature, can bring these rivalrous feelings to the surface making them more transparent (if you are self-reflective). But it's just a symptom of a deeper sickness, that the self in inherently rivalrous and that self-esteem is a feeling of significance achieved over against others.

We feel good about ourselves by stepping on the heads of others, physically or psychologically.

In fact, this may be the best definition of "original sin": Being a self makes you a violent person.

...

How do you become a non-violent, non-rivalrous human being and person?

I think the self has to die. That's what the bible seems to think. There must be a letting go, a surrendering, an emptying of the self. All efforts to define the self by acts of justification, the accumulation of evidence and data that the self is significant, have to be renounced.

Phrased positively, the self must be experiencing as gift, as an experience of gratuitous and surprising grace.

Only there, in the midst of grace, can the neurotic knot at the root of our violence be loosened and undone.

I don't mean to sound stupid, but what did he mean? How do I do that? Mm, in the comments section, he wrote, "Like I noted in the post, I keep trying to put gratitude out in front of me. Keep blogging (or working or creating) for the joy of it. If we can keep joy in front of us I think we'd all be much happier and healthier, in any endeavor." That makes sense. Be grateful. Don't think so much about myself. Easier said than done.

41!

will anything I'm doing now matter in..

a month? three? seven?
a year? two? eleven?
twenty-five when I retire?
thirty-five when I expire?

guilty pleasures.

I stumbled upon something Jon Foreman wrote back in 2010 which was tongue-in-cheek but hit the nail right on the head on the subject. In his article for Huff Post, Outside the Fences, he started off with:

Guilty Pleasures: the phrase alone implies a form of aesthetic righteousness. Your personal preferences (unique and subjective by definition), are kept in line by a higher standard of objective good (as defined by the community). The experts have agreed upon art that is right and superior. [..] Your joy is shameful; your pleasures are guilty. Scandalous even. [..] You have succumbed to your tasteless tastes: this is contraband art.

I suppose we feel the heat because in the court of "discerning" hoi polloi, we have been found guilty of liking something that's perceived as unsophisticated, uncultured or even crude. In fact, I'm not a defendant here, for I too have a seat on the judicial panel and I have my own standards of what's good and praiseworthy and what's not, and I exert the highest expectations on myself and sometimes others to adhere to and uphold those benchmarks and principles. And that, while being somewhat true (it's an ISFP trait), is also basically a bunch of bollocks. For who among us has not find joy reveling in some sort of lowbrow fun, be it smutty novels or questionable fashion choices or eyebrow-raising music taste? Hello!

Yesterday, J told me she was listening songs from That That, a defunct 90s English pop boy band, and she was "smiling [and] laughing like an idiot, thinking back on my adolescent craze" and having "goosebumps from the CHEESINNESSSSS", but how she "pored over them, every cassette tape, poster, magazine, video tape.. their voices not even good! except for Robbie Williams". Lol, what a load of cheese AND corn we use to consume right?

He looked exactly like this 20 years ago.

So last night I was inspired by that to look up my first celeb crush who inspired me to pick up Mandarin: Jimmy Lin. I tended to avoid talking about him for the longest time because I felt my joy was "shameful" as per Jon's words, but it's been 20 years, we've all moved on. Man, 20 years! And the dude looked like he hasn't aged a day! Haha, the same goes to LH and Em and everyone who hit jackpot with their gene pool. 

Anyway, I searched YouTube for the first song I knew from him: 今年夏天 (lit. This Year's Summer) from his sophomore album which launched his singing career, Summer of '92. I don't remember how I knew of him, but I remember going to the music shop and buying the cassette. It might have been one of the first albums, if not the first, I owned. I'd just became a teenager and he was this super cute 17 years old 陽光男孩 (lit. sunshine boy) and I developed the hugest crush for him lol!

And yes, the songs were cheesy and the lines so corny and the tunes so sappy and the feel so 90s and his voice could use more lessons, but the flood of nostalgia swept me away back to my awkward pimply-faced years like no time machine could. I'm amazed I could still sing along to some of the songs. Being a lyrics person that I was and still am, it bugged me back then that I didn't know what I was singing. So I painstakingly copied every word from the lyrics sleeve and approached my mom many times over for its meaning and how to read it. I didn't dare to show her the source of those words because I knew she wouldn't approve (not because of who it was, but because a cassette would have been deemed a frivolous purchase and my parents frown upon such).

It was tiresome at first because I didn't know most of the words, which meant I would have probably written down most if not all of the lyrics, but copying each character really helped in catching and recognizing it. I suppose by his third or fourth album, I didn't have to go to my mom that frequently, but I think it was around the first or second album when she asked me, "Where are these words from? Did someone send you a love letter??" LOL! I was incredulous at first because it never crossed my mind that it could appear as such, but really, it was word after word from sappy love songs.... can't fault her for her 1+1. She must be relieved to know that I was just learning to read words to sing along. Hehe!

This is an old pic, but cld pass off as current.

I also remember having a lyrics book where I'd translate all his songs into pinyin so that it's easier for me to sing along. That book was my pride. It also helped that he released one to two albums a year to remain relevant so there was always something new to look forward to (many pop artists still do, which erm, kinda say something about the quality of the songs/production *cough*). And then there were the magazines and posters and photos... we had no YouTube, no celeb gossip websites, no instant access to the latest news, and I had no English content to pour over, but these are mere bumps to a determined fan in her track. I also had a ring file of all the articles from magazines and newspapers I could get my hand on (they were all in Chinese) to keep up with everything Jimmy.

So yeah, that was my foray into fangirling, and it was really quite a thrilling ride. After a few years, he went into Taiwan's compulsory military training for its youth and was out of the media spotlight for a couple of years which was long enough for wean me myself off him. I never got back on the ride after he made a comeback, but I don't think anyone took his place in terms of having me pour in the kind of energy and time, until Leehom came along last year when I was reigniting my desire to learn Chinese. Interestingly, Leehom started his entertainment career only about 3-4 years after Jimmy, but I only took notice of him some 17 years later. I guess I'm not an early adopter. Haha!

Mm, Leehomania has died down quite a bit now that Em's in the picture, but I did learn a number of new Chinese characters over the course of 18 months (thereabout) so it was time well-spent. Well, with Leehom's new album underway, I suppose there's still room to absorb more. And if you're wondering if Em's influenced me in any way, he did, for my writing.. you may or may not have noticed that my recent posts are lengthier, where I also try to inject more assonance into my prose.

The answer is yes, as in yes it would kill him to smile. 

Speaking of Leehom, I'm building up really high expectations for his upcoming album and I'm worried I'm setting myself up for disappointment. It's his first album after he went independent of Sony, his previous label for the longest time, which means he has full control of the kinda songs he wants to put out. I could only hope that means fresh and new sounds, and fewer corny ballads (I know he still needs to have those to satiate market demand, but please Leehom, please let them be good). And I don't know if this is asking for too much, I hope the lyrical content of the album are also of a higher standard and covers a broader perspective of life than just the romantic aspect of it. You can see why I could be setting myself up to be let down, but I'll give him the benefit of doubt. And speaking of album, Em's eighth studio effort, The Marshall Mathers LP 2, is set to be in store on Nov 5 (yes, my calendar's marked :) No news on the release date of LH's album yet.

So yeah, guilty pleasures. They add such wonderful swirls of colours into one's life, so how could we not love them? So let's just go ahead and indulge sans guilt. We can save the condemnation for things that are actually hurtful or harmful. Cheers!

kindred spirit.

I'm suppressing a hearty laughter as I type this, because I just found out that.......................... Eminem is an ISFP like me! Hahahaha!

I had kinda suspected it (can't help it when you are absorbing so much information about one person, it makes you just want to slap a label on them so that you can manage and cope with the inflow of info, and that was when I kinda saw a reflection of myself in him which led me to believe that we share similar traits)(not something I'm proud or ashamed of, it's just who I am) but never thought to google it to confirm my assessment until just now.

So, according to this (and this comment in particular) and this, Em and I are kindred spirit. I think I just melted a lil. But then again, it's not all too surprising because many artists are ISFP -- that's what ISFP is known as: The Artist. There are also arguments for other personality types (particularly INFJ or INTJ)(personally I don't think he's N, but to each her own) but still, this is exciting and I'm excited so let me have my moment! ^_^ Okay, I'm still laughing (more like chuckling, aloud, but there's no one around so it's not awkward).

Oh and by the same measures, I'm fairly certain that Leehom is an ESTJ. Differing opinions are welcome. Btw they are the only two popular figures who I can somewhat claim to have an insight into their psyche because I've watched and heard and read them in many, many interviews.. more than I care to admit haha!

thirty-three she is.

Took this from my birthday wish to myself two years ago. And now it's your turn. *blink blink*

Happy birthday, sis! Forever 25 you be! :)

And just as I had wished then, I wish today too that you find what your heart is looking for. Muaks!

offloading.

Ahh the weather just screams "blog something!".. okay, not screaming, just gently suggesting. It's gloomy and gray outside and I could see a light drizzle but I'm lovin' it. Okay, let's get to it.

I've been thinking, the past four years (roughly 2010 onward) felt like it has only been just one year. You know how I always lament that time passes by so quickly, I suppose the past 1,460 days felt exactly right as a year and not four. Memory-wise at least, everything seems so recent. It's like I've just joined the company, I've just left my old church, I've just grown closer to my present group of friends... I suppose the birth of this blog back then marked the beginning of that "new year", and when I read back the entries, they didn't seem like it was another lifetime ago.

Maybe the leap year is there for the reason that it signifies a complete cycle, that each one should consist of four trips around the sun instead of one. Maybe time isn't linear as how we usually measure it, but something more dynamic and differs from one individual to another but we use standard time-keeping so that we could be on the same page. And this change only starts once you hit 30. So by that measure, I'm 31 going on 32, which is exactly how old I feel. I love it how pieces of puzzles like these make perfect logic-defying sense in my head. Haha!

I've also wondered if I'm going through some sort of midlife crisis. I'm 35 (in conventional year *cough*) this year, right about the halfway mark to 70 which is how long I expect to live. So yeah, like some people who go through MLC with a new sports car and a younger wife, I seek other forms of excitement.. like, I never expected to like Chinese pop music, but I went crazy over Leehom which made me a happy bunny for a good long time. And I certainly never in a million years would have expected to be a fan of Eminem, no more than I would have expected myself to ever like K-pop (it hasn't happen yet, but at the rate things are going, who knows!). Maybe I like that he's so far removed from my world but here I am, probably close to exhausting all online links with his name and trying to talk myself out of the crush (yes) by constantly questioning myself and slowly expanding my base to other hip hop artists.

But just as it was with every other musician or band or singer that I like, I don't go very far off base. I will check out their peers who are of equal standing if not more superior (like how I checked out Jay Chou for Leehom), but my loyalty and connection are already sealed with that one entity in that given space and time. I find it impossible to rank the musicians/bands/singers I like (and by these I mean the ones I was really into, where I've heard their entire catalog of songs, not the ones where I just like one or a few songs).. I feel a deep connection with each of them, and each is different from the other because I relate and bond with them at different season of my life.. so even if I don't listen to them very often now, their importance doesn't fade and I can instantly feel the same fervency when I hear any of their songs. And this journey, I must say that I'm thrilled (and perhaps a little wary) of what's going on, but I will ride the wave out.

You know, there was this line from Em's latest song that struck a chord with me, when he rapped, "Say f--- it before we kick the bucket, life's too short to not go for broke." Not that I want to be reckless, but I've been thinking about that a while now and have been wondering what that means for me. I've always felt that I'm holding back, perhaps stemming from a strong need to feel that I'm in control. I also feel like I've been waiting a long time for something but I have no idea if whatever that is is coming or not. I still feel that I'm living a lot for myself, and of course I'm fine with it, but I'm just not sure if.. Hmm, maybe I'll just continue waiting. It's a good place to be, I won't deny that, but I'm just hoping I'm not missing the boat or bus or train or flight to wherever I'm supposed to go.

Anyway, I don't know how long or how deep I would be wading in these waters, but I wish I had discovered it earlier! I really love the wordplay and verbosity afforded by hip hop. There's so much more room to tell a story or to express one's thoughts and feelings. And to have the stories in rhymes, now that's music to my ear. I just think it takes mad skills to spit a string of cohesive rhyme so I'm practically awestruck over and over again. And the raw honesty is definitely a major pull factor for me. And yes, I'm all too aware of and will not deny the violent/misogynistic/offensive aspects found in rap songs but hey, it's not confined to this genre. Summer song darlin' Robin Thicke's Blurred Lines is a wolf in sheep's clothing, which is worse.. so yeah, I'm navigating with caution, and I believe my friends will keep me in check too. At this point, I'm just enjoying rapping as a sublime art form. Bleh, I think my endurance for coarse language is stronger now (thanks but no thanks, Em).

Moving on, I find reading my personality description to be such a relief most times. It assures me that I'm not weird (or at least if I was, that I'm not the only one). True to my ISFP character which is described as being "intense people who experience their emotions on an intense level. Although they may appear to be light-hearted, they are in fact extremely serious, and take their relationships seriously", I experience very strong, almost overwhelming, emotions that I feel like I have no control over (e.g. as shown in my response to my favorite music). It's like there's a giant magnifying glass and my emotions are like the sunlight going through it and hitting one spot that is me. I am averse to being run over by emotions and yet I still experience it through and through. This is what I mean when I feel like I'm driving myself insane. I hit very high highs where I feel like I could take on the world. Like the haiku that I wrote, I cannot begin to describe the level of satisfaction and pride and contentment and depth that I felt when those words were formed, first in my heads as fragmented description of what I was feeling and scattered pieces of what I was thinking about, and later when I manage to collect and have them materialise as typed words. In those three lines and 14 syllables was captured my entire state of being at that moment in time, and to have it down in written words is just so... so good. But that all those feelings could be so consuming and amplified to the point where I think I might implode. And then when I snap out of the stupor, I'll be staring at those three lines and 14 syllables and not being able to imagine anyone else seeing them beyond that. Have I unwittingly convinced you that I need to be institutionalised? Hehe!

Also, we ISFPs are also said to "may have a problem with communication. With Introverted Feeling dominating their personality, they are more vulnerable than most to being hurt. Perhaps because of this, they tend to hold back part of themselves from others, and do not always say what they think or feel. This is especially true during conflict situations, which the ISFP abhors more than anything in the world. Confrontations and arguments are very difficult for the ISFP to deal with. They feel personally threatened in these situations." I told you that I hold myself back. Mm, since this is part of my character, I wonder if I could break out of it. And yes, no conflict please, can we all just get along, here have some cornflakes kthnxbai.

Anyways, I'm done writing for now. Just want to get some stuff off my chest. I love this blog for this very reason! *breathes normal again*